Life will never be the same.
I thought during the police investigation – reliving my trauma and fighting to be heard was the worst time of my life.
I thought this subsequent trial was going to take everything I had. Reliving it again and again. The paper work, the red tape, the slow processes. I thought I was doomed to live with my past around my neck like a noose. The consequences, the side effects. The pain and the unrelenting nightmares.
Coming to cambodia was an opportunity for a break from that. From the pending trial. The frustrations of daily routine, the expectations, the demands of family life. An opportunity to give my husband and I time to reflect on the last few months, since the trial preparation began and his own legal stuff threw its full force at him.
Since being away I have missed my children painfully everyday. But the feeling of making them proud and doing something different has spurred me to go on.
My husband hasn’t spoken to me, he has talked about our marriage being over. But I have no updates about him, and conversation has been scarce.
This afternoon when he told me he didn’t love me and has in fact been unhappy for the last few years – I felt a pain in my heart I never thought possible. I have made my husband miserable and turned him into a person he doesn’t like. I knew we had problems but to know all these resentments he’s harboured and for so long were awful to hear. I’ve often suspected he hasn’t been happy or doesn’t love me, but he’s reassured me to the contrary.
When I suggested returning for the kids sake, so I could help lighten the load of managing them while he works and does his own stuff, he was very passionate about his desire for me not to return. Passionate to the point I questioned if I actually had a home anymore.
When I reiterated my need to be with my children, that I’m struggling without them and that we could surely work through this. His thoughts turned to logistics about moving out. About making our separation official. Final.
There seemed to be no feeling there. No hesitation, no regret. I am nothing more that a subject to be managed.
I have spent the day shut away in my room.
It didn’t occur to me that I wouldn’t have a home to return to. And I’d always imagined the support of my family.
If I can make my husband bitter and twisted – what’s to say I won’t fail my children and turn them the same way.
For the first time I felt the full force of the situation. I am a burden to bear and I have destroyed my husband. Who feels so little for me now, he can barely look and speak to me. He wants me to stay away.
My children are emotional every time I speak to them. I feel I’m letting them down by not being there. Letting my family down by not helping when the stress is clearly high.
But the fear and the reality that I’ve destroyed everything is too much.
I considered just taking my own life today. I am of little worth or consequence. My passion for this time here has been ruined by the reality of my home.
At least I can disappear like a dog into the wilderness and my husband and children can stay together. Happier and safe from my ability to ruin them. My husband can meet someone else, and the children will flourish.
The things my husband said were excruciating to hear. It’s like he’s never really known me at all. Like I’ve never known me.
I really am a bad and unworthy person. The times when I thought we were actually happy – he wasn’t. How long has this facade been? When did love turn to hate?
When did he begin to just tolerate me?
I don’t know what to do anymore.
I’m afraid of my future, I’m afraid of my past.
My present is completely obscure and really epitomises my life right now.
I took a handful of sleeping tablets and briefly when I woke, I thought everything was ok and it was just a nightmare.
I am so confused and alone right now. I don’t know how I will ever make it through.