Finally, the end!

Something clicked for me, finally.  I argued with S on Thursday afternoon.  I had been at the house looking after the kids after school.  I resisted the urge to tidy their rooms and do the laundry.  It amazes me how he can leave the house in such a mess and the kids rooms with lights still on, curtains still drawn.  No organisation, no care.  It was really hard not to get on and organise things.  But I refuse to play housekeeper when I’m there now.  I’m tired of being taken advantage of.

He knew that I still hadn’t signed paperwork on the house and did his sad, woe is me face, why couldn’t I just do this one thing for him?  Usually I would have seen that as sincere, an honest attempt to show his broken heart and see him as a lost soul.  But instead I found it grating.  I told him he couldn’t blame me anymore for everything in his life, that when I left for good, and he lost his job (which he will, he’s never been able to keep a job – that’s my fault of course) and when everything turned to shit, I wouldn’t be there to blame.  So who would he blame?  His parents?  The kids?  A lawyer?  A boss?  I’ve heard blame passed a million times over.  I told him I was sick of the manipulation, sick that I had spent the last year wallowing over our marriage, blaming myself, making myself feel like crap, when really this marriage would have ended sooner if he’d had the balls to walk away sooner.  He was just biding his time until I couldn’t take living in a soul less marriage any more and moved out.  Then he could blame me.

I told him his family were welcome to him, they were all psychopaths, incapable of feeling, incapable of feeling anything for anyone.

The following day his lawyer forwarded a scathing email from him.  Blaming me for all the debts, using credit cards (I didn’t even know the PIN for, or in fact even existed), saying I knew about the tax situation, etc.  I had seen for the first time accounts in my lawyer’s office a couple of days prior.  He blamed me, it pulled me apart and accused me of ending our marriage.  It was vitriol, it was callous, and to add good measure he mentioned an amount that I’d used to fight my sexual assault case, of which I’ve never seen the proof of, and made it sound like I was even responsible for our family holiday to Fiji!  I’d never even wanted to go to Fiji!

I responded in a moment of hurt, angry, betrayed and confused.

It stayed with me all day, my lawyer was in court so I couldn’t even talk it through with her. I did call S and he told me he had typed it out in anger to get at me.  I told him I would NEVER give him what he wanted.  Then he proceeded to text me, so I blocked him, he called, he emailed.  Each tone was meant to be ‘loving’ and create a communication.  It was fake.

I picked up the kids and I was short, impatient, miserable.  As they tried to engage with me, I kept feeling tears building up.  I kept thinking about the emails, the pain, the frustration.  More than that though, i guess it was the final tangible proof for me that even if he ever did love me, it was a long time ago.  The man I used to know was so far gone, so vengeful, so self entitled, that he was unrecognisible.

I shut myself in the bathroom.  Sat on the floor and sobbed.  I sobbed for the loss of someone I never really knew at all.  I sobbed because I knew I had lost everything.  I sobbed because I was failing my children.  I sobbed because I couldn’t carry on.  I emailed my lawyer and told her it was over.  I was going to give in.

I emailed his lawyer and told him he could have what he wanted (he usually gets what he wants).  I didn’t want to fail my children anymore.  I don’t want anything to do with him anymore.  Seriously if it wasn’t for the kids, I’d have been done with him forever.  But I’ve insisted that communication will just relate to the kids now.  If he harasses me anymore, I’ll take a PO out against him.  I’m done.  I’ve over it.  Him and his parents can live in their sordid little world forever.

I cried for another hour or so.  But then I felt an unusual peace take over.

It’s over.  He can take the clothes off of back if he wants.  I will no longer be made to feel worthless, to have my dignity ripped away from me.

He’s not worth my energy.  He’s not worth my time.

I have my youngest here this weekend and for once I will not be thinking about him and his contact

I will find full-time work, I will start from scratch.  I will organise custody, I will start my life from new.

I am no longer holding onto any loose ends.  I don’t love him anymore.  I’m not even sure I can muster the energy to hate him.

I have my wonderful children and all I care about is their and my future.

My life starts here.

S goes back to suckling on his mother breast.

I’m free.

Sins of the husband

So a few things have happened. And again its been insightful, albeit a tough lesson.

On Tuesday I had a wonderful day with my son, I took him to see what will be his primary school and he seemed really excited, although unfortunately we missed his sister.  J is doing so much better in that school and the children always seem so happy in there.  H found cars, so he was pretty relaxed!

After that we had brunch in a new cafe, just my boy and I, in which the staff showed him a fairy door and the magic fairy left H a lollipop – he and I were both equally excited!!, we went to the park as Spring gave us a much-needed reminder that summer is on the way.

It was a lovely day and I was able not to mull over the upcoming meeting with my lawyer.  For a few hours I was a mother to a beautiful boy enjoying the sun.

Because S had demanded this earlier ‘urgent’ meeting otherwise ‘it would be my fault that he lost everything’ –  I insisted he leave work early as I didn’t intend to take the kids with me.  He obliged but funnily enough as he rushed in he needed to make an urgent phone call and expected me to hang around.  Er, no.

His lawyer had made certain demands, and also hinted to my lawyer that his client was ‘insistent’ on getting these things wrapped up as soon as possible.

For two hours I trawled through finances, communications, his negotiations.  I’ve never been privy to this information before.  It was quite insightful.  It’s amazing how I am to blame for so many things I knew nothing about! His parents as anticipated were trying to create a back door way in and stake a claim the house, pushing me out.  Which won’t happen.  My lawyer was fantastic as usual.  Very calm and methodical.  I broke down and cried. Not because of grief anymore but because of my own stupidity.  You can never really know anyone.  And I didn’t know him at all.

Nothing can you prepare you for that.  I’ve had all of these awful experiences in my past with men, but I genuinely believed that in S I had found a soul mate.  A kind, compassionate man with integrity and loyalty.  The facts speak for themselves, he’s immature, he has no sense of accountability and he’s happy to continually twist the knife.  I’ve constantly been blamed, been shamed, been treated like crap so he can not face his own recklessness.  So he can use the system, not take any responsibility and ultimately rely on Mummy and Daddy to pull him out.  How can I have let this go on for so long?  How can I been so ignorant?  This wasn’t a relationship built on love and honesty.  This was built on lies, betrayal and immaturity.

By the time I left the lawyer’s office, drained, I wandered around the supermarket. I felt like I had seen yet another level of deception.  There is no safety, no comfort zone, no one to turn to.

When I got home, I didn’t have the kids.  Initially I parked the car and then sat in there and cried.  Like a stone finally hitting water.  The impact rushed at me.  I dragged myself inside and I just lay on the bed and stared at the ceiling. No feelings, no thoughts, just quiet.  I had written a Facebook status saying I would never get married again, and I was amazed by the rush of support.  Clearly people are seeing things in my marriage that I didn’t.  Or chose not to and are only voicing that now.  Another shock.  Who is this guy?  My answer I know now is, he’s the father of my children and someone who I used to know.

Eventually we text each other and I wasnt surprised at all to get a barrage of how everything was my fault, how he was the innocent party, in my silence, he text more and more about how I had screwed things up for him and how his job was at risk, the house, etc. etc.  I was too tired to give him anything other, then fine.  You’re right.  I have nothing more to say on the matter.  I actually didn’t.  Words are meaningless.  My lawyer keeps saying, actions mean everything.  And his actions have shown me how little regard he has for me.

My lawyer has requested the basics, a house evaluation – he wasn’t even going to do that! And yet still expected me to sign the house away.  Even the debt in taxes includes the period we’ve been separated – which is incorrect and these claims he made in support from the government???  How can he do that without my consent?  How did I get pulled into his mess?  Marriage – sucks you right in with the other person.

I’m relieved I have this lawyer.  I would have broken down and given in ages ago, but she’s advocating for me, shes explaining things to me. She’s giving me the sense of empowerment – no I won’t be rail roaded.  I will stand up for myself.

I was in bed by 8.30, I was shot to pieces.  I had my hospital appointment the following day, I’ll write in a separated blog!

 

Aftershock 

Yesterday I felt emotional and drained after my traumatic night. I came back the house to do the laundry and I was surprised to see S here. I ended up sobbing to him about how sad and scared I was. He gave me comfort, but there felt an ‘obligation’ to it. Not the warmth and concern as he’s displayed previously. As in, a long time ago. I tried to initiate conversation about how he was feeling and he ended up unleashing his tirade on me about everything being my fault. About my selfish needs and all of my mistakes. I tried to acknowledge his anger and resentment but I wanted some clarity on how he feels aside from his anger toward me. He shut down and I ended up feeling more unwelcome and upset.

I desperately needed sleep though and despite feeling his clear disdain of me, I wanted to sleep at the house. I fell asleep after crying again. I slept deeply for a few hours, no nightmares. And only awoke when S told me he was going to get the kids.

We had planned to rent a trailer and pick up a second bed for my house. I’m keen to have the kids over as soon as possible and was delighted with a bargain I’d found online.

We all left in the cold, wintry night. On arriving 40 mins later to the place the rain came down heavily. S had been unable to get a covered trailer. But I figured the bed could dry at my house.

I’ve pulled a trailer with a bed in before, in notoriously strong Wellington winds and had to take it really easy. S promised he was keeping an eye on the trailer. On the motorway he suddenly shouted that the mattress had gone. There was nothing to do, but me getting out with my torch and walking the side of a busy motorway at night  with freezing rain pouring down. I was anxious about someone swerving to avoid our mattress and have an accident so that’s what kept me focused.

Despite our best efforts, the mattress was gone. I think someone stopped and took it. There’s no other explanation. And what a great find! But I was terribly miserable. I felt the loss could have been avoided. I felt annoyed at the waste of money, and I felt annoyed that S hadn’t tried another service station to get a covered trailer. I have to worry about every last cent at the moment and to me id just lost money. Worse still, I lost the opportunity for the kids to stay over sooner.

It just added to my overall despair. 

I did spend the night at the house. I needed to be around my children. I needed the affection and noise, the chaos that comes as being part of a family. And I needed to feel that I wasn’t alone.

I took a sleeping tablet and fell deeply into sleep. No nightmares, and this morning I had wonderful long cuddles with my boy as we curled up and lay in together.

I’ve been avoiding contact with my friends, not using social media, and forwarding my calls. I feel like no one understands what I’m going through. I feel like I can’t fake enthusiasm and interest. I don’t want to hear cliches and I don’t want reminding that S doesn’t care about me and he doesn’t have to, as my friends like to point out. No one I know has separated/divorced with children in the mix. And I’m sure no one has been as close to their partner as S and I were. 

Today I feel a bit detached and disassociated. I’m trying to be ‘present’ and feel but I am  just overwhelmed.

And yes, I’m failing with my move and adjustment.

Work is quiet and study has stopped until the second trimester in July.

Tonight I’m going to a psychodrama workshop. I hear it’s very helpful and I’m willing to try anything.

So at the moment I’m free falling. It’s fast, it’s terrifying, disorientating and lonely. I have no safety net, no one to reach out to. But if I don’t carry on putting foot in front of the other, I’m scared I’ll stop. I’m scare I’ll lose all hope and I’m scared I won’t get up again. I’m running on fear and anxiety and I don’t know when I’ll ever have a sense of normality.