I’m feeling in a stronger space then I was when I wrote my last blog entry. I’m beginning to understand that my healing ebbs and flows like a river. Even my grief over the marriage seems to cycle. I take these as a good sign that instead of being permanently down, I’m just experiencing a cacophony of emotions/feelings; none of which lasts very long.
I’ve also reconnected with friends and the things my counsellor is teaching me, is providing me with a better sense of perspective.
Last night in fact, I was out at a comedy festival. I was extremely anxious about heading for a night out in the city. We had dinner first and I found the thought was more scary then the actual event. I relaxed and had a really good night. Seeing my friends has reminded me that a, I’m not alone and b, I’m an individual – not just a mother and ex wife. It gives me further opportunity to expand on what I’m learning about myself and receive encouraging feedback from friends.
I continue with the gym – although my physical appearance doesn’t seem to be changing as I’d like. I’ve arranged to catch up with my personal trainer on Friday to make sure I’m doing things right and to improve on my circuit.
I’m also applying for work again! I’ve really appreciated this time to heal and reflect and take things at my own pace. But I hate struggling financially all the time, and I feel I need more of a sense of purpose. With the right job for the right company I feel I can further develop myself and learn and integrate with other people. Sure I’m anxious about it and I doubt myself and my capabilities but I can’t let anxiety rule my life. I am a capable person – I just need some practice!
There was another show I wanted to see in the city but quickly dismissed it assuming no one would be interested or come with me. I finally got the guts to reach out and see if there was any interest. Two friends readily agreed and the tickets are booked and paid for! I think this is the first thing I’ve instigated for a long time. I tend to wait for people to come to me. And that’s not really fair on a friendship.
Steve’s parents coming down kind of forced me to spend some time home alone (aside from gym visits), and as opposed to feeling depressed or ruminating over any perceived trouble, I actually relaxed and appreciated the time. I got some wine, rented some dvds and rediscovered my sense of being alone as opposed to being lonely.
Im attending group therapy on Sunday and this is a reminder that I still have a road to travel and historic issues to confront. But for the most part, I’m ok with that. It’s just another opportunity to reflect on where I’m at and connect with other people.