Job and stuff

I think it’s really interesting that Steve mentioned I used to say all the time, I never really enjoyed that, after everything I ever did. I had lost all pleasure in everything in my every day life. I hardly remember that period at all but it seems familiar.

It’s interesting to me because I have spent the last few years being extremely sad. I have struggled with the marriage break up and all the subsequent difficulties I’ve faced alone. My mental health has been unstable and I’ve probably spent more time crying than I have at any other time in my life. But I have to say that I’ve really learnt to embrace the crying. I don’t see it as a weakness or question my sanity. I see it as a release and I just let go. It’s actually very freeing. In amongst all the grief and sadness there are many things I have learnt to appreciate and therefore enjoy. Simple things. It can be anything from a good cup of a coffee, to something one of the kids say, to driving my really cute car to something one of my good friends say. I guess when I think I’m going backwards it takes a simple comment like that to realise that’s not the case at all.

In terms of the job, I’m sticking at it. Some days are better than others. There’s been some really interesting cases, so if I focus on the clients it ignites real passion in me, I just want the freedom to get stuck in. The team seem a little bit warmer to me. Maybe it’s a time thing? I guess because I’m so open and tend to accept people, I expect everyone to do the same, so I’m bitterly disappointed when they don’t. That’s my problem really and not anyone else’s fault.

I’ve interviewed a nanny to take Harry to his tutoring on Tuesday and Thursday as I’m not going to be available. It really was a bittersweet experience. She’s lovely and I am glad to be working, but I’ve really enjoyed being such a big part of my son’s routine. I’m going to miss that a lot. I do love my boy so much.

I’ve had the kids the last few days, but now they’re off to Napier with the grandparents for the week – it’s school holidays. I’ll miss them so much. I’ll make the most of Steve’s empty house though by doing my washing and using the spa pool ūüėĄ

I’ve got this horrible ear infection which I’m starting to think will never go away. I’m completely deaf in my left ear. I’ve been on two different antibiotics. Now I’m on ear drops. It’s really frustrating. When there’s background noise I can hardly hear and I’m constantly shouting which I know is annoying everyone.

My mood is a little unstable, slightly more than usual – it’s the antibiotics. It interacts with my medication. I swing a little between my usual (crying) and then feeling extremely irritable and confrontational. I’m aware of it, fortunately it should only be temporary. I see my psychiatrist every 2 weeks at the moment and I’ve been seeing my CPN pretty much every week but he’s been on leave. I realise starting a new job is also a huge stressor, and I’m really keen to stay on top of mental health. I want to keep communication open and try to stop anything before it spirals out of control, which is easier said than done. I’m extremely stressed about my finances. My job pays pretty much the same as being on welfare, and of course by not being on welfare there’s a lot of things I don’t get discounted anymore so I’m very concerned. You can sort of see why some people can’t see the point of working. Especially when you consider tax deductions and student loan debts and child support, etc. But I’ve talked to Steve about that. I’ve gotten really good at budgeting, but I’m still lousy at understand taxes and what my entitlements are, whereas that’s his strength so I’m hoping he’ll be able to support me in terms of his knowledge.

I have a lot going on, but I’m managing. I’m taking each day as it comes. I’m finding it better to acknowledge each anxiety as it rears up as opposed to try and push it away. I’ve even kept lists of things that really trouble me and it’s amazing to be able to look at those lists a few months later and see most, if not all of the things cleared.

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Good things!

So my parents left today, but I saw them last night. It was still emotional even though things have been rocky here. Luckily it won’t affect the kids. But I’m still indebted from my time in England.

In other news, I’m LOVING my job training! I’m feeling very positive about that. Although it’s been a shock to the system! I’m knackered!

I‚Äôm LOVING my home. It‚Äôs all in place, and feels like home. Of course I miss the house I had with Steve – it was our ‚Äėdream‚Äô house after all. But I have to remind myself it‚Äôs just bricks and mortar at the end of the day (technically aluminium!).

The kids are with Steve‚Äôs parents in Napier, which is great for them, my children deserve to be spoilt and I have neither the money nor time at the moment. My eldest is here at the house, she‚Äôs just living on her laptop talking to school friends! 

So at the moment, contentment resides. I honestly NEVER imagined getting to this point. I seriously thought my life was on a continually bad plateau and that perhaps I‚Äôd been the worst person in a former life! My mental health does concern me, but I‚Äôm doing the only thing I can do, take my medication, get sleep and wait until the psychiatrist comes back from holiday. I‚Äôm terrified of plummeting, but I‚Äôm hoping the job satisfaction and feeling of having a ‚ÄėHome‚Äô keeps me balanced.

Oh, and I can use the 24 hour police gym!!! So I save on membership and can actually start trying to get healthy again!

Change?

Some strange things have happened since I mentioned how much bad luck I’ve been having at the start of the year what with a broken hand, looking at a fairly scungey apartment and not being able to find any work.

Most people would take this change in circumstances and see it as a positive thing where as I’m now even more full of self-doubt because I wonder if there’s  going to be a downfall from having some good luck!

So what’s been happening that’s given me this profound sense of undeserving luck?

Well firstly there was a property that I had enquired about in a beautiful village where we used to own a property and that I love very much.  I spoke with the homeowner at length on the phone about his current tenants and he wasn’t sure when they’re going to be moving out so he said he would speak to them and get back to me. He did get back to me and told me that the tenants have decided to stay so the property was no longer available to rent. This was another one of the reasons I decided to opt for the apartment because on the rare chance I see a property  I like I end up missing out either because I’m simply not chosen or other circumstances out of my control.

A few days ago he called me to tell me that the tenants have changed their minds again and were going to move out. He said because of my previous interest he would give me first refusal. I had already put down the deposit on the apartment but this house has a real draw for me so I said I was definitely interested and went about the application process.

Probably an hour later I received another call I missed it and it went to voicemail it was somebody saying he’d seen my CV on a job site and wanted to speak to me about this position he thought I was suitable for.  While I was on the phone to him call waiting was going and unbelievably I had a message from a company which I applied for a job with a few months ago and they were calling to organise a time to interview with me.

All this came off the back of me  saying to S that I was going to give up househunting and jobhunting for a while as the rejection was just getting too much for me.

I received confirmation that I was accepted for the house. It’s a small cottage in this lovely wine region in New Zealand and I’m really looking forward to moving in; unbelievably again the start time is the exact same time as the end date of my tenancy here.

Today I met the recruitment consultant that headhunted me for a role and he is going to put me forward for that so I will interview again next week sometime. I’m having an interview tomorrow with the guy of the company directly for the job that I’ve applied for a few months ago.

Unfortunately in terms of self confidence I am actually feeling really low because of these medications I’m taking I’ve  put on so much weight and I feel really uncomfortable in my suit and I’m conscious that people will be looking at me thinking that I’m just this fat frumpy old woman. I feel behind my game and that I will really have to work hard to try to impress people to get them to see pass my fatness.

I have heard from the hospital and next week I have an appointment with the plastics departments because apparently they’re the only ones that can help with the strange bone of mine broken in my hand.

So I’m joining the realms of the normal people with the house waiting for me next weekend and jobs lined up that I have stopped applying for a long time ago. It’s really tiring returning back to this facade of the person that i  used to be but I don’t really know who I am anymore. Because of feeling so self-conscious because of all the medications I take because I am under the care of the community mental health team because I’m not really normal and yet I’m facing these people and getting on.

I have to say each day is exhausting and I’m almost waiting for something horrible to happen to me to make up for the good things that are happening I’m not sure if that’s the way I think or if it’s the illness making me feel this way. I do believe that what is meant to be will be. So if one of these jobs comes through then perhaps I really am ready to join full time employment and it certainly would be good to have my financial independence and have some semblance of normal adult life.

Of course there is some excitement about these new prospects don’t get me wrong but I’m still not in a place right now where I can really feel fully excited without the sense of impending doom.

It’s interesting that I’ve lost my sense of self. I don’t know if that’s a combination of the separation, of having a mental illness, of going through different things in my life or if it’s just the time in my life where this happens where I undergo some sort of mental change in a later stage in my life.

Whatever it is I hope that I will really start to feel comfortable again in my own skin and get to know who I am again and get to know what I like and start to live without this fear on the back of my shoulders all the time and without the internal painful monologue I torture myself with on a daily basis.

Sweethearts and sickness

Its my high school sweet heart’s birthday today. ¬†We’re Facebook friends. ¬†We don’t talk to each other, just the odd ‘like’ on comments. ¬†Way back when, everyone thought him and I would marry. ¬†We ‘dated’ as you do in school, often split up and then made our way back to each other. ¬†We were odd bods, which seemed to intrinsically link us. ¬†Where others saw him as frankly a bit crazy (a candidate for manic depression), I understood his ebbs and flows. ¬†His moods, and his little routines. ¬†And I think in that, he felt safe to be himself with me. ¬†Although he often chased the girls that were known for giving a bit more in the relationship physically, so to speak, he would often seek a respite with me. ¬†Perhaps that’s because I was pretty damn crazy myself! – And as for the all of the politically incorrect statements I’m throwing around, I’m referring to our time in school. ¬†Back then, labels weren’t applied, just observations. ¬†He wasn’t my first kiss, that was DL. A local boy who went to the same first school and then secondary school as me. ¬†I did think I was in love with him at the time. ¬†I remember him dancing with Samantha at a school disco to the Bangles and I cried like a baby in my heart-break. ¬†DL was also a larger than life character, he dabbled in some professional acting, and I believe does some acting now. ¬†But DL and the first love that I refer to, AB, didn’t get along. ¬†Perhaps their ego’s were too big for each other.

DL and I kissed in a cupboard for chairs one summer afternoon in a local village hall. ¬†I was so terrified, but so excited. ¬†We were dared to kiss. ¬†When the kiss happened it felt so forced, I didn’t feel all ‘floaty’ as I would have expected. ¬†I suspect he had kissed a lot of times before me. ¬†I was 13. ¬†I still picture it perfectly. ¬†The room, the chairs, the lingering dust, the warmth of a summer’s afternoon, the other kids daring us. ¬†It makes me smile. ¬†Of all of the boys, DL was a great person to share that moment with. ¬†A cherished fragment in a young life.

I never gave any thought to my first time sexually. ¬†It wasn’t something people talked about. ¬†Even AB chasing the other girls hadn’t considered sex, just even a look or a touch! – that’s his words!

Perhaps in a different world, AB would have been my first time. ¬†Beneath his boyish humour and manic¬†ticks, he was sweet and gentle. ¬†We took¬†many walks around the fields near his house, and not once in all of those times did he try anything. ¬†I always managed to feel safe around him. ¬†Even when he kissed me it never felt like a promise. ¬†Perhaps we were never meant to be more than a dance of what could have been. ¬†Certainly I have no doubt if we had have ended up together, it wouldn’t have lasted. ¬†We both share the same moods and egos. ¬†Both too passionate about our stances to back down. ¬†We would have come to hate each other. ¬†Both of us need someone calm, consistent and patient to counter our imbalance.

But life would have been better had I have chosen the person.  If it was planned.  And not necessarily even like in the movies, with the roses, candles and bed made by the fire.

This morning¬†I went constantly into panic attacks. ¬†My son was sleeping soundly in the bed, so I had to go into the bathroom and try to get a grip. ¬†Then I got back into bed, drifted off to sleep and the same thing happened. ¬†I don’t know what triggered me. ¬†I guess a dream I had. ¬†But clearly a lie in this morning wasn’t going to happen.

Already triggered, I decided to unblock HIM [the rapist] on Facebook and look at his profile. ¬†See if anything significant in his life had happened, make sure we didn’t have any friends linked. ¬†I wouldn’t usually do this, S has always done periodic checks for me, but it’s not his place anymore. ¬†I need to bite the bullet. ¬†Of course with Facebook settings as they are, I couldn’t see much. ¬†Seeing his photos and I felt an odd shut down. ¬†In my mind his image is set to back then. ¬†His mouth, eyes, his demeanour is still clear in my head. ¬†So the photos are hard to place. ¬†I didn’t look for long, I didn’t want the revised image burned into my retinas. ¬†I didn’t want any image to cause me distress. ¬†So I didn’t find anything of interest. ¬†Unfortunately now with Facebook I have to wait 48 hours to block him again. ¬†So I live in fear of him seeking me out, I’m counting down those hours.

Seeing AB’s birthday was a reminder though of some of the better times in my young life. ¬†Some of the possibilities that could have been. ¬†But of course I feel sad, painfully sad for the loss of having a special memory for my first time.

S has decided to extend his stay in Auckland for another week. ¬†So I’m up at the house. ¬†I don’t have time to process any thoughts or feelings, and fighting this mood is difficult as I’m on call all the time. ¬†S has also not left much in the way of funds, which is really stressful for me. ¬†I had arranged for a babysitter to come on Sunday for a couple of hours so I could enjoy the women’s only swim, but I’ve had to cancel that, I can’t afford the babysitter. ¬†I’m a bit annoyed that the one thing I enjoy I can’t do.

 

 

Still working it out!

My work out today sucked. I had been feeling so inspired, so motivated that I was taking steps to improve my fitness. Although hard some days to get motivated, I have quickly enjoyed feeling the activity and I especially enjoy the endorphins. The sense of purpose for that hour I’m training. But today I struggled to get up, dropping off the kids at school felt like a huge hurdle. So I knew my training session was probably going to be hard. Facing people, talking, the physical stress. I could have just not gone, so easily I could have slipped home to bed. I made up excuses in my head, reasons to justify missing the morning. But I went. I never got the feeling of being in ‘the zone,’ nothing felt right. My body felt like it was made of lead, uncompromising, heavy, clumsy. I felt constantly tired. Talking to my trainer was hard, I didn’t even want to face her. 

But I did my hour and I’m glad I did. Although it wasn’t very good and my body worked against me, I hope the next session won’t be as hard.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist afterwards. I told her I was fighting the low and I was getting better on the whole but some days just really tested me. Plus I felt tired and nausea, I wasn’t sure what was causing what. She thought the tiredness was mood and meds, same with nausea. Both should improve.

After that I bought a Subway salad and came home to rest. 

It’s a beautiful Spring day today. But I’m not in the mood to enjoy it. I really do just want to sleep now.

The kids are being awesome, I’m enjoying being up here in the peace and running things while S is away.

I know there’ll be good and bad days, but when the bad days come, they’re really tough.

Really struggling with concentration. I think I’ll go and sleep now.

Working out

So, today. ¬†Well, last night there was a dreadful storm in Wellington. ¬†Although its Spring, it’s not¬†unusual to get crazy weather this time of year. ¬†Some parts of NZ snowed, some were flooded, most were bashed by the rain. ¬†We fared well in our suburb. ¬†It was noisy, but no power cuts or damage – thank god. ¬†I had C (my eldest), J Bug middle girl and H, my boy. ¬†S’s parents are in Wellington, so I’m effectively banned from the house. ¬†I wanted to keep my boy with me but the girls also wanted to avoid his parents, hence the numbers at my place. ¬†It was nice actually. I felt sorry for Egg who is with her Dad, but it was her birthday recently so she was bound to get spoilt. ¬†That’s¬†their formula for love and affection you see, they buy it.

Well, today I awoke and I felt low. ¬†Dragging my heels low. ¬†Frankly I could have not got up, but I had to take the kids to school. ¬†I couldn’t face dropping my son off, so I had my daughter walk him into kindy. ¬†It was both his emotional state and my own concerns about facing people.

Once alone, I had organised to meet a personal trainer. ¬†There were going to be a few women there (it was women only). ¬†I had arranged it earlier in the week and as it was locked as an appointment in my phone I didn’t think about it. ¬†Last night she emailed me and I confidently told her I’d be there. ¬†But come this morning, I didn’t want to go. ¬†I felt anxious and I felt stupid. ¬†I felt like I was going to be the only fat person there and I felt like I was going to make a fool of myself. ¬†I felt very tired and didn’t want to move. ¬†Urg, I just didn’t want to go. ¬†But I went. ¬†And then I couldn’t find the place, so I wasn’t going to go. ¬†But I figured one quick drive along a road, and if it wasn’t there, then well, I had¬†tried. ¬†It turned out to be there, but then I couldn’t find the way in. ¬†Oh well, time to call it a day, wasn’t meant to be, blah blah. ¬†It was hailing heavily, it was bitterly cold, there were deep puddles everywhere and now I was late. ¬†But I figured one chance to find a way in, then I’d give up. ¬†I tried.¬†As it happened, I found the way in. ¬†The women stood talking, looking like they knew each other. ¬†All of them slim, all of them happy. ¬†Then was dumpy old me. ¬†The late one. ¬†God, I could have turned around and walked out of there so easily. ¬†I even started thinking of excuses in my head. ¬†Sick child? ¬†Appointment? ¬†Even while I was being introduced to the 3 women by the trainer , I was making up the reasons in my head.

She set us up with a circuit. ¬†Oh great, im going to trip over, or be huffing and puffing and look stupid, or hurt myself. ¬†Everyone would be looking at me. ¬†Whispering. ¬†Why did I even want to do this? ¬†I don’t want to do this, blah blah. ¬†The hour will go so slowly. ¬†I spent to be fair, the first half hour moaning to myself and hating myself. ¬†The second part I guess I got into it. ¬†After, I felt great. ¬†I was so glad I’d stuck at it. ¬†And afterwards I spoke to the trainer and this other woman who had some serious self doubts as she’d lost a lot of weight and then subsequently more weight on – not with this PT of course! ¬†I felt relieved I’d stuck the hour, and my body ached from being used. ¬†I had a protein shake at home and then took the dog for a walk in the freezing hail. ¬†Not very long, but it felt good to be out despite the weather and the dog appreciated it.

After I drop the kids off tomorrow, I’ll head to the pool – I hope! ¬†I see the PT 2x per week.

This afternoon I’m feeling very tired. ¬†admittedly its nice to the have fire roaring and the storm is lashing the house, but I’m cozy and my kids are here just sat around the fire, reading or playing games.

I’m still taking each day as it comes and I know some days will be easier than others. ¬†Right now I just feel like I need to sleep and as I’ve identified¬†before, not having a break makes it a little harder for me. ¬†The kids can be pretty full on, and I’ve not even attempted uni yet, which makes me feel bad.

Its annoying that S’s parents will be here for a few days – if I ever needed confirmation that S and I are separated, aside from him being an asshole most of the time, its his families involvement. ¬†They’ve gone from 0 to involved all at the flick of splashing their cash.

Ah well, my kids aren’t stupid, they’ll know what they’re like themselves the more they get to know them. ¬†My eldest daughter is already fed up with them trying to buy her.

Life continues to plod along.  Can I start to feel better now???

Trigger. Unhappy.

Of course I should have known how this evening would end. ¬†I should have known it the minute I identified my mood was dropping after getting so tired and knowing there wouldn’t be any rest time.

We were up at the house, the kids were being great.  It was a lovely evening with them. They went to bed really well, and I felt nicely relaxed.  However, my mistake was not taking the opportunity and going to bed when I could.  Instead I stayed up watching tv, waiting for S to get back.  Old habits die-hard.

I watched one programme and there was a sexual assault. ¬†Nothing, NOTHING was shown, it was just implied. ¬†I wasn’t triggered by that. ¬†However, the way the perpetrator looked at his victim with such disgust, anger and hatred afterwards me ¬†– shook me to the very core. He looked at her with such repulsion, as though she was shit on his shoe. ¬†I have seen that very look after the brutal intimacy forced on me. ¬†I guess that was very much a piece I hadn’t really processed or considered in any depth. ¬†The way I was made to feel afterwards. ¬†Like it was my fault, any shame I didn’t already feel was imprinted on me forever more. ¬†i felt that shame in that moment, revisited. ¬†My blood felt icy cold in my veins, my heart seemed to struggle to beat to an increased tempo. ¬†I was both lying on the couch in the living room and back then. ¬†I was both in the moment receiving the look, and watching myself. ¬†I felt such a deep despair that even the tears couldn’t release. ¬†I had the incredible urge to hide behind a pillow, curl up in the foetal position, anything, ANYTHING to stop the hurt and the replay searing into my soul. ¬†Should I shower? ¬†Should I scream? ¬†How could I possibly placate this painful mourning. ¬†I flicked the tv to something else, I busied myself with mundane tasks, laundry, trying to find an old necklace, messing around with a make up case.

I suppose I did manage to ride this wave, but clearly the damage was done. ¬†Emotions lay on the surface and the inability to think objectively was hindered. ¬†S got back an hour later. ¬†Fairly drunk, looking dishevelled. ¬†He said he had a good night. ¬†We talked about the kids. ¬†I talked about the plans for the week, who was staying where. ¬†So far, so good right? ¬†Until I asked him to look after the kids one evening because there was something I wanted to check out and he commented, ‘speed dating,’ I asked him why on earth he thought I would do that?? ¬†He said I always wanted to date?? ¬†I don’t know where that’s from, I don’t know what he thinks of me, but I can’t think of anyone worse right now. ¬†Furthermore, is this the rapport now? ¬†Swapping dating stories?? ¬†No, I am still hurt from this separation. ¬†This is the man I’ve spent over a decade with, had children with, why on earth would I want to flippantly discuss dating? ¬†Maybe he feels cavalier about that subject. ¬†Maybe he is dating. ¬†But I wouldn’t want to know. ¬†I didn’t understand why he was trying to hurt me. ¬†Or maybe I was already too upset from earlier. ¬†I lost all impartiality. ¬†I tried to ask why, why would you say that? ¬†Is that really what you think? ¬†He clearly wasn’t in the mood to talk and proceeded to turn off all the lights. ¬†I went into the room with the mattress and tearfully went about taking my nightly meds. ¬†My son was up, and wanted to sleep with his Dad. ¬†But he sent him into me. ¬†A single mattress on the floor just isn’t ideal. ¬†I’ve told S that before, but still he sent him in and I asked my boy to leave. ¬†He got upset, rejected, and perhaps because he knew I was emotional and he was tired and he started to cry, big fat drops of tears, and I felt like a bitch. ¬†And S just shut his bedroom door, no doubt to fall fast asleep in a drunken stupor. ¬†And I felt like my duty was done. ¬†Kids were cared for, laundry is done. ¬†And with no rest for myself I looked at my son and the mattress and said, no. ¬†We’re going to MY house.

My home is becoming my safe space.  I have it looking really bright and cheerful and homely.  My only issue is the bloody neighbours.  Here I sleep in my comfy big bed, in a spacious room with all of my things around.  And here my son can sleep quite happily next to me.

My kids love it here, despite the neighbours. ¬†And if I end up moving when the lease is over, I know I’ll make the next place my home. ¬†Because I put time and effort and care into my home. ¬†And its welcoming, and the kids know that.

But how can the house be my home? ¬†When S seems to think we’re frat brothers!

If he wants to go out drinking and dating, then good on him.  For me, I care about my children first, my wellbeing and trying to meet my personal objectives Рstudy and getting fit and healthy again.

As for this trigger this evening, I intend to think about it some more Рwhen my son is at school and grieve for the child turned into a woman before she was ready.  Because GOD DAMN IT, I deserve to acknowledge that.