Something clicked for me, finally. I argued with S on Thursday afternoon. I had been at the house looking after the kids after school. I resisted the urge to tidy their rooms and do the laundry. It amazes me how he can leave the house in such a mess and the kids rooms with lights still on, curtains still drawn. No organisation, no care. It was really hard not to get on and organise things. But I refuse to play housekeeper when I’m there now. I’m tired of being taken advantage of.
He knew that I still hadn’t signed paperwork on the house and did his sad, woe is me face, why couldn’t I just do this one thing for him? Usually I would have seen that as sincere, an honest attempt to show his broken heart and see him as a lost soul. But instead I found it grating. I told him he couldn’t blame me anymore for everything in his life, that when I left for good, and he lost his job (which he will, he’s never been able to keep a job – that’s my fault of course) and when everything turned to shit, I wouldn’t be there to blame. So who would he blame? His parents? The kids? A lawyer? A boss? I’ve heard blame passed a million times over. I told him I was sick of the manipulation, sick that I had spent the last year wallowing over our marriage, blaming myself, making myself feel like crap, when really this marriage would have ended sooner if he’d had the balls to walk away sooner. He was just biding his time until I couldn’t take living in a soul less marriage any more and moved out. Then he could blame me.
I told him his family were welcome to him, they were all psychopaths, incapable of feeling, incapable of feeling anything for anyone.
The following day his lawyer forwarded a scathing email from him. Blaming me for all the debts, using credit cards (I didn’t even know the PIN for, or in fact even existed), saying I knew about the tax situation, etc. I had seen for the first time accounts in my lawyer’s office a couple of days prior. He blamed me, it pulled me apart and accused me of ending our marriage. It was vitriol, it was callous, and to add good measure he mentioned an amount that I’d used to fight my sexual assault case, of which I’ve never seen the proof of, and made it sound like I was even responsible for our family holiday to Fiji! I’d never even wanted to go to Fiji!
I responded in a moment of hurt, angry, betrayed and confused.
It stayed with me all day, my lawyer was in court so I couldn’t even talk it through with her. I did call S and he told me he had typed it out in anger to get at me. I told him I would NEVER give him what he wanted. Then he proceeded to text me, so I blocked him, he called, he emailed. Each tone was meant to be ‘loving’ and create a communication. It was fake.
I picked up the kids and I was short, impatient, miserable. As they tried to engage with me, I kept feeling tears building up. I kept thinking about the emails, the pain, the frustration. More than that though, i guess it was the final tangible proof for me that even if he ever did love me, it was a long time ago. The man I used to know was so far gone, so vengeful, so self entitled, that he was unrecognisible.
I shut myself in the bathroom. Sat on the floor and sobbed. I sobbed for the loss of someone I never really knew at all. I sobbed because I knew I had lost everything. I sobbed because I was failing my children. I sobbed because I couldn’t carry on. I emailed my lawyer and told her it was over. I was going to give in.
I emailed his lawyer and told him he could have what he wanted (he usually gets what he wants). I didn’t want to fail my children anymore. I don’t want anything to do with him anymore. Seriously if it wasn’t for the kids, I’d have been done with him forever. But I’ve insisted that communication will just relate to the kids now. If he harasses me anymore, I’ll take a PO out against him. I’m done. I’ve over it. Him and his parents can live in their sordid little world forever.
I cried for another hour or so. But then I felt an unusual peace take over.
It’s over. He can take the clothes off of back if he wants. I will no longer be made to feel worthless, to have my dignity ripped away from me.
He’s not worth my energy. He’s not worth my time.
I have my youngest here this weekend and for once I will not be thinking about him and his contact
I will find full-time work, I will start from scratch. I will organise custody, I will start my life from new.
I am no longer holding onto any loose ends. I don’t love him anymore. I’m not even sure I can muster the energy to hate him.
I have my wonderful children and all I care about is their and my future.
My life starts here.
S goes back to suckling on his mother breast.