Same old

Maybe day 4 or 5, no showering, same clothes. I’ve given up on life. I’ve certainly given up on myself. No one would believe I used to get my hair done regularly, get my nails done, care about my presentation. I’ve got long dark roots, perpetually greasy, lank hair, crooked nails, and I don’t even know where my make up is. 

I look old, ragged, tired, and I’ve lost my sense of worth. I don’t care how I look and I don’t care how others see me. I have nothing and I am nothing.

S only cares about getting me to sign the house over. So his parents can hold it and then hand it back. He’s sorted for life. And I’m pretty sure he’s seeing someone, he’s on his phone all the time, sneaking out to take calls. It’s like him and I never existed. He doesn’t show any signs of compassion or even regard me as familiar. I’m just an over stayer. I never imagined how much that would hurt. I never thought he could be so cold and callous. I don’t know him at all anymore. And I guess that’s part of the reason I don’t know myself anymore. I used to be life and soul of the party, now I’m pretty much in bed all the time. Forget friends, I haven’t made an effort at all. 

I’d say I’m dead inside but I still have deep feelings of hurt and sadness. 

I don’t know if I’ll get through this. I hope every day that a truck will hit me, or I’ll have a brain aneurysm, just something that will stop this constant misery. I don’t want to hurt my children and I know they’d be devastated, so that’s why I’m not actually doing anything myself. It would be easier if it were out of my control. Every day. I hope something will happen. My funeral would be empty, it’d be process. Because I’m a nothing. A no one. I’ve not made any differences, I’ve not left any marks.

Well, maybe the plane will go down! Not that I wish death on anyone else.

I’m really anxious about my upcoming trip. I’ll miss my children so much. To be so far from them is a scary thought. There’s no ‘jumping on a flight’ in an emergency. It takes 30 odd hours of travel. I’ve never been very far from them before.

I wouldn’t be surprised if S left me there. He can do whatever he likes while I’m out of the picture. And I don’t know him anymore. It’s like he’d slay me with a sword with a smile on his face. I know he’s always thinking and planning, but in his mind, I’m the enemy. Sometimes he’s nice to me, and it’s almost scary. I wonder where the ‘metaphorical’ punch will come. I’m not sure he’s capable of being nice to me out of any sense of residual care for me, the anger, disgust, and disdain boils over too much sometimes for me to know where his true feelings lie.

Anyway, there’s no point keep going on about my sunken marriage I suppose. Perhaps this is normal, when couples separate, feelings change 180 degrees. It just becomes a game to some.

Hopefully England will give me the respite i  need. My parents aren’t particularly sympathetic people and usually blame me for my troubles, I only hope I can push that aside and just be grateful I’m out of NZ for a bit.

More low?

So I wasn’t entirely forthcoming about something else on my blog, something I kept to myself. I saw my GP about reoccurring eczema on my breast and she referred me to a mammogram. I had that today and got the all clear. I didn’t want to write about it because I didn’t want anyone to know. Last night I hardly slept at all thinking about it. Not just the outcome but the test itself. Turns out the test wasn’t painful, it was quick and the woman was really friendly.

To be honest, I couldn’t have fought anything else. I’m on a losing streak with this depression. I can’t face the days, everything overwhelms me, everything is grey. 

Yesterday I had to pick the kids up early again because I had an appointment, this time with the benefits office. They won’t help with the ‘scungey’ flat, so I’m back to square one. I’m now officially homeless. Squatting at my ex husband’s. I honestly don’t think life can get much worse.

All of my crap is in storage, even clothes so I barely change. Goes with my barely showering. I’m a complete shambles.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I keep being rejected, smacked by the face and pushed down. 

Chicken!

I  have just arrived back at my place after a long cold windy drive over the mountain range. I actually dreaded coming here tonight, it wasn’t easy leaving the house. I had the kids all around me and we were under blankets watching TV, I could even pretend I was part of a real family for a little while. But I know S was due home soon and he would be expecting me to vacate once he returned. I did as he expected, a brief conversation ensued, at least I didn’t leave in tears. I came close though, Especially when the children were begging me to stay the night. It’s all very confusing for them.

It’s interesting that people can see changes in my blog, I can’t. Not only can I not see positive changes but I just see one miserable entry after another. I’d like to believe that I would be happy again, but at this stage it’s very hard to believe.

My best friend in England was facing criminal charges, it’s a long story. But she was facing losing her freedom, her reputation, her future. She felt she had nothing and she had no one as her friends had shown their true colours. I supported her as best I could from here. The trial dates were dragged out, and she could never see the end to all of it. Now I am happy to report that she is almost due with her first and very unexpected baby, with a lovely man that she met, and she has a job she enjoys. The pending charges were discarded as they should have been in the beginning so she has a full future in front of her as well. I think about that, and I think about other friends that have been through separations, etc. It’s amazing how my fallback is always ‘I never thought it would be me.’

I reflected today that perhaps I am just a very genuinely awful person and I have done something to deserve this. The way S has spoken to me and shut me down on numerous occasions leads me to believe that there is a reason he hates me so much I have obviously done something so appalling and abismol that I simply deserve everything that is happening. I feel like I don’t know him any more and that is the hardest of all.

Still today, I did the best I could I got up and I went to the library after dropping the kids off at school and I worked on my CV and did some research on jobs in the area. My confidence is shot to pieces and I have to say just by doing that little bit of work I was absolutely exhausted and had to go home for a short nap. This worries me. But hopefully I can try and secure something, or a least feel better about myself for trying.

I’m fresh out of ideas so I  just keep doing what people recommend I  to do and hopefully find something that works.

It is miserable being back at the house tonight, I miss my son so much and I will miss the children in the morning.

A random chicken turned up today at the house and it was so much fun to see my son with the chicken he was absolutely in love with it!


Suffice to say, long talks to let the chook go! I was proud of my daughters for making posters though and putting them up, eager to make sure the owners were reunited.

Living

I know it’s been awhile since I last updated my blog. My emotions have been swinging so quickly like a pendulum it’s been hard to really capture any particular mood. Or any real direction.

After being in the hospital for two nights I went to a respite facility that was actually quite nice. I hadn’t seen my family and I was missing them hugely, but I was on new medication and feeling the effects of that. I swung between being determined to grab life by the horns and give it my best shot and giving up altogether because everything seemed like such hard work. Even typing an entry for this blog felt like a huge amount of energy.

Finally I am back looking after the children and S has gone away. So it’s a case of out of the frying pan into the fire. I’m really enjoying my time with them though, and although I’m more tired than normal I’m making my time with them more special.

I did talk to S while I was here about the possibility of us getting back together and me living here again. Suffice to say it’s not go down well he rejected me out of hand . In fact I was shocked at how quickly he turned me down out of hand. I thought he might at least want to consider it. As he is away anyway every week it makes sense because I’m at the house to look after the children. It’s not only that obviously I do want to repair our marriage and I’m prepared to do whatever it takes to help us get back on track. I want to look at the damage that was caused and throw myself into the repairs. I’m old now and I want my family, I don’t like living alone, and I don’t like spreading the kids out. I just want everything back to normal. It hurt so much when S said no immediately. Although I did choose to tell him at the time he was working under stress for a Time pressured assignment. As the time has gone on I have convinced myself that is the best thing for me to move back , for a myriad of reasons, and gently work on our damaged marriage. But I can’t see S agreeing any time soon so I don’t know what will happen on that front.

As for now I’m taking each day as it comes and enjoying my children and seeing them is my greatest accomplishments.

Photos – games at my house 

Taking the kids out to dinner

Overdose

Taken an overdose. Spent the last two nights in hospital.

At S’s house for tonight, then going to a different respite. Meds have been vamped up.

Yesterday was the worst, felt like I was in the worst hole. Everything was dire.

I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore.

Anyway, absolutely shattered and have sorted sleep medication too so I won’t be living on maddening fragments of sleep.

Will write more when I’m more with it.

The call

Last night after I wrote my blog entry I hadn’t  put my phone down yet and it rang. It was quite late and my phone was on silent but I answered it anyway out of curiosity. It turned out to be somebody from the CATT team. This is an out of hours mental health service. She was calling to see how I was, presumably my case manager had requested a call yesterday evening. I was already in tears from when I wrote my blog, so she had caught me at a perfect time. I continued to cry down the phone to her and tell her that my children deserved better than what they’re getting from me. She listened and tried to advise me, but I was so distraught and so worked up I could only talk about how much I hated myself and how much I have let my children down. H entered  the room, so I asked him to stay in the room and I went out to the lounge. Then the children obviously heard me talking on the phone came out and saw me in tears. I asked them to go back to their rooms and then retreated to the bathroom so I could talk to the woman a bit better. But Harry was having none of it and kept following me around. I could tell that he was concerned about me. I explained this to the woman on the phone, I also explained how tired I was and how tired  I was of fighting.

She agreed that action needed to take place as soon as possible. Obviously I was looking after the children so it wasn’t an option for something to happen right then, but she said she’d arrange my case manager to give me a ring the next morning and talked about going into respite again. She said I sounded absolutely exhausted and obviously needed a break.

Harry slept in bed with me and I finally fell asleep in my tears. Meanwhile S had text me saying that the girls had called him and were worried about me because I was crying down the phone to somebody. I took the tone of his text to be that he was having a go at me for upsetting our children. I don’t know if he was or not, but it felt like it at that time.  I was able to placate the girls quite well because I already had a migraine earlier in the day, so I explained that I was still feeling unwell and a friend had called me. I responded to S and got angry in my text messages, it always feels like he’s criticising me, and his text messages are always so cold. It feels like he has no respect for me not even as the mother of his children. I don’t know why he hates me so much.

This morning it was so difficult to get ready and to get the children out the door. The house felt like a horrible mess and the laundry was piled up. I hadn’t showered so I was equally a mess and I hadn’t  made the girls lunches. So I am a useless mother.  

My case manager called me and asked me to go into his office after school drop off. I really didn’t feel like it because I had woken up again with a migraine and I was feeling very emotional. But I went and we talked through some options which included respite again. He said he’d make some calls and get back to me.

I had a hospital appointment for my hand which I had decided to miss because of my anxiety and because I was feeling such an emotional wreck. But I decided to go because I couldn’t face going back to the house. I’m glad I did, my hand hasn’t improved and I need some more tests done so the physiotherapist is going to arrange that for me.

Driving to the hospital and back I kept imagining driving into a truck or driving into a river; life just suddenly seemed to have no purpose and I wanted to die. I could see no way forward. I got back to the house and I emailed my caseworker and said that I felt suicidal. He arranged to visit me this afternoon and again to discuss options.

It became that even as a miserable tired mother that wasn’t good enough, the children would be better with no mother at all. When my caseworker arrived we did talk about the mental health unit which is notoriously old, dirty, and has awful staff. If the hospital was different I would have voluntarily committed myself. But we agreed that I would give respite a try first. It has 24/7 support staff, and my caseworker said that more staff could be arranged if I needed.

I felt a bit more relaxed about things and agreed that respite was the way to go. I had also been harassing S to get an earlier flight as he wasn’t due back until after 9 PM. It’s unreasonable that he’s getting such late flights after leaving me in charge of the kids in the house for so long. Fortunately he was able to bring his flight forward and will now be arriving at 4:30 PM. I will then go on to respite house. My caseworker has booked five days for me but has told me I can have longer if I need. He’s also reminded me that my medications can be changed, clearly they’re not working and it would be good to have everything reviewed. But that won’t happen until I see my psychiatrist on the 19th, I can’t see her any sooner.

My despair has come about because I am doing everything right. I am taking my medication, I am not self-medicating, I am speaking out when I feel unwell. And yet I continue to feel stuck in this horrible dark hole. I can’t imagine ever feeling any better. But I will surrender to respite house and just hope that eventually the right medication will see me right. My children deserve quality time with their mother.

Failing as a mother

I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I’m failing miserably at being a mother, I’m for ever irritable and I can’t stay on top of the laundry and the mess anymore. If anyone was to ask any of my children now, they would refer to me as a miserable moody old mother. They would say I always seem tired and I’m always shouting. I’m letting down my most precious beings. I can hear myself and see myself but  I still can’t stop. I’m in a spiral of failing miserably and constantly.

I love my children more than anything and I am so proud of them, but my mere presence is unwarranted here. I’m causing too much upset, and I’m not doing everything like I should be. I’m crying as I write this, because I hate what I have become. And I hate that my children have to see me like this. I hate that S isn’t more present, at least they would have the reassurance of one stable person.

My body screams against my movements, I can’t be bothered to shower, brush my teeth, look after my hair. I avoid going anywhere, dropping off the children is hard enough. I don’t want interactions with anybody else. My case manager asked to come over this morning, but I said no. What’s the point? Nobody can help me, I talk in circles, no one can fix me. I take my medication, I don’t drink, I don’t self medicate, I’m following the rules and yet I still feel like a walking disaster. My children have nothing to be proud of, nothing to aspire to. I’m just a miserable fat lump, and I hate myself for it. What am I teaching my children? That it’s okay to hide in bed when life is hard? That it’s okay to not care for yourself? They are only getting bad examples from me. They deserve so much better.

I need S to hurry up and come home and be a father to the children. So that I can go and they don’t have to put up with me anymore. I love my children more than anything, and I hate how I am letting them down. I have just wanted them to be proud of me, but  nothing I do would make them proud of me. I love my children more than anything, and I hate how I am letting them down. I have just wanted them to be proud of me, but  nothing I do will make them proud or to make them want to be around me.

I feel like a constant burden, I know S will be fed up because he’s so caught up in his new career and I’m not fulfilling my duties as main carer. I am becoming a greater inconvenience.

I know his mother will have to come, and I hate that so much because it means I failed and it will feed him and his family with so much ammunition that I can’t look after my own children.

I just don’t want to live. Living is too painful, life is too hard, hurting people I care about is too much of a cross to bear.