The update

Well I’ve decided to update my blog now – being as my bloody car has broken down at the hospital! And it’s a really cold wet day too.

The call was pretty intense, a lot to process, but she was really nice and although I’m shocked and saddened by what I learnt on the call, I’m glad it’s over. I don’t want to write too much because it’s still something I need to work through.

The results are in. Firstly the MRI showed a few too many ‘white spots’ apparently you get one for every year, but I’ve got more. I need another MRI in one year to check the growth. It’s indicative of MS.

He didn’t diagnose epilepsy because he said my first incident (I call it fainting) can’t be proven as a seizure because no one saw it and I don’t remember anything. But he said the symptoms I experienced were more in line with a seizure then fainting. I’m glad it’s not confirmed. Two seizures is a diagnosis of epilepsy. He’s put me on anti seizure medication which doubles as a migraine prevention medication – yay! He said he thinks the fact I was on the treadmill was coincidental, not the cause. And I’m booked for an EEG which will take at least 2 months and won’t really confirm anything because I’ll be on medication by then. And I see him again in 2 months to check in.

So that’s my day so far. I’m supposed to have therapy today, which I really need, but it depends if my car can be sorted.

I’m exhausted and cold, but so pleased it’s all over

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The email

To my counsellor

The MRI was as panic inducing as I expected. In fact I anticipated a seizure as a result of the huge stress on my body. Had it not been for  a friend holding my hand – I couldn’t have done it. The hole was so small and the noise just terrifying. But I am relieved it’s done. I’m also relieved that I didn’t have a seizure – this is surely a positive sign?

I heard on Friday night that the cop in England was found guilty. He will have a record and be unable to work for any police force, corrections, security type roles.

I’m still struggling with it. The guilty thing was decided which indicates he was in the wrong and I feel vindicated. Yet another part of me thinks that he is so less worse then the rapist. He was only ever nice to me – even when he was commanding. He manipulated me in such a way that he made me feel safe, even when he made me feel ashamed and dirty. How can that be? I hoped that Steve might see the ‘affair’ in a different light, that is, there was no black and white. But he has moved on/no longer cares. This outcome is something you and I need to discuss in more detail. Also, the investigating officer is calling me on Tuesday night to explain in detail what it all means and in her words ‘to ensure I have good support in place.’

It’s certainly been a roller coaster of emotions. The betrayal of good friends, the stress of the MRI, the results of the investigation and also learning that Steve is not and cannot be my ‘go to person’

Yet I still learn nothing. Today (Saturday) I longed for my family, for my role as mother and yes I admit I longed for a partner to bear part of my burden. I didn’t consider my fragile emotional/mental state. Instead ploughing on with my expectations.

My eldest C had horse riding and my other children wanted to go roller skating. I was happy to take C and then meet Steve and the kids at roller skating. I longed for the ‘normal’ family outing. Instead the complete opposite happened – as I’m sure you could have predicted. C fell off her horse, once I knew she wasn’t hurt I began a tirade of vitriol towards the horse she was on. My daughter was upset by my comments. She told me I ruined good things for her and that’s why she didn’t like me taking her horse riding. What could I say to that? I have let my own daughter down with my anger.

I was angry because I was scared for her. I couldn’t catch her, I couldn’t save her, so instead I placed all of my powerlessness at the horse. Plus the fact the damn horse did cause my daughter to fall!

So we drove on to roller skating. Her, refusing to talk to me. When we arrived H wanted to skate but my fears clawed at me straight away, the roller skates weren’t made especially for young children, there was no helmet, no pads! My little boy would be vulnerable. I think by this stage Steve saw me as a total nuisance.

I wasn’t needed. I was just a taxi, this was Steve’s show and I was encroaching. I didn’t belong.

Why did I have these ridiculous expectations? Why can’t I learn? This is not my family anymore. We’re not a unit. I am mother on my time, nothing more.

My friend S has continually been by my side, trying to keep me focussed on reality – I cannot appreciate her enough.

I left the skating ring. I didn’t want to physically turn away from my children, but I realised that this wasn’t my place. They had Steve and he was more than enough.

I got some wine and lie miserably on my couch. Images of England and what happened barking at my heels, my hidden fears about my health, the sense of loneliness and the pain. Reality fucking hurts.

The positive things to come out of this is that as we discussed I have taken some control over my death (if that was happen). I sat and wrote everything out. My wishes, the practical aspects, access codes. I saved it as a draft email. I won’t send until I’ve completed my letters to the children. But I know I have at least made things easier and there is less to worry about. In doing this I realised all of my outgoings, so I’ve had to face up to this and make some serious changes.

The week about starts next week as Steve isn’t travelling. I’m deeply saddened that it’s come to this. I grieve again for the home I’ve lost and the sense of partnership I imagined for myself. But I realise I can’t emotionally sever ties until I start removing myself from ties.

Tonight I feel a sense of relief that the week is all but over. I’m so grateful to the friends I’ve come to realise are true and can reach out too. But I’m so sad, so lonely and so fed up with myself (more than Steve is – which is saying something!).

I felt so much lighter after our last session and wanted to get down everything that’s happened to make some sense of it. To fill you in and get your much appreciated feedback.

If I don’t hear from you tonight (and that’s ok!) I’ll see you tomorrow,

Much love

Had the MRI

I’ve had the MRI. It was bloody awful. The hole was tiny and I could reach up and touch the top. I felt squished inside. And I had a bloody cage thing over my head. It was hard not to get into a panic attack, but my friend was able to sit in with me and she held my hand. Without her, I couldn’t have done it. I cried, I panicked and the headphones didn’t drown out the horrible noise.

Interestingly though, my body was under huge stress but I didn’t have a seizure. I really thought I might. My heart rate was extremely high while I just sat and waited, it would have shot up during that experience. I hope this is a very good sign.

The drive home took hours because it’s a long weekend and there was a crash. I just wanted to get home! Even to this horrible place I call home.

I’m going to watch a movie and then have an early night.

Anything else can wait.

Therapy

One of my friend’s messaged me, she asked how I was, I told her about the MRI and how scared I was – and she immediately offered to come with me. Even though it’s a different town. I’m so happy and appreciative of this. I didn’t expect anyone to drop anything and come rushing to my side, but I did expect friends to message me and ask how I was. I’m often seen as the ‘strong’ person, I’m assertive and usually very confident. But right now, I’m scared. I’m scared, vulnerable and feel very alone. I don’t trust my body, I feel so tired and sad.

Last night I barely slept, I was so scared that I was going to die in my sleep. I’m worried for my children, that would scar them for life. I’m probably being overly dramatic, but I just don’t know anything anymore. I’m ashamed to admit to being vulnerable. And I’m facing my fear head on. Crying when I need too, and speaking out loud about it.

Today I sat with my counsellor and let everything tumble out. My disappointment at the lack of support, my pain over Steve not giving a damn and my fears about the loss of control over my own body. I think this is one of the few sessions where I let my emotions rule. Usually I intellectualise everything in a bid to avoid the hard stuff. But I’m way past that now. It’s actually very freeing to say and feel whatever floats to the surface.

I’ve had a couple of jobs from applications ages ago come through and offer an interview. I’m still going for those. I can’t put my life on hold while I wait for test results. I need something else to focus on. I had all these plans, to get a job I loved, to eventually change my house and get a new car. I wanted to be living and succeeding. I was also using the gym to lose weight and get fit. But after the seizure, it felt like everything was slipping out of my hands. My body betrayed me. And then no one helped to pick up the pieces.

It feels like it’s one battle after another. I’m growing tired and disheartened.

I just want this MRI to be over and then to be told there’s nothing wrong with me, it was just a blip. A fall out from pushing so hard to get a job and pushing myself at the gym. Then I can find a healthy balance and take it as a warning.

But I feel valued by two of my very good friends, my therapist has offered support out of hours and then of course my CPN offered to come with me. I guess I’m not such a bad person.

Gym

Yesterday is going down in history as a REALLY bad day! I’ve had some bad days, but this really took the biscuit. I was at the gym, on the treadmill almost finishing my stint on it, when next minute I’m lying on the floor in the recovery position not knowing what the hell was going on. I found out later in hospital (an ambulance was called) that I hit the floor and had a violent seizure for 30 seconds, then spoke absolute gibberish for 5 minutes. There were two lovely gym members being really gentle with me, luckily it was at a time when it was staffed, and luckily for me I didn’t seriously injure myself.

The hospital ran some tests, nothing obvious was highlighted. But I’ve been referred to a neurologist. I have to wait for the phone call. Luckily the hospital let me go, there’s no way I was sleeping in there. I had to get Steve to pick me up and take me back to the gym where my car was. I have to say, being alone and not having someone there to support and care for me felt like a kick in the guts. I only asked the gym to call Steve because I was supposed to be collecting the kids. If he had planned to do it, I wouldn’t have had them call him. I know he doesn’t care or want to be involved. I miss that terribly.

I did message some friends though and got some incredible support. I wouldn’t usually reach out like that, but I did feel so alone. And being home alone after such a traumatic day felt miserable.

This morning I woke with a shocking migraine. I’ve not had one for a while. I had to go and get some super expensive migraine medication, but it was the only one that’d get rid of it. And I’m on kid duty this afternoon.

Aside from my gym event, a lot of other stuff has been going on. We had H (6) assessed because we were worried that he wasn’t progressing academically. Turns out he’s monumentally behind his targets. It seems he might have a learning disability. I’ve seen his school principal to find out how the hell this has gone unnoticed and what they can do to support him in class. I’ve also arranged for him to see the GP because he’s so tired all the time. Just to eliminate any underlying health issues. I am really worried about my boy and feel terrible that it’s gone on this long.

I’ve had more interviews and more rejections, although the feedback from my interviews has been good, I just miss out.

It’s been affecting my confidence, it’s been hitting my finances because of the petrol I have to keep buying and the parking I keep paying for. And I’ve been feeling a bit run down. It’s stressful doing loads of interviews. I saw Ian, my CPN and he reassured me that anyone would feel tired and depressed from the interviewing and I’m on kid duty after school so the days have been long and trying. We both agreed I should take a week break and then get back into it again.

I have been catching up with friends at the weekends and it’s been really nice to have more of a social life. I’m trying not to isolate myself again.

I’m feel a bit fragile emotionally and physically. I’ll be glad to get some answers about this seizure and know how I can avoid it happening again. It’s really made me feel anxious about going back to the gym, but I’ll make it. I’ll just take it easy.

I’m doing a lot of work in counselling, I feel really committed to the process. I’m ready to really explore things and work through things.