Bed

I’ve spent the day in bed. I’m in this horrible fog of missing my children terribly, grieving my marriage and feeling uncertain about my future. It’s all so over whelming so staying in bed seems like the easiest option. But I feel guilty because I know I should be doing more. It’s a cycle where I feel constantly miserable and can’t seem to find any solace.

I think my parents are struggling to understand this part of me. They’ve never seen how bad depression is and they probably think I’m being lazy and not even trying. I feel that way!

I’m not sure what the answers are. I’m not sure how to find any sort of peace. I should really catch up with some old friends, but I’m ashamed of what I’ve become.

My children miss me (although S has told me that they enjoy having his mother there) and I resent her for being in my place. Her place is unquestionably part of the family. Unlike me.

I just continue to feel really alone and I’m not sure anyone gets it. I keep remembering when S and I were here last time, so much pressure was on us. In retrospect I should have embraced my time in the UK, rather than seeing it as a punishment. I’ve made so many mistakes. Too many to begin to unravel.

Strangely the bad memories from my past aren’t playing a part. I’m still stuck in the recent past and present. Perhaps my brain has triggered a defence mechanism. Either way I’m grateful. I don’t need any of my past haunting me now.

So I’ve come all this way and inevitably depression has caught up with me and daily life is a struggle.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

More low?

So I wasn’t entirely forthcoming about something else on my blog, something I kept to myself. I saw my GP about reoccurring eczema on my breast and she referred me to a mammogram. I had that today and got the all clear. I didn’t want to write about it because I didn’t want anyone to know. Last night I hardly slept at all thinking about it. Not just the outcome but the test itself. Turns out the test wasn’t painful, it was quick and the woman was really friendly.

To be honest, I couldn’t have fought anything else. I’m on a losing streak with this depression. I can’t face the days, everything overwhelms me, everything is grey. 

Yesterday I had to pick the kids up early again because I had an appointment, this time with the benefits office. They won’t help with the ‘scungey’ flat, so I’m back to square one. I’m now officially homeless. Squatting at my ex husband’s. I honestly don’t think life can get much worse.

All of my crap is in storage, even clothes so I barely change. Goes with my barely showering. I’m a complete shambles.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I keep being rejected, smacked by the face and pushed down. 

Respite. Again.

I’m in respite again. I’m really disappointed that I have a room (the last one available) in the main office. Which is open 24/7, to both men and women that are unstable (like me!) or drug takers. The office worker has the tv on, heating up to the max, and the bathroom is a depressing and shameful walk through the office. As my door is unlocked (no locks) I don’t feel safe. And so my PTSD symptoms are playing havoc. I’m simultaneously depresssed and tired but hyper vigilant and panicked.

There will be constant noise and as those with PTSD will agree, it’s amplified and irritating on an irrational level.

I know I shouldn’t complain, we have a good system here and I’m more fortunate than most to be able to ask for help and anticipate the mental health service will provide for me. But there’s no mistaking that my situation is complex and I struggle to feel comfortable in most situations. Usually I can adapt, but there’s no room for that here.

The two alternatives were to be in my house alone – not good. Or stay at S’s. Which should have been fine (he offered) but the room has no door, as such I don’t tend to sleep well because I hear the kids! And they’re usually up early, so I didn’t anticipate much sleep. Not only that, but why should they all feel my presence like a dark, looming storm? I can’t pretend to be happy, I’m no company to be around. I can’t concentrate so reading and tv is out and again, the noise becomes grating. Especially after a week of full on care.

I’m breathing loudly and shallow, I feel my wolf hearing is on high alert and I wonder if the (male) office worker can hear me breathing. I just want to disappear into the walls. I want to be nothing and no one.

I feel grimy and unclean. I haven’t showered today or brushed my teeth and my clothes are marked. Clear signals that I’m becoming increasingly unstable. 

My case manager asked me today, how will you know you’re well? I’ll shower and dress without hesitation, brush my teeth, drive anywhere I want without fear, stop somewhere for a coffee, chat to my friends. There’s a myriad of such innocuous aspects to my life that are missing. To live freely and without the emotional and mental drain seems alien to me. 

Down, down, down

My memory is so bad I will have a phone conversation with somebody and then completely forget the conversation afterwards. I’ve already lost a person’s bank details three times, and I made an appointment to see my case manager tomorrow, and I’ve completely forgotten already what time the appointment was.

 I just feel completely drained and I can’t think straight about anything. My panic levels are really high so I feel breathless very quickly and I have pain in my chest with the anxiety it’s  just taking over my body. I can’t get past the tiredness; after I dropped the kids off at school I came back and fell into the deepest sleep for a few hours. I see people moving and doing things and wonder how they have the energy to do anything at all. If I could crawl into bed and not get out for a few days, I would really appreciate that.

S has gone away again for tonight and I’ve set a few alarms on my phone to remember to pick up the children. I’m avoiding doing anything else, I don’t want to go out, I don’t want to risk seeing people I know, I don’t want to talk to anyone. I’m just the chauffeur for the children and I am kind of dreading this evening when they’re waiting for dinner and I have to find the energy to make the dinner, to tidy up afterwards, to deal with the fallouts or the negotiations until bedtime. This is the time  help would really be useful for me, some sort of practical support.

If I was in the UK my parents would have been useless. Because it happened on days there; I had really bad times and the feeling was very much put your head down and get on with it. The feeling of being a failure and being weak was reinforced. I don’t want to call any friends, they have a enough going on, and no one knows the routine. I would much rather pay for some help then I won’t feel as obligated to them, but how weird is that for somebody to come and deal with simple tasks when I just lie there staring glumly.

It’s going to take a lot of patience to deal with the children this afternoon, not to mention my ability to hide the sheer exhaustion. Although I’m sure they wonder what’s wrong with me some of the time. I’m not a normal mother, and I hate too that my children are exposed to my weaknesses.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I have therapy, S won’t be back until late, so it means another long day with the children and no back up.

I really need to sort out physiotherapy for my hand, but I can’t face the drive or the interaction at the hospital. Everything feels too hard.

If I feel like this tomorrow I’m not even sure ill make it therapy.

Change?

Some strange things have happened since I mentioned how much bad luck I’ve been having at the start of the year what with a broken hand, looking at a fairly scungey apartment and not being able to find any work.

Most people would take this change in circumstances and see it as a positive thing where as I’m now even more full of self-doubt because I wonder if there’s  going to be a downfall from having some good luck!

So what’s been happening that’s given me this profound sense of undeserving luck?

Well firstly there was a property that I had enquired about in a beautiful village where we used to own a property and that I love very much.  I spoke with the homeowner at length on the phone about his current tenants and he wasn’t sure when they’re going to be moving out so he said he would speak to them and get back to me. He did get back to me and told me that the tenants have decided to stay so the property was no longer available to rent. This was another one of the reasons I decided to opt for the apartment because on the rare chance I see a property  I like I end up missing out either because I’m simply not chosen or other circumstances out of my control.

A few days ago he called me to tell me that the tenants have changed their minds again and were going to move out. He said because of my previous interest he would give me first refusal. I had already put down the deposit on the apartment but this house has a real draw for me so I said I was definitely interested and went about the application process.

Probably an hour later I received another call I missed it and it went to voicemail it was somebody saying he’d seen my CV on a job site and wanted to speak to me about this position he thought I was suitable for.  While I was on the phone to him call waiting was going and unbelievably I had a message from a company which I applied for a job with a few months ago and they were calling to organise a time to interview with me.

All this came off the back of me  saying to S that I was going to give up househunting and jobhunting for a while as the rejection was just getting too much for me.

I received confirmation that I was accepted for the house. It’s a small cottage in this lovely wine region in New Zealand and I’m really looking forward to moving in; unbelievably again the start time is the exact same time as the end date of my tenancy here.

Today I met the recruitment consultant that headhunted me for a role and he is going to put me forward for that so I will interview again next week sometime. I’m having an interview tomorrow with the guy of the company directly for the job that I’ve applied for a few months ago.

Unfortunately in terms of self confidence I am actually feeling really low because of these medications I’m taking I’ve  put on so much weight and I feel really uncomfortable in my suit and I’m conscious that people will be looking at me thinking that I’m just this fat frumpy old woman. I feel behind my game and that I will really have to work hard to try to impress people to get them to see pass my fatness.

I have heard from the hospital and next week I have an appointment with the plastics departments because apparently they’re the only ones that can help with the strange bone of mine broken in my hand.

So I’m joining the realms of the normal people with the house waiting for me next weekend and jobs lined up that I have stopped applying for a long time ago. It’s really tiring returning back to this facade of the person that i  used to be but I don’t really know who I am anymore. Because of feeling so self-conscious because of all the medications I take because I am under the care of the community mental health team because I’m not really normal and yet I’m facing these people and getting on.

I have to say each day is exhausting and I’m almost waiting for something horrible to happen to me to make up for the good things that are happening I’m not sure if that’s the way I think or if it’s the illness making me feel this way. I do believe that what is meant to be will be. So if one of these jobs comes through then perhaps I really am ready to join full time employment and it certainly would be good to have my financial independence and have some semblance of normal adult life.

Of course there is some excitement about these new prospects don’t get me wrong but I’m still not in a place right now where I can really feel fully excited without the sense of impending doom.

It’s interesting that I’ve lost my sense of self. I don’t know if that’s a combination of the separation, of having a mental illness, of going through different things in my life or if it’s just the time in my life where this happens where I undergo some sort of mental change in a later stage in my life.

Whatever it is I hope that I will really start to feel comfortable again in my own skin and get to know who I am again and get to know what I like and start to live without this fear on the back of my shoulders all the time and without the internal painful monologue I torture myself with on a daily basis.

Stormy weather 

See, now that is what I just don’t get about depression but I hate about it so much. Yesterday lying in the garden the sun warming me through to my bones I can actually believe that I was just a normal person and it was just a normal day. Today, for no apparent reason I’ve woken up feeling instantly miserable and that everything is wrong with me along with the world.

My son stayed over at my house last night. I really enjoyed having him stay as he hasn’t for quite awhile because of my neighbours.  luckily they were quiet last night so we both had a good night sleep. However my house is now filling up with boxes that need to be packed and need to be marked and as I’m doing that I can fill my enthusiasm for the job waning because it’s just so much hard work dividing things into whether something should into one box or another to make sure it’s going to be easy for me when I come to open them. Of course because I’m moving from the house to an apartment most of my things won’t fit  but fortunately I can leave a lot of my stuff here at S’s house.

Again I thought I was well past this moving business and moving into different accommodation. I am anxious about the place I’m moving in to as I’ve already mentioned it’s not the most ideal situation but at least it’s a temporary solution one I look for something better.

I’ve managed to accomplish quite a lot of packing today including putting lots of clothes into  cases and leaving myself a small amount of clothes to last until the bigger apartment is available. But now I feel exhausted I’ve pushed my hand to the limits of it and it hurts a lot and I can’t stop falling asleep I feel absolutely drained and exhausted and this is where the  depression gets to creep back into my mind again and turn everything and twisting and making me feel really bad about myself.

I just feel inherently lonely and that my life has taken on this unpredictable and uncomfortable path that I’m just having to follow and hope for the best.

Today it’s very overcast very windy and stormy weather warnings are up and around and it reflects my mood because it is so hard to imagine that just yesterday I was lying in the garden in the sun and today the weather is atrocious it’s seems to reflect my mood changes perfectly.

This year has gone downhill so quickly! But I’m still holding on. My little guys need me.

Slick with mud

Today I woke after a horrific nightmare again. But I got up as expected and took the kids to school.

I haven’t referred to good friends of mine that have sent me their unconditional support throughout my trials and tribulationa and I would like to take a moment to say how much I appreciate my good friends and also the comments I get on my blog they all mean an awful lot to me because it does take time to sit and write a message and I know that if people with me right now they would do things for me and are not just paying lip service.

If the hospital wasn’t something out of a nightmarish Tim Burton  or resembling something from ‘One Flew Over  The  Cuckoos Nest’ I would definitely commit myself voluntarily to the hospital. However I fear that its dreadful representation will only add to my anxiety and not give me the end result that I need.

I know some people with some of the darkest depression tend to wallow in their depression and that’s always irritated me.  Like why haven’t you done anything to get over this depression that you’re in. For me I feel that I am actually trying to do my best; I’m still taking the kids to school and picking them up taking them to their appointments and also trying to do things that i  usually enjoy such as reading, writing, sitting in the sun, responding to messages.

Indeed my greatest attempts just seem to fail and of thus I wonder if I really am deemed  to fail this way for eternity.

How I’m  coping at the moment is by taking steps and setting goals. For example this weekend I intend to pack in boxes the things I want to keep when I’m on my new apartment.

Earlier I went through all of the various service providers i use such as electricity and Internet to make sure they were suspended until I move into my new apartment.

I’ve also asked S to help me with the logistics of moving items either into storage at his house or selling whatever suits.

So on the outside I’m functioning I’m getting my kids I’m talking to them I’m doing all the things that need to be done but it’s mainly robotic there is no feeling there is no joy. My hand is extremely painful as well which doesn’t help the situation.

I would be so interested to read the blog entry that I make of this time next year considering I have definitely hit rock bottom at this stage.