Tipping point

Interestingly the last few days have been surprisingly better. A few ‘shifts’ have happened.

Firstly, I was due to have the kids at my place but there was a power cut, no heat, no light so I felt it best we return to the house. I slept on the couch because Steve was leaving early the next day. They all watched a movie and I didn’t feel like it, so I curled up in a bedroom and read a book. I can’t explain the feeling, but I suddenly knew I had to get out of there. I mumbled excuses about having to buy a bottle of water from the garage. I drove a few seconds down the road and then pulled over and cried like I’ve never cried before. I sobbed, I wailed, I howled like a wounded animal. My entire body shook, i could feel this terrible pain, in that moment I could completely understand why people become addicts because I could have easily done anything to avoid the pain, but I trusted by body. I instinctively knew it was something I had to do. I don’t know how long I sat there for. I managed to get it together enough to go to the garage and buy some water but I was sobbing the whole time. I didn’t care what anyone thought. Back in the car, again i only got a little way and the whole thing started again.

By the time I got back to the house I felt drained and hollowed out. They were finishing the movie and heading to bed. I curled up on the couch and soon came the heart wrenching sobs. I managed to hold back on the wailing but the sobbing was just as gut wrenching, I played some music on my phone to cover the noise. I felt the pain the same intensity and gripped the blanket in agony.

I think I was finally grieving. I do cry easily at times, but I’ve never let go like that before. I always stop myself, scared that if I let go I might not stop or it might hurt too much. Clearly I’d reached my tipping point. I grieved for a number of things, my marriage, my health, the stuff in England, how my life is. Just everything that hurts and feels out of my control.

The next day I felt numb, but without a doubt I knew things had shifted.

A friend of mine that knew I was struggling with my house came and did a blessing on it! It was really nice of her and although I’m in two minds about it, I’m trying to stay open minded. I really love that she did that for me.

I got a new car as mine was too expensive to fix. It’s a cheap little piece of shit but I absolutely LOVE it!!! I haven’t owned a car like it before, it’s very raw but I really love it! And it’s so economical. It’s been well looked after too for its age.

I saw the new psychiatrist and she’s convinced my seizure was caused because my dose of anti depressant is far too high. The maximum dose is 400mg, I’m on 650mg. I may have my answer! She’s slowly reducing it with a view to changing it, I’m ok with that.

I’ve got a busy weekend. I had the kids over last night and I took them out for dinner, it was really lovely. We’re just going for a walk now. Then I’m catching up with different friends. I feel really grateful.

And I have two interviews on Monday! Fingers crossed!

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The update

Well I’ve decided to update my blog now – being as my bloody car has broken down at the hospital! And it’s a really cold wet day too.

The call was pretty intense, a lot to process, but she was really nice and although I’m shocked and saddened by what I learnt on the call, I’m glad it’s over. I don’t want to write too much because it’s still something I need to work through.

The results are in. Firstly the MRI showed a few too many ‘white spots’ apparently you get one for every year, but I’ve got more. I need another MRI in one year to check the growth. It’s indicative of MS.

He didn’t diagnose epilepsy because he said my first incident (I call it fainting) can’t be proven as a seizure because no one saw it and I don’t remember anything. But he said the symptoms I experienced were more in line with a seizure then fainting. I’m glad it’s not confirmed. Two seizures is a diagnosis of epilepsy. He’s put me on anti seizure medication which doubles as a migraine prevention medication – yay! He said he thinks the fact I was on the treadmill was coincidental, not the cause. And I’m booked for an EEG which will take at least 2 months and won’t really confirm anything because I’ll be on medication by then. And I see him again in 2 months to check in.

So that’s my day so far. I’m supposed to have therapy today, which I really need, but it depends if my car can be sorted.

I’m exhausted and cold, but so pleased it’s all over

In a pickle

Today is just a total cry fest. It’s been extremely emotional. I think there’s a lot of reasons for this. And I’m trying to acknowledge my feelings.

I sat and wrote out two letters to my children – in the event of my death. I have two more to go but it’s extremely emotional. I think I may have mentioned that I’ve organised things and left detailed instructions as a way to take control over dying. It’s taken some anxiety away. Not that I plan on dying any time soon, but a health scare does make you question your immortality. It was suggested by my counsellor and it’s been helpful.

I’m anxious about the call tonight from England. Hearing details, going over old ground, questioning myself and tormenting myself over my role to play.

I’m anxious about tomorrow. The most likely answer will be that the seizure was random, they don’t know why, they don’t know if I’ll have another one. Which isn’t helpful at all. And I hate the thought of trying to live life normally with the threat of collapsing in the back of my mind. Epilepsy is another possibility. I initially was terrified about that. But I guess like all illnesses, it can be treated with medication, and there’s no reason why I can’t live a normal life. Finally it could be a brain tumour. I can’t dismiss the idea out of hand, I do suffer with chronic migraines, I feel faint at times and I get blurred vision. Although as I’m writing this down it seems even more unlikely! My anxiety this last week made me think I was having a heart attack! And I’m bound to feel every little thing in my body and let it compound into something bigger. Other than that, I can’t think of any other possible answers.

A good friend once said to me, the opposite of love is indifference. I realise I go through a real cycle with my separation. I hate Steve, I want him back, I grieve the loss, I wonder about us getting back together, I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m rejected, I’m angry with myself, I go over old ground. This is not indifference. I have often used the term ‘indifference’ when describing his reaction to something. Steve is indifferent towards me. I can barely make him even angry anymore. He simply has no interest. Clearly he got there a lot quicker than I did. He’s presumably done his cycle and come out the other end. I’m still in the cycle, but have finally accepted Steve’s position. And it hurts. A lot.

So today I’ve been reading my books quietly curled up on the sofa with a blanket.

I’ve realised I’ve made some significant errors. When I left the skating rink the other day, I should have stayed. It wasn’t about me, it should have been about my kids. On the holiday Monday I felt sorry for myself because I missed my kids, and in my mind it was Steve’s week, therefore I couldn’t see them. Wrong. Steve wouldn’t have minded if I’d have taken the kids out or had them down at mine. I was creating my own drama and heart ache for ‘principle’

I’m making significant errors in judgement at the moment. I don’t know if it’s a period I’m going through, the stress I’m putting on myself, or I’m just an idiot.

I just need to get through the next couple of days. Come what may.

Group

I went to the group session today and it was a complete waste of time. The group was dominated by this crazy arse woman that talked about her life, making a Steven Segal movie more believable. It was non stop. I eventually spoke up because it was clear everyone had tuned out, but I think the facilitator wanted to bring her under control more gently. Whatever. I used the time to browse rentals on the net. I really hate this house. It’s freezing cold, it’s layout is odd and there’s just not the room for my 4 children. It’s one of reasons I was always going back to the house. To escape my own home. I actually dread going back.

My good friend has come over and she is in complete agreement. It’s just not got a very nice vibe. But it has served its purpose, I needed a house quickly before my parents left and this was here. Hopefully being winter I’ll have less competition looking for a new place.

I had coffee with my friend at her place after group to debrief, it’s become our routine now. She could tell I was really down. I said I longed to return to the house, to the lights, the noise, my children, the warmth and broke down and cried as I seem to be doing constantly lately. She keeps reassuring me that this will pass. At the moment it’s hard to stay positive. I’ve had to stop the gym, stop looking for work and worry constantly about keeping my heart rate down. Why do I keep being beaten down?

I’ve taken to leaving the tv on at night, on a music channel. I can’t stand the silence and this seemed a good way to make the nights more bearable.

I just have to wait until Wednesday- then I should get answers and be able to resume trying to make a life for myself.

I am letting myself feel the pain, the sadness, the despair. It’s all uncomfortable but I can only heal from it by going through it. And I’ve spent too much of my life ignoring what’s in my heart. So whilst my physical world falls apart and my physical health is questionable, my mental and emotional well-being is being acknowledged. As long as I don’t go down again. That would be really bad.

And Steve continues to thrive and love his big, full life with no regard or compassion for me at all. It’s amazing how quickly some people can shut off. I wish he had half of my problems – that might be more humbling to him. But he’s destined to walk on water.

Life. Sucks.

The email

To my counsellor

The MRI was as panic inducing as I expected. In fact I anticipated a seizure as a result of the huge stress on my body. Had it not been for  a friend holding my hand – I couldn’t have done it. The hole was so small and the noise just terrifying. But I am relieved it’s done. I’m also relieved that I didn’t have a seizure – this is surely a positive sign?

I heard on Friday night that the cop in England was found guilty. He will have a record and be unable to work for any police force, corrections, security type roles.

I’m still struggling with it. The guilty thing was decided which indicates he was in the wrong and I feel vindicated. Yet another part of me thinks that he is so less worse then the rapist. He was only ever nice to me – even when he was commanding. He manipulated me in such a way that he made me feel safe, even when he made me feel ashamed and dirty. How can that be? I hoped that Steve might see the ‘affair’ in a different light, that is, there was no black and white. But he has moved on/no longer cares. This outcome is something you and I need to discuss in more detail. Also, the investigating officer is calling me on Tuesday night to explain in detail what it all means and in her words ‘to ensure I have good support in place.’

It’s certainly been a roller coaster of emotions. The betrayal of good friends, the stress of the MRI, the results of the investigation and also learning that Steve is not and cannot be my ‘go to person’

Yet I still learn nothing. Today (Saturday) I longed for my family, for my role as mother and yes I admit I longed for a partner to bear part of my burden. I didn’t consider my fragile emotional/mental state. Instead ploughing on with my expectations.

My eldest C had horse riding and my other children wanted to go roller skating. I was happy to take C and then meet Steve and the kids at roller skating. I longed for the ‘normal’ family outing. Instead the complete opposite happened – as I’m sure you could have predicted. C fell off her horse, once I knew she wasn’t hurt I began a tirade of vitriol towards the horse she was on. My daughter was upset by my comments. She told me I ruined good things for her and that’s why she didn’t like me taking her horse riding. What could I say to that? I have let my own daughter down with my anger.

I was angry because I was scared for her. I couldn’t catch her, I couldn’t save her, so instead I placed all of my powerlessness at the horse. Plus the fact the damn horse did cause my daughter to fall!

So we drove on to roller skating. Her, refusing to talk to me. When we arrived H wanted to skate but my fears clawed at me straight away, the roller skates weren’t made especially for young children, there was no helmet, no pads! My little boy would be vulnerable. I think by this stage Steve saw me as a total nuisance.

I wasn’t needed. I was just a taxi, this was Steve’s show and I was encroaching. I didn’t belong.

Why did I have these ridiculous expectations? Why can’t I learn? This is not my family anymore. We’re not a unit. I am mother on my time, nothing more.

My friend S has continually been by my side, trying to keep me focussed on reality – I cannot appreciate her enough.

I left the skating ring. I didn’t want to physically turn away from my children, but I realised that this wasn’t my place. They had Steve and he was more than enough.

I got some wine and lie miserably on my couch. Images of England and what happened barking at my heels, my hidden fears about my health, the sense of loneliness and the pain. Reality fucking hurts.

The positive things to come out of this is that as we discussed I have taken some control over my death (if that was happen). I sat and wrote everything out. My wishes, the practical aspects, access codes. I saved it as a draft email. I won’t send until I’ve completed my letters to the children. But I know I have at least made things easier and there is less to worry about. In doing this I realised all of my outgoings, so I’ve had to face up to this and make some serious changes.

The week about starts next week as Steve isn’t travelling. I’m deeply saddened that it’s come to this. I grieve again for the home I’ve lost and the sense of partnership I imagined for myself. But I realise I can’t emotionally sever ties until I start removing myself from ties.

Tonight I feel a sense of relief that the week is all but over. I’m so grateful to the friends I’ve come to realise are true and can reach out too. But I’m so sad, so lonely and so fed up with myself (more than Steve is – which is saying something!).

I felt so much lighter after our last session and wanted to get down everything that’s happened to make some sense of it. To fill you in and get your much appreciated feedback.

If I don’t hear from you tonight (and that’s ok!) I’ll see you tomorrow,

Much love

Therapy

One of my friend’s messaged me, she asked how I was, I told her about the MRI and how scared I was – and she immediately offered to come with me. Even though it’s a different town. I’m so happy and appreciative of this. I didn’t expect anyone to drop anything and come rushing to my side, but I did expect friends to message me and ask how I was. I’m often seen as the ‘strong’ person, I’m assertive and usually very confident. But right now, I’m scared. I’m scared, vulnerable and feel very alone. I don’t trust my body, I feel so tired and sad.

Last night I barely slept, I was so scared that I was going to die in my sleep. I’m worried for my children, that would scar them for life. I’m probably being overly dramatic, but I just don’t know anything anymore. I’m ashamed to admit to being vulnerable. And I’m facing my fear head on. Crying when I need too, and speaking out loud about it.

Today I sat with my counsellor and let everything tumble out. My disappointment at the lack of support, my pain over Steve not giving a damn and my fears about the loss of control over my own body. I think this is one of the few sessions where I let my emotions rule. Usually I intellectualise everything in a bid to avoid the hard stuff. But I’m way past that now. It’s actually very freeing to say and feel whatever floats to the surface.

I’ve had a couple of jobs from applications ages ago come through and offer an interview. I’m still going for those. I can’t put my life on hold while I wait for test results. I need something else to focus on. I had all these plans, to get a job I loved, to eventually change my house and get a new car. I wanted to be living and succeeding. I was also using the gym to lose weight and get fit. But after the seizure, it felt like everything was slipping out of my hands. My body betrayed me. And then no one helped to pick up the pieces.

It feels like it’s one battle after another. I’m growing tired and disheartened.

I just want this MRI to be over and then to be told there’s nothing wrong with me, it was just a blip. A fall out from pushing so hard to get a job and pushing myself at the gym. Then I can find a healthy balance and take it as a warning.

But I feel valued by two of my very good friends, my therapist has offered support out of hours and then of course my CPN offered to come with me. I guess I’m not such a bad person.

Miserable

I saw my counsellor today and had a good cry about my fears surrounding the seizure. Living alone is so hard. I feel scared to sleep in case I don’t wake up, I’m scared I could pass out and knock myself out and literally no one will know until Steve needs me to get the kids. That’s all I am to him, a 24/7 nanny. He has no regard for my wellbeing at all. I’ve had to sit the kids down and explain what a seizure is and what to do. I feel a tremendous amount of pressure.

I’ve had a phone call from a cardiologist, I’m going in on Friday this week and Friday next week to have my heart monitored. I’m surprised they’re looking at my heart first. I’m sure nothing came up on the trace in the hospital. At least if it’s my heart it’s not a brain tumour. Steve will be disappointed, I’m sure he’s banking on me expiring soon, his family and him will dance on my grave.

How does it get to that? Your husband and best friend not giving a shit.

Last night I drove home in a terrific storm, thunder, lightening and wind. My worst fears. I could hardly see out my windscreen. I just hate this. All of this.

I can’t imagine things ever getting better for me. I’m struggling financially, my job hunt will have to wait until I find out what caused the seizure, I feel like I have nothing.

I was offered a great teaching job in China. It’s so tempting to say fuck it all and head over there. Actually enjoy my life for once. But now I have this health thing, it’s definitely off the table.

I took H to the dr today, he needs to have some blood tests done. Obviously he’s my priority now. I hope at the very least I can be there for my son.