Again, I have left it quite awhile before writing. I suppose this is largely because of the whole Covid situation, I was waiting to see what was going to happen in terms of my job and my home, like the rest of the world I suppose. I didn’t find myself overly stressed during this period, we are very lucky with our government here and the management of the situation. My job remains stable and I worked from home and the rent freeze meant I didn’t have to worry about increases so in all I wasn’t largely affected by the Covid.
A bit like the school holidays, I was able to enjoy time with the children. It’s a nightmare to take them shopping anyway and we don’t really eat out very much, so there wasn’t a great difference for me. I worry about my family over in the UK of course because it’s a completely different situation largely because of the useless government. I can only speak with them online and hope that they remain safe.
My mental state has actually stayed very stable considering all of the anxiety. Unfortunately my physical health has not been great. I broke my ankle a couple of weeks ago and it’s causing me a huge amount of pain, I was able to get a moon boot so I’m able to drive because I can’t afford to take time off of work. But I think the driving and continued activity is delaying my recovery. Again there isn’t much I can do about that because need to have an income.
Obviously I haven’t been able to rely on Steve at all in terms of support, so I continue to do my best with the kids and my best financially. Although I resent his attitude towards me, I actually don’t feel particularly bothered by him anymore! He is just an annoying aspect of my life that I have to deal with for the rest of my life because of our children. But there is definitely no love or affection there. It does surprise me sometimes when I Think about how close we were and now we are basically strangers that can barely tolerate each other. But I tend not to fester over that very much.
All I care about are the children. As long as they know that we both love them very much and we will always be there for them, that is all that matters. That is very much on point for today as my eldest turned 16! I still can’t believe I have a 16-year-old. I took her for lunch today and to get a manicure, we don’t spend too much time together so it was really nice to hang out. And now Steve has taken them all out for dinner. It was a tradition that we would all go to dinner, and I would have to put up with passive aggressive comments over the table. I have been trying to gently push the kids away from these expectations. I do think it’s unrealistic to expect a separated family to come together for birthdays and Christmas. Last Christmas I made it separate for the first time, and I don’t think it was a failure at all. And this way my daughter had my time all day and now the siblings and Dad have this evening.
My life revolves around the children and my job. Study has also started again now so I’m going to be incredibly distracted with that. I’m also looking after a friends dog. It’s a bit random but she really needed someone to look after her dog while she moved house. Sadly our cat was run over a few weeks ago and we were all absolutely devastated. So taking this dog in as part of a distraction as well from that and to help the kids deal with that grief. He’s been a welcome addition to my little family. he is very gentle and sweet natured and also very well-trained. We took him to the beach the other day on a sunny day and it was really nice to get out of the house and do something a bit different, where as normally we just have slobbed around all day.
It’s certainly been a very strange year. Most people have written off 2020 because of how stressful it’s been. But for me theres been some really good parts, that is, mainly getting my lovely little flat which I still absolutely adore and would love to be in a position to buy in a year and also getting this consistent employment.
Of course we are only midway through! So anything can happen now! But I definitely feel in a position to handle what life throws my way. I’ve proved time and time again that I will come out fighting. No matter how tired I might be, no matter if sometimes I lie in bed and have a little cry. I just keep going!
I don’t have a social life at all! I’m definitely very much a homebody. And this is probably grown even more so during the Covid lockdown. I don’t miss the social interaction, I get enough of that in my job! And I don’t anticipate dating any time in the near or even distant future. I enjoy my independence and I enjoy being able to focus my attention fully on the children. I have no issue anymore if Steve wanted to date and the children I suspect he probably is. As long as he always puts the children first and doesn’t expect anybody to replace me, then he can do what he likes.
It’s taken me a long time to get to this stage. Some would say far too long. But we will heal in our own time.