I asked to go into respite again for a few nights. My mood has plummeted and I desperately need a medication review. I asked continually over Xmas but I kept being put aside. I fell into the ‘not ill enough’ bracket. Even though my psychiatrist was working over the Xmas period and my CPN told me to contact her if I needed a medication review. Oh the joy of the mental health service!
Managing my job has become impossible. It was hard already over Xmas, but with my mood so low and the searing dread about my bitch of a boss coming back soon, I was an anxious mess. So I’m on sick leave this week, next week I happen to have prearranged annual leave. I’ve also asked to work part time on my return.
I have heard some interesting news today, in the UK I was prescribed Effexor, which I found to be a really effective anti depressant. When I came back to NZ, it stopped working and I couldn’t understand it. So a medley of other anti depressants were prescribed. I’ve just found out that in NZ, Effexor isn’t subsidised by Pharmac, only a generic substitution is. Apparently this generic one is made of a different composition, and has been ineffective for a lot of people. This means I’ll have to pay more for a prescription but it’s worth it.
I can’t see my psychiatrist until January 22nd, so unfortunately she won’t prescribe until then. So I’m only on lamotrigine which is anti seizure after that one convulsion I had in the middle of last year.
I can intellectualise that my mood has dropped because of a chemical imbalance and that it’s temporary. Brought on by the pressures of the expectations of a new year and work. And it’s this that I’m trying to hold onto. But it’s extremely hard both psychologically and physically. I’m absolutely exhausted and totally demotivated. I’ve stopped running, I can barely look after my basic needs; showering, brushing my teeth, cooking, tidying up. I cry a lot, my anxiety is through the roof so I am often on the brink of panic attacks and my heart feels like it’s going to give up. I’m especially hyper vigilant, so at home I’ve felt like someone is trying to break in every night.
It’s so hard looking after the kids. I’m fighting it all the way, I took the kids to the beach on Saturday and swimming on Sunday – even though every muscle in my body didn’t want to move. Driving was hard because of concentration, I felt physically sick from the exertion and I struggled to not be miserable and snappy.
I’ve promised the kids I’ll take them camping next week, so I have to be better for that. I’m concentrating all of my efforts on getting ready for that, which is why I’m taking this week out. Although I still intend on seeing the kids at Steve’s, luckily he’s on leave this month. I miss them painfully, but I know I’m not in a position to have them stay at mine for now.
So here I am, back in respite. But I’ve chosen this before I became much worse. It’s funny actually because the guy that gave me the induction told me he didn’t think I belonged here. And you’d be hard pressed to tell. I’m actually in clean clothes, I’ve got a deep tan from being out, I maintain eye contact and hold conversations. Admittedly I’ve been in far worse states. But what he doesn’t know is that I’ve not showered, I only got dressed to come here, I’ve had terrible suicidal ideation and just from our conversation I was so exhausted I slept afterwards for two hours.
No one really knows what anyone is going through, and initial appearances can be deceiving.
I don’t see this stay as a fail into the new year. I see it as me creating (by advocating for myself) a safety net so that I can take some time out for myself to prevent becoming so unwell I’m virtually catatonic.