Update!

The job continues to go well and I’m proud of myself for my accomplishments. Financially it is hard, I haven’t been paid yet but I declared my income to the benefits office, which saw it sliced in half, and with the rent at the higher end of the spectrum, I think it’ll be tough to scrape by. But I much prefer to be working than living on benefits.

My mental health remains stable, although my sleep has been greatly affected and I’m absolutely exhausted. There is some anxiety surrounding the night shifts, but hopefully it’s just a case of getting used to it.

Steve has been away, so I’ve been looking after the kids and I have to say that all together it’s been a tiring week, and I work weekends too, so it’s of no benefit to me that it’s a long weekend.

It’s been good though, catching up with the kids and reestablishing my role with them.

I’ve been able to do a grocery shop, which I’m having delivered so that I can rest on Saturday prior to a night shift. It’ll be nice to have food in, and have my home feeling full. 

I’m seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow for the med review and I’m sure they’ll be surprised at what I’ve accomplished. I can’t continue with therapy at the moment because I can’t afford it. But hopefully in time I will be able to resume occasional sessions.

So, all is well and continues to stabilise for me 😊 what a long road it’s been!

Advertisements

Car! Sorted!

So now I officially own my own car. It’s a zillion years old, but hey, it’s all mine! And although finance was tempting to get a nicer car, I have grown up enough in the last year to know that adding to my financial pressure will ultimately affect me in a really bad way. The less stress the better.

My first week of work is done. Two assessments, passed both. Another one on Monday. It’s nice to feel tired from actually doing something! And I enjoy the work, the team are really nice.

The ‘separation agreement’ is now signed and official. The divorce is another $211, and I’m not particularly keen to get the ball rolling on that right now. Again, it’s pressure and upset I don’t need.

Tonight we’re going out as a family for my daughter’s 11th birthday dinner. It’ll be nice to all be together, things between Steve and I continue to be amicable and I’m pleased with the place we’re at. Although I still miss my husband, I’m not completely useless at life as a singleton. In fact I continue to get stronger and more confident. Let’s just hope it stays that way. My mental health continues to be a source of anxiety, like things are going so well, so where’s the price I need to pay? I’m seeing my psychiatrist next week, so it’ll be good to have a review and make sure I’m on track. I’m also seeing the benefits office to declare my part time income. I get really nervous about these things, I don’t want to screw the system (it’ll only backfire on me) so I’ll be able to get everything up to date.

So;

Job – sorted

House – sorted

Car – sorted 

Now I just need to get money actually IN my bank account so I can start saving and get some extra bits for my Home (dining table, knickknacks, etc). I did go to the charity store and get some more cutlery for a few bucks! I surprise myself!

Good things!

So my parents left today, but I saw them last night. It was still emotional even though things have been rocky here. Luckily it won’t affect the kids. But I’m still indebted from my time in England.

In other news, I’m LOVING my job training! I’m feeling very positive about that. Although it’s been a shock to the system! I’m knackered!

I’m LOVING my home. It’s all in place, and feels like home. Of course I miss the house I had with Steve – it was our ‘dream’ house after all. But I have to remind myself it’s just bricks and mortar at the end of the day (technically aluminium!).

The kids are with Steve’s parents in Napier, which is great for them, my children deserve to be spoilt and I have neither the money nor time at the moment. My eldest is here at the house, she’s just living on her laptop talking to school friends! 

So at the moment, contentment resides. I honestly NEVER imagined getting to this point. I seriously thought my life was on a continually bad plateau and that perhaps I’d been the worst person in a former life! My mental health does concern me, but I’m doing the only thing I can do, take my medication, get sleep and wait until the psychiatrist comes back from holiday. I’m terrified of plummeting, but I’m hoping the job satisfaction and feeling of having a ‘Home’ keeps me balanced.

Oh, and I can use the 24 hour police gym!!! So I save on membership and can actually start trying to get healthy again!

Falling into place

So I didn’t get a reply from my parents which upset me even more, then eventually they emailed steve to ask when their horse riding was. I was so gutted, I thought I’d sounded reasonable in the email and open to discussion. They ended up turning up at my house on Saturday to find out about the horse riding. Clearly discussing the email and it’s meaning was not an option for them. Dad wouldn’t look me in the eye and they seemed defensive. I am glad I saw them though, I’d have hated to have left on a bad note. Especially after England.

They left shortly after and they did turn up for horse riding – but then drove off again. Ah well, my issue is mine alone and I have to deal with it. At least my children won’t miss them.

My house is looking great! Everything is in its place – I just need a dining table now – but there’s no hurry. It really feels like a home and I love it.

Steve, as per our agreement is going to buy me a car next week, just a cheap runaround. As the rental goes back on Tuesday – I’ll miss having a car for a few days!

I’m glad things are civil with Steve. And I’m so happy that my kids love my house.

So I start my new job next week!  Very exciting! I wasn’t sure I’d get it because I have that traffic conviction, and I need a full police check but they were ok about it and I’m really looking forward to working again. It’s part time – up to 20 hours a week, which is exactly what I was looking for. And as my house is near the train station, I can train in!

Feels like things are falling into place. That makes me nervous! But I’m trying to remain optimistic – there should be ‘pay back’ for my good fortune!

House and kids!

So I’m pretty much moved, depending on your definition of moved! My clothes are pretty much put away, the furniture is pretty much put in place. I have an electricity account, changed my drivers license address and Sky television came today to sort out my programming! I have Vodafone coming tomorrow to sort out the wifi – thank god!  The house looks good, it feels like a home. I think this is the best rental I’ve had. It’s comfy, warm and homely.

I don’t have food! My budget won’t allow a shop which is annoying because I’d like to clean up and have friends over.

Having the 4 kids on my own has been really tough going. It’s the holidays, so I’m juggling the move, issues that arise with that and driving around as well as tidying Steve’s house! Talk about out of the frying pan into the fire!

I’m a bit disappointed that my parents aren’t really involved with the kids. They could have used this time to get to know them better, even taking them out individually to make things easier. But they are in ‘holiday’ mode, so babysitting is a no go zone. And I’m shattered and very conscious that I don’t want to become unwell.

I’m trying to hold the fort until steve gets back (tomorrow) and enjoy my time with my much missed kids. But it is harder than most people would appreciate. I’d love to get into my eldest daughter’s bedroom and give it a good tidy out and move furniture around – I love surprising them like that – but frankly I’m too tired for that! I’d like to be able to take them out but I’m stone cold broke at the moment. I got some money through benefits but that wouldn’t even cover rent! I’ve got to make it last as long as possible.

On the whole I’m ‘doing it.’ I’m up early for the busy days, but my sleep is out of whack again, despite the medication . I think it’s because I spend all night ruminating over the events of the day, the next day and all of my anxieties and concerns. I almost fell into a panic attack last night, just because of how much is going on. But I’m determined to keep a handle on it. It’s just a shame that I can’t see my psychiatrist or CPN until 20 October. I could do with some support on this medication regime, although keeping up with therapy will help.

Last night I was determined to have a bath! Luckily my personal hygiene is back on track so I shower daily, but I wanted to indulge in a bath at Steve’s house because it’s been soooo long. I literally never got a chance with the kids and then I was too knackered. But tonight I will attempt it!

Well I’ve taken some time out to write this blog, I’ll have a hefty price to pay (house will be messed up again!). But I really needed some down time (although I’ve had numerous interruptions!). But I am glad to be back, I’m happy to have my children with me and I’m relieved that Steve is being really helpful and hospitable. It feels so nice not to have the negative energy and fear of the unknown.

I’ve even had a nice email communication with Steve’s parents. Thanking them for looking after the kids – they are really good with them, especially Steve’s dad and I’m happy the kids have that relationship with them. I can’t imagine them having the same closeness with my parents, but maybe when they’re older my parents will find it easier.

In other news, my sister got engaged! I’m so happy for her. She’s been with her partner for years, and they own a house together but it didn’t look like marriage would ever be on the cards, but he surprised her on a holiday in the US. I feel really lucky to have reconnected with her when I went back to the UK.

Update

Life has been extremes as I anticipated but it’s gruelling and tiring.

I have looked at lots of rental properties (all awful). I have seen my lawyer, that tore my life apart, and I had an appointment with Work and Income which was extremely demoralising.

I’ve done everything I possibly can, keep applying for work, house hunting, got my benefits sorted, but I still feel like I’m drowning. I love weekends with the kids, they really keep me going.

New medication seems to be helping somewhat, but I’m anxious. I need them to work.

My parents are still doing the best they can, but I think they’re feeling the financial strain and will be happy for me to be sorted.

Two nights ago I got drunk (alone) on cheap plonk. I had very strong urges to self harm, I gave all of my sharp things to my parents- even my medication. It’s the first time I’ve been honest and done something preventative. I guess I’m kind of proud of myself for that. I’m sad that I got to that level. I hope it was just the wine, which is why I avoid drinking too much and why I won’t be doing that again.

Today I’ve finalised some more paperwork for work and income and am trying to rest.

Tomorrow I have therapy and more house viewings.

I’m just keen to get into a routine now. This all feels so temporary but in a scary way. I feel close to a panic attack often, as I have so little control over my future.

Disappointment 

Am I disappointing my family (parents). Yes. 100% Gone are the ‘Europe xmas breaks’ we used to buy them, gone is my capacity to accommodate them in my own home, thus them only needing flights. I am now reliant on them financially and I would say emotionally but they’ve never been very good at that side of things. Every cent my father spends is another black mark against me. He can barely control his irritation. And to be fair, in his retirement, looking after a daughter that’s pushing 40 is a lot to ask.

So far I’ve enquired about numerous properties (competition is hot), made my benefit appointment and a slot to see my therapist, I’m still applying for jobs and may well have secured one – won’t know for sure for a little while. This has been me being proactive and not waiting for things to happen for me.

I’ve had my medication changed and feel much more positive about the regime. It’s just a shame that dr was temporary.

But my parents, they don’t seem to see it. Or maybe it’s all just not happening quickly enough. I still want to spend hours languishing in bed, I still feel low, my anxiety is shocking, sleep isn’t much better – but I’m trying desperately to organise my life.

Tensions are so fraught though, and arguments keep popping out – but you can tell they’re only mild releases of pressure. A big blow up feels imminent.

I feel quite alone in this struggle. I’m enduring another tidal wave of grief and sadness after seeing anything remotely mine in the house been chucked out. I understand Steve was being practical. And it’s just ‘stuff.’ But it’s a stark and shocking reminder that the house is nothing to do with me. That I don’t have a place there. I have no home. Yesterday I broke down and cried. I felt I could have cried for hours to be honest but with the kids around, I kept it hidden. They’re so happy to see me again, I don’t want them to think I’m unhappy.

I’ll have Harry and my daughter here in the motel tonight to sleep. Although it’s not very nice here, I’d like to spend more time with them.

So the struggle is ongoing, I’m really putting everything into putting my life in order. I think my parents just can’t understand me, the situation and the complexities of it. Although I’ve tried my best to explain. Something’s people only get it when they’re going through it themselves.