Update

I haven’t written for a while I think that’s because there’s been so much going on and I was hoping for a break to work out how I was really feeling. Study has been stressful but I’ve managed to remain on my objectives. I’m worried about my mental health but this is predominantly because my ex-husband has now decided that we should no longer have contact including I should no longer be allowed at the house. At all. Ever. I took the news really hard at first and I honestly felt that my mental health was going to slip. But the reality is it’s probably the best thing. I do find myself leaning on him and trying to find support from him even though he’s not in a place to give it to me. It’s amazing how you can spend so much of your life as part of someone else’s life and suddenly you’re on your own. I think I’ve been relying on him subconsciously to support me through the different endeavours of my life. Now there has been a definite shift on who we are to each other and although that was initially painful I think it might be the way forward. Obviously it is painful to think that after so many years we used to be best friends but the reality is that, it is no longer. I have to find my way as an individual.

Study is continuing although I do find it very hard but I’m hoping if I stay focused I’ll find my way through it.

Work is always challenging but I really enjoy the work and the team environment.

I feel closer to my children than I have done in awhile and I enjoy having them more often at my home.

Although I wish there are some things that could be more different in my life, such as having a new home that can accommodate all of us perfectly, I realise this is not going to happen. I make best of the situation I’m in.

On June 4 I have my second MRI scan this will show if the lesions in my brain have increased thus increasing my chance of having MS in the future. I’m not worried about this as there have been so many developments in medical science, and I have more pressing things to be concerned about.

I would say at this stage I am content. I am not particularly happy, but I’m not particularly depressed either. I feel like I am ploughing on through life as I should be.

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University work

I’m back from Hamilton and so happy to be with my kids.

I’m still completely overwhelmed with the uni stuff and don’t have a clue what I’m doing. Fortunately Steve is really intelligent and good with computers so he was able to sort out some of the software for me, but even he struggled. The platforms are so unuser friendly.

I have got my first assignment done and dropped off though – phew!

All of this might be for nothing though if I don’t get my student allowance approved. I’m quite stressed about that. I’ll find out next week.

My mood still isn’t quite right. But the fact I drove to Hamilton and participated in the orientation week is testament to my new medication routine and desperation not to fall into a terrible depression. I still struggle to get up and get ready, but I really hope that will pass eventually.

I’ll be glad to get next week confirmed

University

So here I am up in Hamilton, in the Waikato.

It’s orientation week at the university so I drove the 7 hours yesterday.

Today I’m feeling really overwhelmed. There is just so much information to take in. I’m doubting my capabilities. There’s also a lot of people so I’m feeling very anxious.

This morning it was really hard to get out of bed. I still feel the blanket of depression and my internal monologue is very unkind. I just had to force one foot forward. To make matters worse, when I got to the uni, I couldn’t find parking so I had to turn around, go back to my motel and then call a taxi. There literally weren’t any spots and I drove miles away. Having my car accessible is a big help to me with my anxiety, so I felt totally out of my comfort zone. After the long day I had to wait for a taxi back.

I’m filled with so much doubt and feeling really overwhelmed. I hope it gets easier as the week goes on.

MS and future plans

I saw my GP today as I’ve been suffering with what I’d class as extreme exhaustion. I know I’m in a low which means I’m usually lethargic and demotivated, but this seems somehow worse. I see it’s one of many symptoms of MS, and as the neurologist told me to look out for symptoms following my mri last year, I wondered if this was the start. I’ve not been experiencing any other symptoms, although of course, depression and anxiety offer a similar lot of symptoms. Unexplained pains and weakness. My GP was fairly sure that this wasn’t a precursor to MS and instead a combination of my medication, the heat (we’ve been suffering a heatwave recently) and the low I’m in. But she’s ordered some blood tests and told me to go back in a month. I feel fairly comfortable with that. Im glad I’ve not been experiencing sight problems which is a very clear indicator of the disease.

I applied for a part time as a Teacher Aide, something completely different! My kids and Steve were really suprised, all said I was too impatient! I’m not sure if I’m up to the task to be honest, but the Deputy Principal and Principal seemed pretty confident in me. I’m not sure if I’ll get the role, but it works perfectly around school hours, and I’m enjoying being around for the kids more.

I’m also still considering study. I’ve had the offer from Hamilton and now Massey. I’m still suffering with a lack of confidence although Steve has been very supportive.

It’s a holiday here tomorrow and Steve is away, so I’m going to be enjoying the time with my kids.

End of a chapter

Today was my last day at work. It’d been a good week. I thought it would drag and by today I’d be skipping out the door. But in fact I felt quite sad. Really disappointed that it hadn’t worked out. I really enjoyed the advocacy, just not the toxic environment. My boss was actually unusually really nice to me. Shame she couldn’t have been like that during my employment.

So another chapter closes. I feel I made the right decision, even Steve pointed out that whilst this week was good, if I wasn’t leaving it wouldn’t have been and I would have dreaded every day.

As I left my work car there, Steve picked me up. He had to pick our daughter up as she had an early finish today. We had time for a coffee together; but I could tell Steve was uncomfortable with me. It’s so sad that after so many years together we can’t have a civil conversation together. I miss our chats together. We used to meet regularly for coffee and lunch.

I have an interview for a teacher aide position next week. I’m really not sure about it though. I doubt my ability. I guess my confidence is still low.

I think my depression is marginally better. Not sure if it’s the new anti depressant, leaving my job, or just time. Hopefully it continues. I still find it hard to get up in the morning and get showered, but I push myself everyday.

I’m looking forward to spending more time with my children. I think the job limited me so much. I will only look for part time work moving forwards, but I definitely won’t be unemployed for long. Too much time on my hands is never a good thing!

Wobble

I’ve had a wobble over this new year period. It happens pretty much every year with the pressures and expectations. Xmas was so good with all the family together, but then they all left and although initially it was down time for me, I ended up being left with my own depressing thoughts. I was definitely becoming unwell and I had visions of being committed over the new year.

But I’ve clung to my sanity. On New Year’s Day I joined the Parkrun group to get my 5km in. I’ve maintained running for 30 mins x3 a week, so I wasn’t able to run the full 5km again, but I’m not concerned, I’m joining the January program to work up that again. Then, as tempting as it was to crawl into bed, I went to the beach with a great read on my kindle. I swam in the sea and relaxed in the sun (yes I’m a bit burnt!). Today I’m catching up with a friend and will probably go back to the beach afterwards.

I’ve hardly heard from Steve and the kids. I knew he’d come back cold from Napier, so I shouldn’t be surprised, but it still hurts, even when I’m expecting it. They’re due back tomorrow as it’s Harry’s birthday the following day.

I’m working tomorrow which I’m really not looking forward too. I hope I can find a new job this year. I’m still in two minds about study. One part of me wants to embrace it and start learning again, another part of me feels inadequate and that I can’t do it. I don’t have long to make a decision.

It’s supposed to be nice again today. I’m lucky I’m up at Steve’s, it’s much cooler here and I can open all the ranch sliders, but of course I’ll be sad to leave tomorrow. My house is like a hot box over summer and I don’t really have much of a garden. It does grate on me that Steve has everything.

The new year means little to me. I’m not one for resolutions and trite message of hope and all that. It’s just a change in numbers, I don’t think this year will actually be any different. I can only continue to take one day at a time.

Fighting intrusive suicidal

Thoughts. How easy would it be to step in front of a train? I’ve checked the train table, I could be there in time. I wouldn’t have to face the new year. I could leave the kids with good memories. There’s nothing keeping me here. My life is miserable and hard work.

I don’t know what keeps me here.

I feel like I need to hold on. But for what? Nothing is clear.