Leaving NZ

I’ve managed to use the last of my money and scrape enough for a UK flight. One way. I’m going to miss my children desperately. They’re my only reason for living. Without them, I’m nothing. 

But I can’t carry on down this path of destruction. I have lost everything and I have nothing else. I can’t see a way out of the storm and I’m so tired. I hope that being home I can rest, I can grieve and I can find myself again. I’m failing as a mother all the time now. I can’t keep letting my kids down. One day, I want them to be proud of me. At the moment it hurts to breathe. I can’t imagine ever enjoying life again.

So I leave next week. The warewolves in NZ won’t be able to get me there, although I have plenty of demons I need to excorcise in the UK. Strangely that seems easier to comprehend right now.

I will return to my babies when the time is right. I have not given up on NZ. But right now, it’s not my home. I’m miserable and I’m not niave, that will follow me home. In fact for at least the first few weeks I know I’ll be inconsolable. But it’s a tidal wave of grief that needs to be felt and nurtured.  I don’t belong anywhere. But at least I can find solace in where I originate from.

I don’t know if it’s the right or the wrong thing. I can’t trust my judgement, I can’t handle decisions. I’m overwhelmed and over wrought. But I’m doing the only thing that makes sense. I’ve hit so many blocks, there comes a time when picking up and starting over no longer works, even for the strongest. Something needs to give. I only hope with all my heart that a few weeks away will give me some peace and the ability to find my fight again.

More low?

So I wasn’t entirely forthcoming about something else on my blog, something I kept to myself. I saw my GP about reoccurring eczema on my breast and she referred me to a mammogram. I had that today and got the all clear. I didn’t want to write about it because I didn’t want anyone to know. Last night I hardly slept at all thinking about it. Not just the outcome but the test itself. Turns out the test wasn’t painful, it was quick and the woman was really friendly.

To be honest, I couldn’t have fought anything else. I’m on a losing streak with this depression. I can’t face the days, everything overwhelms me, everything is grey. 

Yesterday I had to pick the kids up early again because I had an appointment, this time with the benefits office. They won’t help with the ‘scungey’ flat, so I’m back to square one. I’m now officially homeless. Squatting at my ex husband’s. I honestly don’t think life can get much worse.

All of my crap is in storage, even clothes so I barely change. Goes with my barely showering. I’m a complete shambles.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I keep being rejected, smacked by the face and pushed down. 

Pointless

So the cottage is empty. Bar a few breakables that I’ll pick up tomorrow. I can’t express how difficult it felt to get up and get motivated. I ended up having to pay for the complimentary truck because I went out of the area, so my bank balance took another unexpected hit. I nearly cried. But that’s life with crushing depression, crying over everything. 

Driving the truck, even though it was a relic was quite nice. I was alone and it was peaceful. I’m definitely not into company at the moment. 

A friend of mine came along and him and S did most of the heavy stuff, as my stupid hand is still stuffed. I threw stuff in boxes and bin bags. I’ve moved so many times it’s just second nature now. I felt deeply sad though. It’s a long weekend here (Queens birthday weekend) and it’s a time when families do stuff or couples go to DIY stores to work on their homes. These used to be weekends I looked forward to with S. He’s non plussed about that. He was just fed up to be helping me move again. He was giving me these looks of disgust and it was clear I was the biggest thorn in his arse. I just wanted to curl up and cry. When did he hate me so much?

It took two trips over the mountain. I thought the day would never end.

Today I’m in bed. I can’t be bothered to shower. 

I had some post, a letter telling me that I have got points on my license. The cop told me I wouldn’t get points because it was a court thing. So now I have a conviction and points. What is the f-cking point anymore? I literally can’t take anymore.

I am falling from one disaster to another. There’s nothing to look forward to. No purpose to my life. I can’t be bothered trying anymore. It’s leads to nothing and I get let down and disappointed again. I prefer to spend my time sleeping. 

It’s 5pm and I’ve finally showered and gotten out of bed. The kids have been off school today for a staff training day and I’ve not had the energy or sheer physical capacity to join them. 

Tomorrow I’m moving my stuff from the cottage into storage. It’ll be a monumental job that’s not even been started yet. I can’t even imagine getting through it at the moment. 

I’ll move into a flat next week. Which gets me out of this house, but I’m not looking forward to it. At least I can be hidden away.

I am seeing the benefit office next week too, which puts me where I never saw myself, living off the government. My life has become a series of disappointments and I can’t work out how to change the path I’m on. I’ve tried applying for jobs, I set my heart on a break home, but it seems nothing I do works. 

Maybe I need another medication review?

I’m so afraid of continuing this miserable existence. Of basic showering and hygiene feeling like huge tasks. I don’t even know who I am or what I want anymore. Nothing has a purpose. 

Will this ever change?

Life sucks

So I’m going to have to cancel my (half a flight) back to the UK, which will give S further reason to hate my guts. I will never afford the rest of it and I’m scared I won’t be able to afford to return. Because S used air miles, he loses $150 of air points. Plus he’d already paid taxes. I’m really gutted because I needed that trip. Any break would be good about now.

I didn’t get that third job, so that’s a clean 3/3 rejections in one week! I’m dejected and tired from managing everything including dragging the poor kids around after school. A drs appointment for me (we waited over an hour) the kids were so tired and hungry. Then yesterday Caitlin had her follow paediatrician appointment after all the heart investigation tests. It all looks positive and there’s no need for concern, but it turned into another long afternoon after school. 

I did get my car back from being impounded after my incident with the police, so that’s another load of money down the drain. I still need to pay a deposit on a flat.
Tomorrow I’m back to physio for my hand, which is still painful and useless. I can’t write properly and it hurts.

Everything just feels like such a struggle. 

I don’t know what else I can do. I’m trying but it feels like something else comes up and smacks me around the face.

Waking up

Ok, so I’m feeling the low big time again. I spent the weekend in bed, I mean, screw it. I’m  in a house I’m not welcome in, and I don’t have the inclination to ‘pretend’ that I’m ok. Although S was constantly asking if I was in a ‘mood’ – I swear that guy has had his sensitivity chip removed. Just because he’s all happy and good with life, doesn’t mean I’m heartless like that too. It is a REAL struggle for me. Both the depression and the grief.

This morning he took the kids to school, so I stayed in bed. Again, screw it. What reason do I have to get up? 

I’ve not gotten 2/3 jobs I interviewed for, no surprise. Just waiting on the third rejection. So I foresee a future on benefits. That should bother me, but I’m not really a contributing member of society and I’m not likely to be.

I see my friends have all but given up on me. I rarely get messages, I’ve not been invited out since god knows when, despite being there when friends have needed me. That’s fine, it’s not like I’m good company anyway.

Hopefully when I move into my flat I can just pale away into non existence. The kids don’t need me and S can’t stand me. So I’d rather just slink away and be left alone.

I hate my life. It’s absolutely pointless. Maybe one day I’ll be lucky enough not wake up one morning.

Court

I had an interview yesterday afternoon, the company works around mental illness so it would be something I’d be passionate about. But there were 5 candidates and frankly I just think I wasn’t experienced enough. I struggled to come up with examples of historical work place incidents again and the air got thicker and I shrank more and more. The interviewers pens scribbled less, and I knew at times I’d lost members of the panel. Again, it’s hard not to feel bad about it. I haven’t got what it takes – I can’t fake it. That’s just the truth of the matter. I am starting to feel the crushing realisation that I might never work again, and am finally making steps to apply for disability. Something I’ve avoided for so long because I didn’t want to admit my position. I’ll still send my CV out but I’m not positive at all. I’m not even sure what I want to be doing anymore.

S is making it so blatant that he doesn’t want me around. I can’t even begin to express the toxic environment at home. I feel like such an unwelcome houseguest. I’m trying my best to avoid him. I had hoped to move into a flat on the weekend so I could be out of his way but he needs me Tues-Fri next week. What’s the point in paying rent if I’m going to be here?? He hasn’t even asked, just assumed I’d be ok looking after the kids.

This morning I had to leave early for court and I was using his car, he went nuts saying it sounded really bad ‘since I’d been driving it.’ Actually I’ve told him before it sounds bad, but he told me he had it serviced (even though the check engine light is continually on). He was so shitty with me and then told me it was a mess inside. His car is usually full of litter which I tidy out because it bugs me, there’s no litter in it, so I’m not sure why he made that comment. I felt attacked and useless again. On a morning where I definitely didn’t need it. He demanded I ‘drive straight back.’

The guy hates me like an enemy. An enemy he’s being forced to endure. It’s a difficult thing for me to process. But I refuse to break down and cry.

Court was its own nightmare. People were there with really serious charges, I was told by a duty solicitor that mine was ‘minor’ I’ve still ended up with a traffic conviction and $100 fine. Lucky the fine wasn’t too much, but a conviction is surely a conviction?? Traffic or otherwise. I have no idea how this is going to impact me. I’ll need to speak to my lawyer.

Afterwards I’d hope to secure my flat, I was shown three. One with windows almost against a wall so it was pretty dark, and the others so grotty and smelly. I’m waiting until Monday to view another one that’s come up, but this one is a studio. What does it matter? Without my kids I’m only going to lie on the bed all the time any way.

At least this week is over and I’ve survived it. I’ve certainly seen more action then I have in ages, which is kind of good considering how much I slept before.