Feeling bullied

So I’m feeling pretty raw. Whenever Steve and I seem to be getting along, something happens and he loses his temper and I’m left feeling like shit. I know I shouldn’t let him have that power over me, but on the whole I am feeling quite fragile. I feel like my mood is generally more stable, but then I have bouts or periods of feeling extremely low. They only tend to last for a day or so. I really don’t like it at all as I’m constantly worried that I’ll drop and not make it back up again.

My car lies dead at Steve’s house. And Steve did let me use his car for work. He does these odd helpful things, but then throws it back in my face, or does just enough from stopping me thinking he’s actually quite abusive. Certainly emotionally. And what’s worse is that he knows he can upset me very easily and can jump on my mental health or emotional state as though it’s a weakness on my part. He loves throwing at my face that he ‘helped me move’ that’s his nugget that he brings out when he wants to dominate me, but I can only weakly reply that he stopped the spousal maintenance, that he could have helped me because he’s left me with nothing. But even in my ears I sound pathetic. The fact that I’ve secured a house, got a job and manage my mental health, and previously dealt with the car issues, proves that I have the capability, but he doesn’t see any of that. In fact when I’m with him, it’s easier just to agree with everything he says.

I’m sad that it’s like this. It’s not that I’m in love with him anymore, but I just wish he wasn’t so nasty and mean all the time. He’s out to punish me and it’s never ending. I wish he’d just see me as a person and certainly respect me as the mother of his children, but he’s holding onto so much resentment towards me. He can’t seem to move forward. I’d like to say I wish I could have less to do with him, but we have the children. He continues to make me feel bad and I feel completely powerless. He’s such a narcissist that he sees nothing wrong with his treatment of me. In fact, he’d say it was all my fault that he treats me like shit.

I’m working full on as much as I can. I desperately need the money and it’s the only way I’m ever going to get on top of my bills and have money for Xmas. The stress is unreal, but at least working keeps my mind busy and not able to linger over the trouble I have with Steve and not having any money.

I’m dreading Xmas, there’s already a lot of talk about it here and stuff is popping up all over town. Luckily I don’t watch live television or else I’m be inundated with Xmas ads. As it is, I only have time for occasional pre recorded programmes.

It would be really good to get into therapy again, if I could afford it. I feel I need an outlet for my anxieties and concerns.

Well hopefully my car will be taken away to get fixed, that’ll be one less thing to worry about and using public transport when I’m working long hours isn’t ideal.

Seeing my psychiatrist on Friday, so will get the ball rolling for lithium.

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Going down

I saw my CPN today. I was in tears by the time my appointment started. I’ve been working long hours, I’m scheduled to work tonight from 9.30pm-7am – with no breaks. And tomorrow night the same! I was up at 4am this morning because Steve was going away for business. I’ve got no money, my car is expensive to run (why oh why didn’t I factor in running costs) I’ve got no food and no money to buy food. And yet I’m working all the hours I can which is slowly killing me. I’ve been so emotional, I had to ask Steve to order pizza for me and the kids tonight. He did so, without any argument and I was so pathetically grateful I sobbed over that.

So I’m feeling kind of raw, overly tired and tiredness is a huge factor for me. Plus all this talk about sexual assault allegations is making me feel triggered and sick.

I wanted to see the CPN to check in because I’m terrified of a relapse. He told me that he felt my reaction was that caused by stress – which he considered normal, but commented that shift work can of course trigger mood disorders. I’m talking to him next week to see how I am.

I’m glad he’s there to listen and guide me as I can’t afford therapy anymore.

I haven’t been able to catch up with any of my friends because I’m either working or too tired from work, so I’m feeling quite alone and isolated. More trigger points for me.

The commute into work is killing me, parking is a hassle, and the train seems too much hard work after a long shift,plus I don’t like travelling alone at night.

In all I feel like a flake.  I’m barely making enough to pay rent and bills. My hair looks bloody awful but i can’t afford a hair cut, let alone colour. I feel miserable about my appearance, but can’t do anything about it.

I’m of course grateful that I have a house AND a car AND a job. But at the moment work is ruling my entire life, I’mmissing valuable time with my children and my financial situation is dire. Meanwhile Steve continues to live in the big house and now drives a Jaguar. 

I feel so useless.

House and kids!

So I’m pretty much moved, depending on your definition of moved! My clothes are pretty much put away, the furniture is pretty much put in place. I have an electricity account, changed my drivers license address and Sky television came today to sort out my programming! I have Vodafone coming tomorrow to sort out the wifi – thank god!  The house looks good, it feels like a home. I think this is the best rental I’ve had. It’s comfy, warm and homely.

I don’t have food! My budget won’t allow a shop which is annoying because I’d like to clean up and have friends over.

Having the 4 kids on my own has been really tough going. It’s the holidays, so I’m juggling the move, issues that arise with that and driving around as well as tidying Steve’s house! Talk about out of the frying pan into the fire!

I’m a bit disappointed that my parents aren’t really involved with the kids. They could have used this time to get to know them better, even taking them out individually to make things easier. But they are in ‘holiday’ mode, so babysitting is a no go zone. And I’m shattered and very conscious that I don’t want to become unwell.

I’m trying to hold the fort until steve gets back (tomorrow) and enjoy my time with my much missed kids. But it is harder than most people would appreciate. I’d love to get into my eldest daughter’s bedroom and give it a good tidy out and move furniture around – I love surprising them like that – but frankly I’m too tired for that! I’d like to be able to take them out but I’m stone cold broke at the moment. I got some money through benefits but that wouldn’t even cover rent! I’ve got to make it last as long as possible.

On the whole I’m ‘doing it.’ I’m up early for the busy days, but my sleep is out of whack again, despite the medication . I think it’s because I spend all night ruminating over the events of the day, the next day and all of my anxieties and concerns. I almost fell into a panic attack last night, just because of how much is going on. But I’m determined to keep a handle on it. It’s just a shame that I can’t see my psychiatrist or CPN until 20 October. I could do with some support on this medication regime, although keeping up with therapy will help.

Last night I was determined to have a bath! Luckily my personal hygiene is back on track so I shower daily, but I wanted to indulge in a bath at Steve’s house because it’s been soooo long. I literally never got a chance with the kids and then I was too knackered. But tonight I will attempt it!

Well I’ve taken some time out to write this blog, I’ll have a hefty price to pay (house will be messed up again!). But I really needed some down time (although I’ve had numerous interruptions!). But I am glad to be back, I’m happy to have my children with me and I’m relieved that Steve is being really helpful and hospitable. It feels so nice not to have the negative energy and fear of the unknown.

I’ve even had a nice email communication with Steve’s parents. Thanking them for looking after the kids – they are really good with them, especially Steve’s dad and I’m happy the kids have that relationship with them. I can’t imagine them having the same closeness with my parents, but maybe when they’re older my parents will find it easier.

In other news, my sister got engaged! I’m so happy for her. She’s been with her partner for years, and they own a house together but it didn’t look like marriage would ever be on the cards, but he surprised her on a holiday in the US. I feel really lucky to have reconnected with her when I went back to the UK.

Unloading and group!

All my stuff was loaded into the truck then the new place. My parents and Steve worked tirelessly and I’m extremely grateful. I actually took off for a couple of hours to the Sunday support group . I’ve missed so many and there’s only one more before Xmas. I needed to see my people again.

It was so good to see warm, caring faces and to be part of this special group. I felt genuinely welcomed and have re established connections from before, thus given myself a feeling of support.

I also got on much better with Steve today, which makes me feel much better about things. More positive.

I still need to unpack stuff and move things around, but that will come with time. I’m looking forward to making it my space.

Right now I’m dead to the world! I’m absolutely shattered. I have another appointment with the benefits office tomorrow which will feel long and tedious again! But I’m getting there and it’s necessary.

Time to sleep now! Last night in the motel!! Then tomorrow I’m up at Steve’s house as he’s going away and my place won’t be ready in time

House

So I’ve secured a house! I can’t believe my good fortune, actually it terrifies me. Surely with something good comes something bad??

Paperwork is signed and I’m seeing the benefits office today to get help with the bond. I’ve done everything off my own back so far and I can’t begin to explain how much of an uphill battle it’s been.

I’ve sorted my utilities, now will be the big move from storage, which Steve has agreed to help with. 

Obviously I’m sad (again) that the house I owned with Steve, I’ll never live in again, but in time I’ll come to accept that. And Steve has asked me to look after the kids while he’s away, and I can do that at the house (as mine probably won’t be ready). So I get my kids for longer and get to enjoy the perks of the house!

My new home is small, older and in a nice neighbourhood. It seems quiet and is within walking distance of the train station. These are all huge pluses for me. The landlady seems really nice too.

I’ve gone about sorting the utilities, which felt nice to name a Home, as opposed to this motel.

My concern is a car. I’m using my parents rental, but they go soon so I’ll be without a car and I need one for work and driving the kids around. Steve has promised to help with that, but he’s promised a lot of things and not delivered, and my parents seem to have exhausted their reserves. They seem quite stressed about the outgoings piling up. I feel awful for putting them in that position. I feel quite useless and like I’ve failed them. But I hope in time I can redeem myself.

So today is benefits office and then therapy. Hopefully they will help lend me the money for the bond.

Then this evening I get my two youngest for the night, which will be awesome because I miss them terribly.

Disappointment 

Am I disappointing my family (parents). Yes. 100% Gone are the ‘Europe xmas breaks’ we used to buy them, gone is my capacity to accommodate them in my own home, thus them only needing flights. I am now reliant on them financially and I would say emotionally but they’ve never been very good at that side of things. Every cent my father spends is another black mark against me. He can barely control his irritation. And to be fair, in his retirement, looking after a daughter that’s pushing 40 is a lot to ask.

So far I’ve enquired about numerous properties (competition is hot), made my benefit appointment and a slot to see my therapist, I’m still applying for jobs and may well have secured one – won’t know for sure for a little while. This has been me being proactive and not waiting for things to happen for me.

I’ve had my medication changed and feel much more positive about the regime. It’s just a shame that dr was temporary.

But my parents, they don’t seem to see it. Or maybe it’s all just not happening quickly enough. I still want to spend hours languishing in bed, I still feel low, my anxiety is shocking, sleep isn’t much better – but I’m trying desperately to organise my life.

Tensions are so fraught though, and arguments keep popping out – but you can tell they’re only mild releases of pressure. A big blow up feels imminent.

I feel quite alone in this struggle. I’m enduring another tidal wave of grief and sadness after seeing anything remotely mine in the house been chucked out. I understand Steve was being practical. And it’s just ‘stuff.’ But it’s a stark and shocking reminder that the house is nothing to do with me. That I don’t have a place there. I have no home. Yesterday I broke down and cried. I felt I could have cried for hours to be honest but with the kids around, I kept it hidden. They’re so happy to see me again, I don’t want them to think I’m unhappy.

I’ll have Harry and my daughter here in the motel tonight to sleep. Although it’s not very nice here, I’d like to spend more time with them.

So the struggle is ongoing, I’m really putting everything into putting my life in order. I think my parents just can’t understand me, the situation and the complexities of it. Although I’ve tried my best to explain. Something’s people only get it when they’re going through it themselves.

Back

So after the gruelling flight from the UK we were stranded for a while in Auckland because of a burst oil pipeline. By this stage we were all tired and grouchy and desperate to get to bed.

My Dad has continually ignored my advice (which he asked for!) in terms of flights, car rental and accommodation. So it was no surprise that picking up the car was a hassle, having to call them, get shuttled to a random warehouse and being presented with the smallest car in the universe!

Tempers frayed and we all ended up rowing on the way to the motel. Which is hideous!! I’ve never stayed anywhere so bad! But of course, I can’t complain about that as well! And I’m not paying so I need to keep my complaints to myself.

Yesterday I saw the kids, which was awesome, I’ve missed them so much. Steve was far more amiable then I thought he would be, so it looks like we’ll be able to come to a compromise. I don’t want to be too complacent, you never know what can change.

Today I’m seeing my community psychiatric nurse, as I can’t see an actual psychiatrist until mid October! Ridiculous. But at least I can get my meds sorted out. I’m taking my parents with me, I think it’s important they understand my illness properly. I can see they’re getting angry with me because of my anxiety and constant depression – but I’m doing my best.

I can’t see my lawyer until next week, so that will help finalise things with steve.

I have an appointment with the benefit office next week (first one available) so I can sort out my benefits as I currently have no income and rely solely on my parents.

I’ve even been in touch with my therapist and made an appointment to see her in a week so I can continue with that.

So I’ve been fairly pro active. The biggest thing now is to organise a house.

I feel a bit better about things, but again, I won’t be complacent! And I can feel things are tense between my parents and I. My dad won’t insure me on the car for some reason and it’s caused me so much stress because once again, I’m beholden to them. Plus, I can’t get the kids and we won’t all fit in the car.

Small things, I know I can’t let myself get wound up about it and hopefully seeing the CPN today which highlight the issues I have a bit better.

But yep, sure am happy to be with my babies again!!