So, today. Well, last night there was a dreadful storm in Wellington. Although its Spring, it’s not unusual to get crazy weather this time of year. Some parts of NZ snowed, some were flooded, most were bashed by the rain. We fared well in our suburb. It was noisy, but no power cuts or damage – thank god. I had C (my eldest), J Bug middle girl and H, my boy. S’s parents are in Wellington, so I’m effectively banned from the house. I wanted to keep my boy with me but the girls also wanted to avoid his parents, hence the numbers at my place. It was nice actually. I felt sorry for Egg who is with her Dad, but it was her birthday recently so she was bound to get spoilt. That’s their formula for love and affection you see, they buy it.
Well, today I awoke and I felt low. Dragging my heels low. Frankly I could have not got up, but I had to take the kids to school. I couldn’t face dropping my son off, so I had my daughter walk him into kindy. It was both his emotional state and my own concerns about facing people.
Once alone, I had organised to meet a personal trainer. There were going to be a few women there (it was women only). I had arranged it earlier in the week and as it was locked as an appointment in my phone I didn’t think about it. Last night she emailed me and I confidently told her I’d be there. But come this morning, I didn’t want to go. I felt anxious and I felt stupid. I felt like I was going to be the only fat person there and I felt like I was going to make a fool of myself. I felt very tired and didn’t want to move. Urg, I just didn’t want to go. But I went. And then I couldn’t find the place, so I wasn’t going to go. But I figured one quick drive along a road, and if it wasn’t there, then well, I had tried. It turned out to be there, but then I couldn’t find the way in. Oh well, time to call it a day, wasn’t meant to be, blah blah. It was hailing heavily, it was bitterly cold, there were deep puddles everywhere and now I was late. But I figured one chance to find a way in, then I’d give up. I tried. As it happened, I found the way in. The women stood talking, looking like they knew each other. All of them slim, all of them happy. Then was dumpy old me. The late one. God, I could have turned around and walked out of there so easily. I even started thinking of excuses in my head. Sick child? Appointment? Even while I was being introduced to the 3 women by the trainer , I was making up the reasons in my head.
She set us up with a circuit. Oh great, im going to trip over, or be huffing and puffing and look stupid, or hurt myself. Everyone would be looking at me. Whispering. Why did I even want to do this? I don’t want to do this, blah blah. The hour will go so slowly. I spent to be fair, the first half hour moaning to myself and hating myself. The second part I guess I got into it. After, I felt great. I was so glad I’d stuck at it. And afterwards I spoke to the trainer and this other woman who had some serious self doubts as she’d lost a lot of weight and then subsequently more weight on – not with this PT of course! I felt relieved I’d stuck the hour, and my body ached from being used. I had a protein shake at home and then took the dog for a walk in the freezing hail. Not very long, but it felt good to be out despite the weather and the dog appreciated it.
After I drop the kids off tomorrow, I’ll head to the pool – I hope! I see the PT 2x per week.
This afternoon I’m feeling very tired. admittedly its nice to the have fire roaring and the storm is lashing the house, but I’m cozy and my kids are here just sat around the fire, reading or playing games.
I’m still taking each day as it comes and I know some days will be easier than others. Right now I just feel like I need to sleep and as I’ve identified before, not having a break makes it a little harder for me. The kids can be pretty full on, and I’ve not even attempted uni yet, which makes me feel bad.
Its annoying that S’s parents will be here for a few days – if I ever needed confirmation that S and I are separated, aside from him being an asshole most of the time, its his families involvement. They’ve gone from 0 to involved all at the flick of splashing their cash.
Ah well, my kids aren’t stupid, they’ll know what they’re like themselves the more they get to know them. My eldest daughter is already fed up with them trying to buy her.
Life continues to plod along. Can I start to feel better now???