House

So I’ve secured a house! I can’t believe my good fortune, actually it terrifies me. Surely with something good comes something bad??

Paperwork is signed and I’m seeing the benefits office today to get help with the bond. I’ve done everything off my own back so far and I can’t begin to explain how much of an uphill battle it’s been.

I’ve sorted my utilities, now will be the big move from storage, which Steve has agreed to help with. 

Obviously I’m sad (again) that the house I owned with Steve, I’ll never live in again, but in time I’ll come to accept that. And Steve has asked me to look after the kids while he’s away, and I can do that at the house (as mine probably won’t be ready). So I get my kids for longer and get to enjoy the perks of the house!

My new home is small, older and in a nice neighbourhood. It seems quiet and is within walking distance of the train station. These are all huge pluses for me. The landlady seems really nice too.

I’ve gone about sorting the utilities, which felt nice to name a Home, as opposed to this motel.

My concern is a car. I’m using my parents rental, but they go soon so I’ll be without a car and I need one for work and driving the kids around. Steve has promised to help with that, but he’s promised a lot of things and not delivered, and my parents seem to have exhausted their reserves. They seem quite stressed about the outgoings piling up. I feel awful for putting them in that position. I feel quite useless and like I’ve failed them. But I hope in time I can redeem myself.

So today is benefits office and then therapy. Hopefully they will help lend me the money for the bond.

Then this evening I get my two youngest for the night, which will be awesome because I miss them terribly.

Advertisements

Reality

So my dad has booked the tickets and I’m beyond excited to see my babies again. It’s been too long and much longer than I anticipated. I keep imagining their faces, their warmth, even the way they smell. I won’t be able to get enough of them.

The hurdles that I have to deal with on my return are what are keeping me awake at night. I’m so glad my parents are going to be flying with me and have booked accomodation for us. That’s a huge weight off of my mind. But I have so much to organise in the short time they’re with me, seeing my lawyer, organising my medication and worse still, organising my own accomodation in the long term. I keep having terrible anxiety attacks and I’m barely sleeping. I feel deeply suicidal because I don’t know how I’m going to be strong enough to deal with all the shit, especially how Steve will inevitably treat me. I feel so vulnerable, so alone, so afraid of my uncertain future. But having my parents by my side in the start will help immensely. My focus is on my children and their love and excitement to see me back.

I am both relieved at the booked flights and equally terrified. There is something to be said for the ignorant sanctity I have been indulging in back home. Although I’ve obviously had guilt and uncertainty, the immediate concerns could be thwarted by delay. Now everything is speeding towards me like a jump from a tall building and I know this landing is also going to hurt.

I’m scared of my unknown future. I’m not strong like I used to be. Nothing is the same. And somehow I need to conjure the strength to organise everything in the short time that I have my parents both emotionally and financially. And I worry about the toll on them. They don’t have deep pockets, they’re old and deserve their peace. Not hurtling towards a car crash situation that’s geographically the furthest point away with a large potential financial burden.

I feel like I’ve let everyone down. I’m no longer the daughter to be proud of, the mother to be proud of and the woman to be envied because I had it all. I’m broken and I have nothing. I am nothing and I’m completely without direction. 

Aside from the warmth of my children – that is all I have to cling to.

Fighting

The UK continues to provide a good source of friendship and family and a nurturing environment. But I miss my kids so much I’m feeling the loss like a physical illness. I Skype with them almost daily and it’s not enough. I’m consumed with thoughts of them and can’t enjoy the simplest thing without wondering what they’d think.

Unfortunately S has gotten progressively worse and nasty and I know a cold, hard fight awaits me in NZ. The blows which he’s dealt have at times rendered me breathless and unable to see a way forward. It’s like his contempt of me grows daily and he’s trying to make me stay away by increasingly throwing obstacles at me. I can’t remember feeling as despised as I have been. And this thrusts me into a horrible quandary. I want to be with my babies but I need to be strong to face S and his hard hitting blows. I wonder if I’ll be able to survive it.

My kids are gutted as time goes on. They miss me and need me back. They don’t understand why I can’t afford a flight back, they don’t understand that I’m not allowed in the house – but their father has hired a live in nanny instead. It’s confusing for them. I can’t slate their father to them. I have to bite my tongue and say it’s all going to be ok.

But it’s never going to be ok. I had no idea how capable of change someone I once loved could be. Someone that used to make me feel safe and loved. Now I’m treated like something lower than scum. 

The whole thing is a brutal mess. 

I don’t regret coming back to the UK. It’s been a place that’s felt safe and where I’ve been reassured I’m not a bad person.

But going back will take some serious strength. And as any communication I have with S usually renders me in a state of panic and unable to function – I worry if I’ll ever be strong enough.

This is looking to be my toughest fight yet.

Bed

I’ve spent the day in bed. I’m in this horrible fog of missing my children terribly, grieving my marriage and feeling uncertain about my future. It’s all so over whelming so staying in bed seems like the easiest option. But I feel guilty because I know I should be doing more. It’s a cycle where I feel constantly miserable and can’t seem to find any solace.

I think my parents are struggling to understand this part of me. They’ve never seen how bad depression is and they probably think I’m being lazy and not even trying. I feel that way!

I’m not sure what the answers are. I’m not sure how to find any sort of peace. I should really catch up with some old friends, but I’m ashamed of what I’ve become.

My children miss me (although S has told me that they enjoy having his mother there) and I resent her for being in my place. Her place is unquestionably part of the family. Unlike me.

I just continue to feel really alone and I’m not sure anyone gets it. I keep remembering when S and I were here last time, so much pressure was on us. In retrospect I should have embraced my time in the UK, rather than seeing it as a punishment. I’ve made so many mistakes. Too many to begin to unravel.

Strangely the bad memories from my past aren’t playing a part. I’m still stuck in the recent past and present. Perhaps my brain has triggered a defence mechanism. Either way I’m grateful. I don’t need any of my past haunting me now.

So I’ve come all this way and inevitably depression has caught up with me and daily life is a struggle.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

In transit

I’m in Dubai now. It’s hot, and I’m sweaty and miserable. I couldn’t get comfy on the flight (I’ve not flown since I got so fat) and the service was pretty abysmal. I’ve flown Emirates back in the 90s and didn’t like it then. But it was part of a special deal. 

Surprisingly I don’t have flu symptoms yet, long haul and flu go together for me.

I’ve just had feelings of dread and regret in the air. I had a long wait in Auckland, and just watched the new series of House of Cards, but I was still in New Zealand so the gravity didn’t really dawn on me. On the flight I knew by each minute I was going further and further from my children. The regret was just as oppressive and added to my claustrophobia. Especially as everyone else had kids on board. The reality also that there will be no more family vacations struck me pretty hard.

So perhaps my intentions were right, reality is already kicking my arse. My marriage is over and there will be no more family holidays. No more S and I managing the kids. I kept having the urge to cry but fought it off. There will be lots of tears when I land. If I ever land. 

I used to love flying. It’s just watching movies and having a waitress! But now it feels painfully long and uncomfortable. My weight is probably a big contributor to that.

You’d think in times of stress I’d lose weight, but instead I get fatter, and I’m not moving much either. The last few weeks have been spent mostly in bed, so the airport transfers alone are making me walk more than I do in a week. 

My anxiety has been really bad. I’ve been shaking and bordering panic attacks. I was a seasoned traveller. I’ve been all over the globe and I used to storm through airports. Now I’m shaking, sweating, my chest is tight from panic. I feel more alone than I ever have. Everything has fallen apart. I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m ashamed of what I’ve become. I see more clearly what S sees when he looks at me and I can understand his disgust. I’m nothing like the girl he married. I’m pretty revolting as it goes, and my passion for life is dead.

I owe my children more than this. When did I become so selfish? When did I let myself go so much? When did I stop living? 

I hate myself, I hate what I’ve become. My children deserve so much more.

I hope that I can find my way back to myself. If nothing changes after this UK trip, after all of this discomfort and hellish travel, I don’t know what I’ll do.

I miss my children and the unconditional love they give me. But I need to be better for them.

More low?

So I wasn’t entirely forthcoming about something else on my blog, something I kept to myself. I saw my GP about reoccurring eczema on my breast and she referred me to a mammogram. I had that today and got the all clear. I didn’t want to write about it because I didn’t want anyone to know. Last night I hardly slept at all thinking about it. Not just the outcome but the test itself. Turns out the test wasn’t painful, it was quick and the woman was really friendly.

To be honest, I couldn’t have fought anything else. I’m on a losing streak with this depression. I can’t face the days, everything overwhelms me, everything is grey. 

Yesterday I had to pick the kids up early again because I had an appointment, this time with the benefits office. They won’t help with the ‘scungey’ flat, so I’m back to square one. I’m now officially homeless. Squatting at my ex husband’s. I honestly don’t think life can get much worse.

All of my crap is in storage, even clothes so I barely change. Goes with my barely showering. I’m a complete shambles.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I keep being rejected, smacked by the face and pushed down. 

Misery and pain

After a long night last night spent in the emergency department I finally learned that my arm was indeed broken so I have a plaster on and tomorrow I have to go for a CT scan. While I sat waiting for the doctor I felt like a huge burden to the hospital and started crying and almost in a panic attack I’m not sure why I felt so unsure of myself and the emergency department but I just felt like I shouldn’t of gone and I was just a burden.  I suppose yet again that’s the depression rearing its ugly head making me believe that I’m not worthy of the care and  attention of the hospital staff.

I didn’t get home until well after midnight last night I was absolutely shattered and then this morning I have to get up to get the children to take them to school for the first day back after the school holidays.  Driving is really difficult with one arm in plaster but I was able to get the kids to school and sat in their assembly for awhile but it was so busy in there so crowded that I felt claustrophobic are seeping in.  Harry kept trying to fall asleep on my bad arm which added to my pain and sense of claustrophobia I was started to become desperate to get out of there plus my phone was ringing constantly adding to my distraction.
I took a brief interlude to check one of my phone messages and it was a rejection of the job interview that I went to which just seemed to be more cutting then it would normally and I knew I had to get out of the school before I started to cry.

Unwilling to leave Harry in the shambolic set up and knowing that I was upset I took him with me and we started on a voyage to pick up various prescriptions and do various chores throughout the day.

By midday both of us fell fast sleep in bed it felt like a huge day and my arm was so painful sleep was the only thing I wanted to today.

Fortunately S has finally decided to take the morning off of work to take Harry to his new school and spend some time with them there which I’m really grateful for because S is in a far better place mentally than I am.

I spoke to the psychiatric nurse today and after consulting with my psychiatrist they have decided to increase some other medication plus at a low dose add another antidepressants to help with the pain of my arm.

I don’t like taking all of these pills, I have so many pills to take on a daily basis but at the moment I would take anything to make me feel better than I do at the moment.

I still felt like my whole world is falling apart and I can’t see a positive future for me I can’t find a house I can’t get a job and I just feel useless and a burden to everyone around me.

Tomorrow I have the CT scan which I’m very anxious about but if it helps to ultimately diagnose and heal my arm of course that will be my motivation.

I feel like I’m being sucked down into this dark pit and absolutely nothing I do or say will help.  The sadness is so I overwhelming that I’m constantly in tears or fighting back tears.

Panic attacks are always on the forefront of my mind and I easily find myself gasping for breath if I feel a situation is out of my control or if I just have a worst case scenario playing out in my head.  I feel like I’m failing everyone and I feel like I’m not really living and I have no idea how to make any of this go away.