Getting low

I’ve been trying to fight it, but the low is beginning it’s suffocating embrace. I’ve put it down to my past and the anniversary but time is passing and I’m not getting any better.

I saw my counsellor today, Satchel, and she’s heavily into Buddhism (I don’t care about her religious preferences) but it means the therapy always goes off on a tangent about what Buddhists think/do. The last session and this session I couldn’t face the pain of talking about confronting things, so I let her waffle on. She seemed oblivious at times that this was a counselling session. I think a good counsellor would bring out what I’m thinking about and give me space to work through it. But I’ve never been very good at facing the pain, so I have good distraction techniques and as she likes to talk, it’s worked out for me. Although then I walk away and feel cheated, that’s on me I know. But now there’s so room to open up, I feel like we’ve become a student/teacher dynamic.

My grief over my marriage is huge, the enormity of all I’ve lost, the sense of loneliness, the feel of being out in this void. I have no direction. I’ve lost my best friend. Memories keep floating up, of which we’ve accumulated lots, and it just fills me with this intense pain. I miss my home, I miss being part of a family. The kids prefer the house naturally and have voiced that they don’t like mine. I don’t like mine! I hate returning to my dark little house, leaving behind my family and the warmth of the house. It feels like a waking nightmare.

Steve has fully moved on. His career is really soaring, he loves his job and has a great social life. He’d probably say he’s doing better without me. Perhaps that’s true.

I also saw my CPN, I was completely honest. I told him I considered stopping my medication (as previously that’s pushed me into a mania) and I’d give anything for that energy. I’ve also considered taking all of my medication and ending it all. To my surprise he said he understood, it made complete sense that I’d want to get away from the depths of my depression. I appreciated his response. Not panic or judgement, just acceptance. He said he’d speak to the psychiatrist and get some advice. He’s recommended the usual cures. Not staying in bed, getting exercise, good ideas but I’m seriously lacking the motivation. I’m literally only getting out of bed to see the kids. Without them, I’d be stuck in bed and would have long since given up.

My CPN did email me and my anti depressant is going to be increased. I’m doubtful that it would have any effect, but I’m willing to try it.

I can’t stand another low like before. It was that which sent me to England in the end.

I just don’t see much point in anything anymore. Aside from my children obviously.

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Suicide and Xmas

So Xmas eve night I cried for hours. As I often do on Xmas, and no alcohol was involved. It got so bad I started to consider driving off and then driving off a cliff. The idea seemed incredibly alluring but I considered that Xmas day would be forever remembered as the day that mummy killed herself. It was really hard to try and stay rational. Popping a few Valium helped.

Xmas day has been fantastic though. The kids loved their presents (even the meagre few from me) and Steve cooked a beautiful roast. It was nice to be a united family and I think the kids really benefited from it.

We took the kids to the park to try out their new bikes

And of course Ava came along. Although wasn’t impressed about being kept on a lead! But their were loads of families out, despite the drizzle. It was lovely to see.

I did have fleeting moments of panic, I’m not sure why. So found myself easily exhausted. And I’ve been getting constant headaches from clenching my jaw at night, so I need to sort out some sort of bite plate at night.

Xmas with a mental illness is never easy and I felt the struggle all too much as usual. But I tried to get into the festive spirit and relax.

Tomorrow is Boxing Day and Steve is taking the kids to their grandparents in Napier, I’m dreading being alone. I’ve really loved having so much time with the kids. I won’t drink and I guess I’ll communicate as best I can with friends to ensure I stay on top of my feelings. I really hate feeling this way. It’s like no medication is strong enough to get me through Xmas. And I’m clearly not strong enough. It’s a terrible weakness I have.

So today I will treasure, I’m grateful to Steve and I’m truly blessed to have such awesome, beautiful children. I’m sure the kids will have a great time in Napier and they deserve to be spoilt. I just wish it didn’t have hurt as much to let them go.

Update

Life has been extremes as I anticipated but it’s gruelling and tiring.

I have looked at lots of rental properties (all awful). I have seen my lawyer, that tore my life apart, and I had an appointment with Work and Income which was extremely demoralising.

I’ve done everything I possibly can, keep applying for work, house hunting, got my benefits sorted, but I still feel like I’m drowning. I love weekends with the kids, they really keep me going.

New medication seems to be helping somewhat, but I’m anxious. I need them to work.

My parents are still doing the best they can, but I think they’re feeling the financial strain and will be happy for me to be sorted.

Two nights ago I got drunk (alone) on cheap plonk. I had very strong urges to self harm, I gave all of my sharp things to my parents- even my medication. It’s the first time I’ve been honest and done something preventative. I guess I’m kind of proud of myself for that. I’m sad that I got to that level. I hope it was just the wine, which is why I avoid drinking too much and why I won’t be doing that again.

Today I’ve finalised some more paperwork for work and income and am trying to rest.

Tomorrow I have therapy and more house viewings.

I’m just keen to get into a routine now. This all feels so temporary but in a scary way. I feel close to a panic attack often, as I have so little control over my future.

Reality

So my dad has booked the tickets and I’m beyond excited to see my babies again. It’s been too long and much longer than I anticipated. I keep imagining their faces, their warmth, even the way they smell. I won’t be able to get enough of them.

The hurdles that I have to deal with on my return are what are keeping me awake at night. I’m so glad my parents are going to be flying with me and have booked accomodation for us. That’s a huge weight off of my mind. But I have so much to organise in the short time they’re with me, seeing my lawyer, organising my medication and worse still, organising my own accomodation in the long term. I keep having terrible anxiety attacks and I’m barely sleeping. I feel deeply suicidal because I don’t know how I’m going to be strong enough to deal with all the shit, especially how Steve will inevitably treat me. I feel so vulnerable, so alone, so afraid of my uncertain future. But having my parents by my side in the start will help immensely. My focus is on my children and their love and excitement to see me back.

I am both relieved at the booked flights and equally terrified. There is something to be said for the ignorant sanctity I have been indulging in back home. Although I’ve obviously had guilt and uncertainty, the immediate concerns could be thwarted by delay. Now everything is speeding towards me like a jump from a tall building and I know this landing is also going to hurt.

I’m scared of my unknown future. I’m not strong like I used to be. Nothing is the same. And somehow I need to conjure the strength to organise everything in the short time that I have my parents both emotionally and financially. And I worry about the toll on them. They don’t have deep pockets, they’re old and deserve their peace. Not hurtling towards a car crash situation that’s geographically the furthest point away with a large potential financial burden.

I feel like I’ve let everyone down. I’m no longer the daughter to be proud of, the mother to be proud of and the woman to be envied because I had it all. I’m broken and I have nothing. I am nothing and I’m completely without direction. 

Aside from the warmth of my children – that is all I have to cling to.

Same old

Maybe day 4 or 5, no showering, same clothes. I’ve given up on life. I’ve certainly given up on myself. No one would believe I used to get my hair done regularly, get my nails done, care about my presentation. I’ve got long dark roots, perpetually greasy, lank hair, crooked nails, and I don’t even know where my make up is. 

I look old, ragged, tired, and I’ve lost my sense of worth. I don’t care how I look and I don’t care how others see me. I have nothing and I am nothing.

S only cares about getting me to sign the house over. So his parents can hold it and then hand it back. He’s sorted for life. And I’m pretty sure he’s seeing someone, he’s on his phone all the time, sneaking out to take calls. It’s like him and I never existed. He doesn’t show any signs of compassion or even regard me as familiar. I’m just an over stayer. I never imagined how much that would hurt. I never thought he could be so cold and callous. I don’t know him at all anymore. And I guess that’s part of the reason I don’t know myself anymore. I used to be life and soul of the party, now I’m pretty much in bed all the time. Forget friends, I haven’t made an effort at all. 

I’d say I’m dead inside but I still have deep feelings of hurt and sadness. 

I don’t know if I’ll get through this. I hope every day that a truck will hit me, or I’ll have a brain aneurysm, just something that will stop this constant misery. I don’t want to hurt my children and I know they’d be devastated, so that’s why I’m not actually doing anything myself. It would be easier if it were out of my control. Every day. I hope something will happen. My funeral would be empty, it’d be process. Because I’m a nothing. A no one. I’ve not made any differences, I’ve not left any marks.

Well, maybe the plane will go down! Not that I wish death on anyone else.

I’m really anxious about my upcoming trip. I’ll miss my children so much. To be so far from them is a scary thought. There’s no ‘jumping on a flight’ in an emergency. It takes 30 odd hours of travel. I’ve never been very far from them before.

I wouldn’t be surprised if S left me there. He can do whatever he likes while I’m out of the picture. And I don’t know him anymore. It’s like he’d slay me with a sword with a smile on his face. I know he’s always thinking and planning, but in his mind, I’m the enemy. Sometimes he’s nice to me, and it’s almost scary. I wonder where the ‘metaphorical’ punch will come. I’m not sure he’s capable of being nice to me out of any sense of residual care for me, the anger, disgust, and disdain boils over too much sometimes for me to know where his true feelings lie.

Anyway, there’s no point keep going on about my sunken marriage I suppose. Perhaps this is normal, when couples separate, feelings change 180 degrees. It just becomes a game to some.

Hopefully England will give me the respite i  need. My parents aren’t particularly sympathetic people and usually blame me for my troubles, I only hope I can push that aside and just be grateful I’m out of NZ for a bit.

More low?

So I wasn’t entirely forthcoming about something else on my blog, something I kept to myself. I saw my GP about reoccurring eczema on my breast and she referred me to a mammogram. I had that today and got the all clear. I didn’t want to write about it because I didn’t want anyone to know. Last night I hardly slept at all thinking about it. Not just the outcome but the test itself. Turns out the test wasn’t painful, it was quick and the woman was really friendly.

To be honest, I couldn’t have fought anything else. I’m on a losing streak with this depression. I can’t face the days, everything overwhelms me, everything is grey. 

Yesterday I had to pick the kids up early again because I had an appointment, this time with the benefits office. They won’t help with the ‘scungey’ flat, so I’m back to square one. I’m now officially homeless. Squatting at my ex husband’s. I honestly don’t think life can get much worse.

All of my crap is in storage, even clothes so I barely change. Goes with my barely showering. I’m a complete shambles.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I keep being rejected, smacked by the face and pushed down. 

Chicken!

I  have just arrived back at my place after a long cold windy drive over the mountain range. I actually dreaded coming here tonight, it wasn’t easy leaving the house. I had the kids all around me and we were under blankets watching TV, I could even pretend I was part of a real family for a little while. But I know S was due home soon and he would be expecting me to vacate once he returned. I did as he expected, a brief conversation ensued, at least I didn’t leave in tears. I came close though, Especially when the children were begging me to stay the night. It’s all very confusing for them.

It’s interesting that people can see changes in my blog, I can’t. Not only can I not see positive changes but I just see one miserable entry after another. I’d like to believe that I would be happy again, but at this stage it’s very hard to believe.

My best friend in England was facing criminal charges, it’s a long story. But she was facing losing her freedom, her reputation, her future. She felt she had nothing and she had no one as her friends had shown their true colours. I supported her as best I could from here. The trial dates were dragged out, and she could never see the end to all of it. Now I am happy to report that she is almost due with her first and very unexpected baby, with a lovely man that she met, and she has a job she enjoys. The pending charges were discarded as they should have been in the beginning so she has a full future in front of her as well. I think about that, and I think about other friends that have been through separations, etc. It’s amazing how my fallback is always ‘I never thought it would be me.’

I reflected today that perhaps I am just a very genuinely awful person and I have done something to deserve this. The way S has spoken to me and shut me down on numerous occasions leads me to believe that there is a reason he hates me so much I have obviously done something so appalling and abismol that I simply deserve everything that is happening. I feel like I don’t know him any more and that is the hardest of all.

Still today, I did the best I could I got up and I went to the library after dropping the kids off at school and I worked on my CV and did some research on jobs in the area. My confidence is shot to pieces and I have to say just by doing that little bit of work I was absolutely exhausted and had to go home for a short nap. This worries me. But hopefully I can try and secure something, or a least feel better about myself for trying.

I’m fresh out of ideas so I  just keep doing what people recommend I  to do and hopefully find something that works.

It is miserable being back at the house tonight, I miss my son so much and I will miss the children in the morning.

A random chicken turned up today at the house and it was so much fun to see my son with the chicken he was absolutely in love with it!


Suffice to say, long talks to let the chook go! I was proud of my daughters for making posters though and putting them up, eager to make sure the owners were reunited.