Facebook

I have some wonderful followers on here that either come along to read, or post inspiring and heplful comments.  It makes me feel less alone, in difficult times.

As such, I’ve taken a leaf out of a fellow bloggers (epage!) and have created a Facebook page. Here you will find a (very) novice platform to contact me, create discussion or to find some agencies that may be helpful.  You are always welcome to contact me via that page or on here, and I’d be happy to locate more sources as needed.

The most important thing that this blog has created is a community in which I’ve been able to express all of my inner most thoughts, feelings, fears, symptoms and my life journey to recovery.

No one should be alone.

Thank to everyone over the last years that have held my hand and offered me words to think over, words to soothe and words to remind me that I’m heard.

The blog of course will continue as normal.

Penny Insane

(https://www.facebook.com/PennyInsane)

Penny

xx

 

 

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Aftershock 

Yesterday I felt emotional and drained after my traumatic night. I came back the house to do the laundry and I was surprised to see S here. I ended up sobbing to him about how sad and scared I was. He gave me comfort, but there felt an ‘obligation’ to it. Not the warmth and concern as he’s displayed previously. As in, a long time ago. I tried to initiate conversation about how he was feeling and he ended up unleashing his tirade on me about everything being my fault. About my selfish needs and all of my mistakes. I tried to acknowledge his anger and resentment but I wanted some clarity on how he feels aside from his anger toward me. He shut down and I ended up feeling more unwelcome and upset.

I desperately needed sleep though and despite feeling his clear disdain of me, I wanted to sleep at the house. I fell asleep after crying again. I slept deeply for a few hours, no nightmares. And only awoke when S told me he was going to get the kids.

We had planned to rent a trailer and pick up a second bed for my house. I’m keen to have the kids over as soon as possible and was delighted with a bargain I’d found online.

We all left in the cold, wintry night. On arriving 40 mins later to the place the rain came down heavily. S had been unable to get a covered trailer. But I figured the bed could dry at my house.

I’ve pulled a trailer with a bed in before, in notoriously strong Wellington winds and had to take it really easy. S promised he was keeping an eye on the trailer. On the motorway he suddenly shouted that the mattress had gone. There was nothing to do, but me getting out with my torch and walking the side of a busy motorway at night  with freezing rain pouring down. I was anxious about someone swerving to avoid our mattress and have an accident so that’s what kept me focused.

Despite our best efforts, the mattress was gone. I think someone stopped and took it. There’s no other explanation. And what a great find! But I was terribly miserable. I felt the loss could have been avoided. I felt annoyed at the waste of money, and I felt annoyed that S hadn’t tried another service station to get a covered trailer. I have to worry about every last cent at the moment and to me id just lost money. Worse still, I lost the opportunity for the kids to stay over sooner.

It just added to my overall despair. 

I did spend the night at the house. I needed to be around my children. I needed the affection and noise, the chaos that comes as being part of a family. And I needed to feel that I wasn’t alone.

I took a sleeping tablet and fell deeply into sleep. No nightmares, and this morning I had wonderful long cuddles with my boy as we curled up and lay in together.

I’ve been avoiding contact with my friends, not using social media, and forwarding my calls. I feel like no one understands what I’m going through. I feel like I can’t fake enthusiasm and interest. I don’t want to hear cliches and I don’t want reminding that S doesn’t care about me and he doesn’t have to, as my friends like to point out. No one I know has separated/divorced with children in the mix. And I’m sure no one has been as close to their partner as S and I were. 

Today I feel a bit detached and disassociated. I’m trying to be ‘present’ and feel but I am  just overwhelmed.

And yes, I’m failing with my move and adjustment.

Work is quiet and study has stopped until the second trimester in July.

Tonight I’m going to a psychodrama workshop. I hear it’s very helpful and I’m willing to try anything.

So at the moment I’m free falling. It’s fast, it’s terrifying, disorientating and lonely. I have no safety net, no one to reach out to. But if I don’t carry on putting foot in front of the other, I’m scared I’ll stop. I’m scare I’ll lose all hope and I’m scared I won’t get up again. I’m running on fear and anxiety and I don’t know when I’ll ever have a sense of normality.

New job! And gel blues

This afternoon I started my first day at work. Yes I have a job!! I’m really excited about it. I found out a couple of weeks ago but I didn’t want to tell anyone until it was secure. I got my contract couriered and my start date changed so I waited until everything was signed, sealed delivered and I was on the clock!

I’m working with female offenders that are released from prison. I’m supporting them to reintegrate back into society. I think it’s a great opportunity and a very rewarding position. Considering my upbringing and experiences, that could have easily been me. In my case, it was just literally luck. These women have fallen through the cracks and I’d like to be able to offer support and consistency that most wouldn’t have had before. I can work easily along side doing my degree so it’s a great opportunity and to learn and develop counselling, studying, and empowering women. My ultimate combo!

I was feeling pretty happy this afternoon, my manager is fantastic and we get on very well. I was feeling confident, professional, positive – just overall brimming with enthusiasm and hope. Something that’s been sorely missing recently. I guess in the midst of it, it’s easy to forget just how much of a divide there is between S and I. Why did I think he’d share my enthusiasm? Why did I think he’d be supportive and proud? I set myself up for a fall. I’m an idiot! Of course he doesn’t give a rats arse. Of course he’s not going to change his demeanour. It means nothing to him.

I guess the reality check was another ouchie. But I might have survived it if he didn’t then go on to oversell a hair product to me. It sounds random! But stick with me, you’ll get it! I had my hair cut into a pixie style, within an inch of its life! So I use hair product to slick it down or spike it. Naturally I’d gone for S’s products as men’s stuff is usually better for that. One big brand hair gel was used by a relative that I don’t like to see, smell or be around because there’s somethings I don’t want to remember (it’s a trigger). Especially right now when I’m getting on track. S KNOWS this. And yet, despite owning other products – he still tries to sell this product to me. I mean WTF??? Really??? I’m not going to keep saying it’s upsetting me because – well, he won’t give a shit. I mean, clearly he doesn’t already or else he wouldn’t  keep doing it. So I was saying that this other hair gel that is otherwise good leaves my hair feeling hard, BOOM, there he goes again. Talking about this sodding gel. I’m sick of it. Ok, you don’t care about my job, but must you keep trying to force me into an emotional wreck too??

I had the urge to just head back to my flat, clearly yet again I’ve over stayed. But I was enjoying being around the kids so much. And I’d finally announced my new job on Facebook and had a wonderful response of support and encouragement. I felt loved, respected, people believing in me, people joining in my success, knowing how hard it’s been and how long and how hard I’ve been trying to find work. How my confidence has wavered and how many nights I’ve spent crying. Things are falling into place for me. My friends have been amazing, both here and overseas. I’m so lucky. So I have to think to myself – believe my friends, feel their love and support and forget the detrimental comments of my ex husband. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much. But I have my wonderful kids too that have been so interested in this job and have been really supportive of my interviews. 

So it’s my children and the support of friends that are keeping me focussed. I’m here another night because I want to be with my kids. Although I’m shut away again in the bedroom now they’re in bed, but I refuse to let S bring me down.

Tomorrow I’m heading back to mine. Friday I’m in a lecture and Friday night through the weekend I’m doing a personal development course. Entitled ‘Burn out vs self care’ it’s facilitated by the woman that does the monthly groups. Frankly I think the timing couldn’t be better, especially as I juggle professional life, study, my children and my ever complicated private life. It’s long days, but I hope to learn a lot and gain tools for good self care. Something I have put so very little into.

I’m truly so happy about this job, and I’m finally studying something that challenges me and interests me. It does feel that things are falling into place. I just wish S wasn’t able to get to me so easily. I guess it’s inevitable that I still care what he thinks and I’m still left reeling when he consciously disrespects me and my past. I just can’t get my head around his constant need to get at me. 

Time maybe. 

Grow stronger maybe.

I’m certainly on the right path, I just know I’m getting where I need to be. I just need to believe in myself. 

Lease

Today I signed the new lease on a flat. On a working farm, it’s tiny and with a flat mate. Something I never would have pictured for myself at this stage in my life. I was married, I’ve got my kids, I own and live in this beautiful sprawling house, breathtaking views, but I’m opting for a tiny place, with a farm hand in basically butt fuck nowhere.

I borrowed money from a friend for the deposit. Never in my life have I borrowed money – aside from the mortgage. I have given money. I have in the past given the last money I’ve had to people (but not told the person obviously). But I never want to be ‘that’ friend that would ask for something so private, so fundamentally wrong. The person I wanted to choose had to be financially savvy, that is, not someone on their last dollars, someone that could relate to my position and treat me the same somehow. Not a like failure, or a person to dodge in the future. I do feel like a failure in so many ways. She will get her money back in a few days. I don’t intend to hang onto someone else’s money for any longer than necessary. I also didn’t want the landlady to feel my expression of interest was insincere. I wanted to reassure her that I was interested as she had many other enquiries.

I wanted to back out before the time came. I’ve often when I’ve viewed the place thought of changing my mind. But something deep inside of me feels it’s right. It’s time. Perhaps that’s why I crossed my own boundary to ask for the money.

The kids have taken well to this new adjustment. I’ve been slowly planting seeds about how daddy and I adore them, and we’ll always be good friends, but now we can spend special time with them in special places. They have come to be comfortable in the knowledge that I will aways be around – and look forward to seeing the farm. And really, the arguments were getting worse. It was time for the kids to see us relaxed.

My own parents argued constantly, slept in separate rooms, barely spoke some times, were rude to each other and I asked them why they just didn’t divorce. I knew as I got older, it’s the fear. The loss of familiarity, the lack of trust in yourself, and the need to ‘hang onto’ the good times. I want the real.

When I knew our marriage was flailing, I was happy to dig my head in the sand. I wanted it to pass without tearful, profound discussion, promises of change, renewed hope. Then doing the same thing once that that stopped working. You know when you’re marriage is broken. You can fill the cracks, you can avoid the truth, but in time, everything catches up. All the doubts, the loneliness, the insecurity, the stored arguments, old resentments. It’s insidious. A dying marriage tries to hold on but when you realise there’s nothing left, it’s self destroying. Still I wanted our marriage to be different. Other people had always split us – but not us! We were seen as a stable team. The least likely to break up. We ourselves used to express shock and surprise how divorces and separations occurred around us. But we seemed immune to the virus. I guess the benefit of hindsight is always clearer. 

Today I went to the flat. So peaceful and scenic. Cute and homely. The furniture is tired but the stress feels removed. I feel my own brain absorbing the gentle noises around, the trees, the distant farm machinery. The landlady is amazingly warm and friendly. I feel safe here. My brain feels able to rest. 

When I drove away I knew I’d miss the flat. My house is just a house of bricks. I knew it would feel suffocating. And I knew S and I would talk about whether I wanted to watch television with him. No I don’t. I like to read.

This hasn’t been easy for me. I have wanted him to show some emotion, his faith in us. His raw determination to show me that something so strong exists between us, it not possible for us to live apart. I have tried to initiate that conversation. I have wanted to see the old him come out, love me, save me, do something. But there’s nothing. He may love me in his way, but I know he’ll never embrace me the way he used to, so powerful and tender. We haven’t been intimate for years. He’ll never be aroused by me. He’ll never kiss my lips again. I did try to kiss him on two separate occasions. To see I guess. Both were awkward and he didn’t reciprocate. He doesn’t want me. Where the old him had vanished to me, I guess he sees only a ghost of who I was. I’m assuming, he doesn’t tell me anything. 

Now I’ve signed the lease and made it further official.

I feel grief. I feel my life has changed irreversibly. I feel afraid.

But I don’t feel weak. I have spent days sifting through student loan paperwork, getting the correct Uni paperwork back from them. I’m finding out what my entitlements are. Whereas I’d usually get S to do all this for me. He’s not there for me any longer and I need to accept that.

I can understand why people stay together even though they’re not entirely happy. Financially, emotionally it’s much easier to hope that things return to normal. It’s better to be around someone then alone. It does become detrimental though. My confidence is shaken, the boundaries are blurred; are we friends? Flat mates? Exs living together? How much or little do we share about our days. As before I want to share everything with him, he’s my confidante and best friend. Tough day? Let’s get pizza and open some wine. But it’s not comfortable. I don’t know what he thinks, arguments about finances go beyond flat mate or friend territory, moods are taken out on each other, resentment fizzles below the surface. It’s unhealthy. And how can people think that staying together for the kids is going to work? Atmosphere, stress, moodiness, arguments behind closed doors. They will absorb that and I don’t want them having my childhood. I want them to hear our honesty, our love and commitment unwavering to them and that how we feel for them would never change.

So I have a few days, to sort out financial entitlements, I have an interview, I need to source a bed and I need to spend time reassuring my kids, and then uni starts.

I wish I could have been reassured by my parents. I wish I could be reassured now. But the people that don’t take time to step in and offer reassurance genuinely don’t care.

I think S will see he’s better off without me – if he even notices.

So onto a new chapter. My heart is heavy but when I feel weak I know I have fantastic friends that will keep me on track.

Sadly I do and will always love S. But something in him has changed. Perhaps my ugliness, the bad inside me has rubbed off onto him. Perhaps he just one day stopped loving me.

I hope I’m heading in the right direction. That’s all I can do.

Christmas pride and pain

This Christmas might just top it as worst ever.

I’m trying to be happy for the kids. I watched my son in a school concert yesterday that brought tears of happiness and pride. 

  
I’m so proud of my boy. He even got a surprise visit by Santa 

  
Of course the emphasis is on family and we were all there. The girls equally as excited and supportive of their brother.

But I didn’t miss the deep feeling of sadness. The reality of our last family Christmas.

S has finally sorted a lawyer. I’m annoyed it’s taken so long and it’s passed the deadline said by my lawyer, so in essence I’m still in limbo. Scared at what my future might hold. I don’t think he will move out as previously suggested. But I will move out. I don’t care anymore so long as we’re not living in this horrible situation. I don’t know who he is anymore, anything I do is wrong, and he seems so full of resentment and disdain for me. I feel suffocated.

I want us to sit the kids down after Xmas and reassure them whilst we love them all very much, their father and I have decided to be friends. I’d like them involved in the new property, so they know they have two homes, two safe places with people that love and adore them and that won’t change.

I felt sick with hurt and dread at the thought of losing my husband but now I know I’m doing the right thing for both of us. We will start hating each other if forced to live like this – and I’d really like it if we could maintain a strong friendship after so many years together. And I want the kids to know we’re United.

I want control back in my life. I want to be able to manage my finances and let go of this dead marriage. I want to move on, find my strength and the ability to live a healthy, normal life. I’m sure S wants that too, but he won’t do anything without a fight. I’m anxious about the court costs, but at least I know we’ll get a resolution one way or another and I will repay my debt. Eventually sell the house, and then we’ll finally be able to free of each other, aside from parenting our children.

I managed to see a dr for my migraine medication and I’m still doing my best to get up, live every day and not be sucked into the depths of depression.

I’m looking forward to the looks on the kids faces at Xmas. Im looking forward to sharing their joy and happiness. But I’m not looking forward to the gap between me and a man that used to adore me. That used to touch me gently and kindly. 

But I am looking forward to the new year. A new start, as terrifying as that might be. All I care about is supporting the children. The rest will fall into place.

I’m a single woman, but I’m confident of my strengths and I have amazing friends that have been supporting me all the way. And I have the most beautiful kids that deserve the very best parents – unfortunately in our case, the very best means not being together.

Hope for myself

  

This morning I had arranged to meet a friend for coffee. Prior to doing that I collected my medical certificate from my GP to send to the travel insurance (for my motorbike accident claim) and with little thought drove to WINZ (work and income New Zealand). I’m in dire need to find work and establish some financial security. With my husband so distant and uncaring, I feel vulnerable that he could pull the rug from me any time. We’re entering this stage where I realise I don’t know him at all anymore. 

I asked about help to find work, and they mentioned some sort of job seeking benefit in the interim but I realise it would be means tested and thus I wouldn’t qualify. Although I freely admitted our marriage was one of legality now, with no substance, and queried if that would make any difference.

It’s unlikely but I have an appointment to discuss my prospects. 

And that is the very core of my realisation. How can I chase a man that has left emotionally? How can I expect love, affection, guidance, support, when the very thing that powers that (love, respect, desire, regard) is gone?

My heart is closed down. Tired of the rejection and accepting the fate. There is no more I can do.

  
Before I’d take any sign of affection or sign of caring as a ray of hope. It’s time to stop that now.

  
The thing is. Cambodia taught me so much about myself and about my worth. And as I gradually lost my self belief when I got back to NZ, friends stepped in to remind me. 

I always thought I’d have my best mate and soul mate. I thought his love would never die. It has and I’m sure he’d blame me for that for all manner of reasons.

But i don’t need to be treated like a second rate nuisance. And I don’t need to tolerate the fact he has no regard for my confusion and need for communication.

So, while he’s busy living his life – which is clear I’m not part of, I intend to get busy living mine. I need to secure work, I want the best for myself. I deserve to be happy. I intend to focus on my friendships because ultimately they will be there for me.

And I need to take this journey of healing alone. 

How long our truce of being amicable will last I don’t know. At least we set Xmas as an objective.

But I know I’m missing so much, to be loved, to be cared for, to be held, to be comforted, to be touched, kissed, made love to. I’m being treated like a flat mate. But I’m a woman and I have needs. 

And frankly, this isn’t going to suit me for long. It’s not healthy or worth the pain. 

I don’t know what he thinks or feels. He refuses to discuss it. 

  
But for the first time, I find myself not terrified by this. 

I realise it’s just another chapter of my life. I can choose to let this destroy my very soul. Or I can manage the situation as tactfully as I can and seek a resolution that creates a compromise for us all.

It was a beautiful sunny day and after holing myself away yesterday, after seeing my friend for a few hours, I walked my dog to the river so he could get a nice refreshing swim

  
I felt calm and peaceful. And the sun warmed my shoulders, heat on the sore shoulder. I felt more determined.

I think I have begun to realise that I am not responsible for other people’s feelings and actions. I think I took so much blame for this state, I wanted to prove my worth, prove my regret, change his mind, reassure him, give everything I could. But I just end up hurt and dejected. Confused and more lonely.

I need to focus on my wellbeing.

Drained today

I’m feeling drained today. 

I’ve felt it all day. This evening’s class made more difficult by a student that didn’t want to turn his phone off during my lesson. And questioning my method. Both I was able to deal with directly and assertively but it added to my sense of being drained.

Thinking about classes, thinking about English, the exchange of money, the value of things, communication and cultural barriers. Never feeling entirely clean because of the filth and dust. And of course the ever present consideration and stress of back home.

I just didn’t get my flow going today. Everything felt like more hard work. I realise that’s a lot to do with it being the end of my first working week. I’ve had to learn so much, put so much energy into everything. By tomorrow evening I will be flat but relieved that I can relax a bit more. I hope to recharge and feel more into a routine.

Don’t get me wrong, my passion and intentions aren’t lost. But it doesn’t matter where you go or what you do, I think there’s always a period of feeling a bit drained. Especially when you put your heart and soul into something.

I miss my children. I miss affection. I miss deep personal bonds and connections. 

I have a base, but I don’t have a home here. 

The Mekong usually tranquil and peaceful is choppy today. Unpredictable, moody. I like to see the changes to the skyline and the water. But today it was more like me. Churning, different from the usual flow. 

I’m tired. Too tired to lose myself in a book or a movie. Too tired to think, to plan, to immerse myself or lose myself.

I hope to sleep peacefully. I hope to get through my lessons tomorrow with relative ease. 

I hope my family haven’t forgotten me. I hope they’ve not fallen into a routine that’s easy and realise I’m not actually worth much.

I hope I’m improving myself. Growing. Learning. But this evening I can’t see what I am, or feel my true self.

I think I need a good nights sleep. A bath would be nice too!