Sun, sea

I’m really enjoying my time here. In this unusually hot weather we went to Bournemouth beach yesterday 


I did break down and cry when we arrived because I knew how much my kids would have loved it and I miss them terribly.

S has been scathing in text messages, so I limit my communication with him. I’m still trying to reconcile that he’s not the same person. Of course in this weather there were all couples and families and I’ll never have that again. It’s deeply upsetting, but when I think about how S regards me now, it’s obvious it won’t ever go back. I just need to process that. I need to let go and I need to stop letting S upset me. 

I’ve been talking to the kids everyday and it helps to see them. But I wish they were here. In fact I’d go so far to say that if my children were here, I’m not sure we’d return to NZ. So much has happened and I’m not looking forward to starting over again. But I feel more confident about starting over here in a place I know. Maybe it’s easier saying that because I’m on holiday here. 

I can still feel the depression is around me. But I’m pushing against it. I know my parents will never really understand it. But I’m trying to be more present and more involved. Doesn’t help that Dad makes quite a few inferences to my weight. I knew it’d be an issue, so I’ve faced it by cracking jokes. But really it hurts. I don’t want to be this big.

Otherwise my parents are being great. And I’m enjoying being here in ‘daughter’ capacity.

I do miss my little dudes though, so very much 

Settling in

So of course I’ve found my wedding photos, little momentos from S, old pictures of when we first met. I expected to break down in a heap. I haven’t. Not yet anyway. I guess I knew it was inevitable. I think the thing that stops me from feeling it so strongly is that I know he wouldn’t feel anything. He is so unattached he wouldn’t recognise himself, nor relate any memories. Another timely reminder that this is definitely over and there’s no going back. He isn’t the same person in the pictures. He doesn’t care like he used to. Already he’s blamed me for our son being behind at school over FaceTime, when I was trying to find a solution. He seems to like making me feel useless, digging out my failings and insecurities.

Today is the first day I’ve felt normal since getting back. My headache has slowly retreated, and I feel less foggy and confused. It’s been unbelievably hot here! And the long, light evenings are really strange to me! I’m still sleeping a lot and I think my medication regime is still trying to settle. But at least I feel human. It doesn’t usually take me so long to recover from a flight. I suspect my weight has been quite a contributing factor to that. That and all the stress I was under in NZ. I feel like I can actually breathe properly here. I feel less oppressed, there are less expectations and I’m able to rest, or have the company of my parents as I need. Currently I don’t feel like a burden to them. It is truly nice to feel like I’m home.

I’m even showering regularly! 

Tomorrow Dad wants to drive to Reading to visit the cemetery where his parents are buried – its Father’s Day here tomorrow. I was very close to my Nan, so I’m glad to go. I have no anxiety about going out, in fact I think I’ll enjoy the road trip. It’s supposed to be another sunny day. 

I’m not sure what I’ll be doing for the rest of the week, or if I’ll continue to feel relaxed (I really hope so) so I’m just taking each day as it comes. I know I had some major concerns and regrets on the way, but now I know this is the best thing I could have done.

Arrived!

I’m absolutely shattered, so I’ll keep this brief. I felt like the day would never end, I’ve been in a sitting position for almost 50 hours. I ache, I feel sick and I’m finally horizontal!

I really regretted the flight and thought I’d made a terrible mistake but my parents have greeted me with open arms. My old room has been set up beautifully and Mum had a huge basket of a variety of hair products, body stuff and bath treats. I have felt truly cared about for the first time in ages.

It’s also been really warm here and the long, light evening seems weird! I have no idea on times and days, I think it’ll take me a while to get adjusted and get my medication regime back on track.

I have amazed myself today. Well, the last few days! I didn’t move from my comfort spot, but I have sought care from familiarity and faced the anxiety provoking travel, far away from my days in bed. I survived it and I did it alone.

I miss my babies painfully, but hopefully this will all be worth it 

Court

I had an interview yesterday afternoon, the company works around mental illness so it would be something I’d be passionate about. But there were 5 candidates and frankly I just think I wasn’t experienced enough. I struggled to come up with examples of historical work place incidents again and the air got thicker and I shrank more and more. The interviewers pens scribbled less, and I knew at times I’d lost members of the panel. Again, it’s hard not to feel bad about it. I haven’t got what it takes – I can’t fake it. That’s just the truth of the matter. I am starting to feel the crushing realisation that I might never work again, and am finally making steps to apply for disability. Something I’ve avoided for so long because I didn’t want to admit my position. I’ll still send my CV out but I’m not positive at all. I’m not even sure what I want to be doing anymore.

S is making it so blatant that he doesn’t want me around. I can’t even begin to express the toxic environment at home. I feel like such an unwelcome houseguest. I’m trying my best to avoid him. I had hoped to move into a flat on the weekend so I could be out of his way but he needs me Tues-Fri next week. What’s the point in paying rent if I’m going to be here?? He hasn’t even asked, just assumed I’d be ok looking after the kids.

This morning I had to leave early for court and I was using his car, he went nuts saying it sounded really bad ‘since I’d been driving it.’ Actually I’ve told him before it sounds bad, but he told me he had it serviced (even though the check engine light is continually on). He was so shitty with me and then told me it was a mess inside. His car is usually full of litter which I tidy out because it bugs me, there’s no litter in it, so I’m not sure why he made that comment. I felt attacked and useless again. On a morning where I definitely didn’t need it. He demanded I ‘drive straight back.’

The guy hates me like an enemy. An enemy he’s being forced to endure. It’s a difficult thing for me to process. But I refuse to break down and cry.

Court was its own nightmare. People were there with really serious charges, I was told by a duty solicitor that mine was ‘minor’ I’ve still ended up with a traffic conviction and $100 fine. Lucky the fine wasn’t too much, but a conviction is surely a conviction?? Traffic or otherwise. I have no idea how this is going to impact me. I’ll need to speak to my lawyer.

Afterwards I’d hope to secure my flat, I was shown three. One with windows almost against a wall so it was pretty dark, and the others so grotty and smelly. I’m waiting until Monday to view another one that’s come up, but this one is a studio. What does it matter? Without my kids I’m only going to lie on the bed all the time any way.

At least this week is over and I’ve survived it. I’ve certainly seen more action then I have in ages, which is kind of good considering how much I slept before.

In bed

I haven’t been able to get out of bed the last couple of days. At least today I showered. I’m just so fed up and miserable with life, it’s not worth getting up for.

S has gone, coincidentally had to leave for work early Sunday afternoon so it’s just me and the kids until weds/thurs. frankly I’m not sure how I’ll cope, but I’ll have to. I didn’t realise S was going for so long. Maybe he told me and it didn’t register, maybe he didn’t- but it’d be my fault anyway.

I had asked him to drive me over the hill to the cottage to pick some clothes up. I guess I wasn’t clear enough, so that didn’t happen. My driving confidence has been shot to pieces now. But I don’t have a choice, I need to pack some more clothes, especially smart clothes for my interview and court. God I’ll be glad when next week is over for a myriad of different reasons.

I hate to drone on, but I feel ever so lonely. I wish I could see into the future, but it feels like it will be the same plodding along, trying to make it through.

I’d like to know when I stop hurting. When it doesn’t hurt to breathe. When I can have moments of beauty and brilliance and the beasts are destroyed. When does life progress to new and exciting chapters. When I’m indifferent to all that I’ve lost and appreciate all that I have. When getting up isn’t a monumental feat and sleep is a routine – not a longed for escape.

Will life ever be anything more for me?

Differences 

On my last post a commentator said that it wasn’t unusual to feel confused and overwhelmed at the end of a marriage. This really clicked with me as I have kind of put everything into an unwell basket.

I went swimming again yesterday and I was amazed at the overwhelming thoughts I had, the sense of grief, the sense of loss, the loss of control. All of these feelings pertain to the end of my marriage. Perhaps I was still in denial despite everything else I’ve gone through. And now it’s starting to break through again but I’m mistaking it for this depression. Make no mistake I am certainly depressed there are symptoms that I recognise as part of that; lethargy, negative ideas, demotivation, self-hate, and all that horrible stuff that comes with depression and anxiety, including panic attacks and nightmares. But it kind of helped to make me realise that some of these feelings will be temporary. I’m still in the thick of it as I am learning to be single again.

I shall be moving into an apartment next week and arranging movers for my cottage in the week. At least I can close those chapters. And then I’m sure there’ll be more grief. It saddens me a lot that S seems completely unaffected by everything, I am just an inconvenience at best.

Separation/divorce is a horrible thing to go through, especially as the one that didn’t want it to go that far. I feel dejected, useless, worthless etc and this has compounded my depression.

But there’s definitely a divide between feelings. I just hope I can repair the damage eventually.

Medication changes

Saw my psychiatrist today. We’ve added Fluoxetine to the mix and decreased the Sodium Valporate by 500mg because she thinks that might be adding to my tiredness. Although it is helping with my headaches and migraines would you believe! I’m happy with the outcome, as happy as a chronic depressed person can be.

Since going for a swim it’s like it’s taken everything out of me and I’m shattered. But I’m determined to hold onto that good feeling and try again tomorrow.

The panicky feelings aren’t going away. I just need court to be over. And I’m split in two minds about going to the UK. I get the feeling S is withdrawing his financial support as we get closer to September (when we can legally divorce), and my benefits change from leaving the house. It’s all long and boring, but I’m feeling the pinch and I have closing bills to pay, storage to pay, a new deposit to pay on this scungey apartment. I don’t really have the means to support myself in the UK and what if S leaves me  with nothing in the UK? I could be trapped. I’m feeling like I’ve lost all control over every aspect of my life. 

On a plus side, I did get an interview following a big CV drop (online) so I just hope something will come up for me. Unfortunately it’s at a time when the kids should be finishing school, so I’m going to have to take them with me – again. It’s never a good look taking kids, but what else can I do? S isn’t here. I’m not sure how he’s expecting  it to go once I start work. I won’t have the flexibility I do now. And god knows, I’ll need my salary. He’s gotten so used to going away and working late and functions at the drop of a hat, I think it’ll be quite a shock for him having to juggle childcare again. But I’m getting ahead of myself – I still need to get a job first.

I’ll just be glad to be in my own place (as scungey as it might be), and get somewhere with the job hunting. At the moment I’m sick of being an unwanted house guest, grappling with this ugly mental condition and hopefully finding some hope for my future. Although that concept seems laughable at the moment.