Am I worried about my mental health? Yes, just a little bit.
A few weeks ago my car got broken into outside my house, admittedly it was my work car. But with PTSD being the way it is, I immediately felt targeted unsafe. Thus I bought various security cameras to have around the house. Feeling a bit more settled, I had a phone call from the vet to say my cat had been hit by a car and killed. Obviously I knew the two weren’t related, but I was beyond devastated. I worked myself into a panic attack and then began vomiting into the sink. I can’t even express the magnitude of pain AND blame that I feel. My girl wanted affection that morning and the footage from my camera shows are desperate for attention from me and I’m hurrying off (I didn’t tell the kids that). They’re absolutely devastated. So I’m trying to be strong for them.
Work is insanely busy – good, I thought. It’ll take my mind off things. Then yesterday I visited a family with severe mental health issues, an extremely neglected child and a house like one of those from Hoarders. I have to get advice, but clearly this will be a referral to Oranga Tamariki (child services). What a bloody horrible call to make.
Friday evening I asked Steve to have the kids. I was drained, down, sad, self loathing, etc. I did try to talk to him, but as usual, he doesn’t give a shit. I don’t know why I bother – I was desperate. I needed someone to hear me. Not him, he wasn’t interested.
I tried to distract myself with tv and wine, but I just felt too tired, to fed up. I even ordered my favourite Thai food, but it was bland and I threw it away.
Today my youngest daughter begged to stay with me. I wanted to lie in bed all day and do nothing but I obliged because I didn’t want to let her down. I actually got dressed and got up. She immediately noticed that things were different. I always have the curtains open and windows open to let in a breeze – even when it’s cold. The house is orderly and beds are made. But when she came, my house was dark, curtains drawn. I’m sure it felt oppressive.
I made an effort to make the house more like me. We had dinner, watched comedies, I drank wine, but I’m miserable. She wants hugs and to chat. I just want to lie in bed.
Monday is full of appointments so I can’t take the kids to school and I can’t pick them up. The job is so demanding.
I feel a bit wobbly. I feel so sad and so drained. But more than that, I feel so lonely.