Group

I went to the group session today and it was a complete waste of time. The group was dominated by this crazy arse woman that talked about her life, making a Steven Segal movie more believable. It was non stop. I eventually spoke up because it was clear everyone had tuned out, but I think the facilitator wanted to bring her under control more gently. Whatever. I used the time to browse rentals on the net. I really hate this house. It’s freezing cold, it’s layout is odd and there’s just not the room for my 4 children. It’s one of reasons I was always going back to the house. To escape my own home. I actually dread going back.

My good friend has come over and she is in complete agreement. It’s just not got a very nice vibe. But it has served its purpose, I needed a house quickly before my parents left and this was here. Hopefully being winter I’ll have less competition looking for a new place.

I had coffee with my friend at her place after group to debrief, it’s become our routine now. She could tell I was really down. I said I longed to return to the house, to the lights, the noise, my children, the warmth and broke down and cried as I seem to be doing constantly lately. She keeps reassuring me that this will pass. At the moment it’s hard to stay positive. I’ve had to stop the gym, stop looking for work and worry constantly about keeping my heart rate down. Why do I keep being beaten down?

I’ve taken to leaving the tv on at night, on a music channel. I can’t stand the silence and this seemed a good way to make the nights more bearable.

I just have to wait until Wednesday- then I should get answers and be able to resume trying to make a life for myself.

I am letting myself feel the pain, the sadness, the despair. It’s all uncomfortable but I can only heal from it by going through it. And I’ve spent too much of my life ignoring what’s in my heart. So whilst my physical world falls apart and my physical health is questionable, my mental and emotional well-being is being acknowledged. As long as I don’t go down again. That would be really bad.

And Steve continues to thrive and love his big, full life with no regard or compassion for me at all. It’s amazing how quickly some people can shut off. I wish he had half of my problems – that might be more humbling to him. But he’s destined to walk on water.

Life. Sucks.

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The email

To my counsellor

The MRI was as panic inducing as I expected. In fact I anticipated a seizure as a result of the huge stress on my body. Had it not been for  a friend holding my hand – I couldn’t have done it. The hole was so small and the noise just terrifying. But I am relieved it’s done. I’m also relieved that I didn’t have a seizure – this is surely a positive sign?

I heard on Friday night that the cop in England was found guilty. He will have a record and be unable to work for any police force, corrections, security type roles.

I’m still struggling with it. The guilty thing was decided which indicates he was in the wrong and I feel vindicated. Yet another part of me thinks that he is so less worse then the rapist. He was only ever nice to me – even when he was commanding. He manipulated me in such a way that he made me feel safe, even when he made me feel ashamed and dirty. How can that be? I hoped that Steve might see the ‘affair’ in a different light, that is, there was no black and white. But he has moved on/no longer cares. This outcome is something you and I need to discuss in more detail. Also, the investigating officer is calling me on Tuesday night to explain in detail what it all means and in her words ‘to ensure I have good support in place.’

It’s certainly been a roller coaster of emotions. The betrayal of good friends, the stress of the MRI, the results of the investigation and also learning that Steve is not and cannot be my ‘go to person’

Yet I still learn nothing. Today (Saturday) I longed for my family, for my role as mother and yes I admit I longed for a partner to bear part of my burden. I didn’t consider my fragile emotional/mental state. Instead ploughing on with my expectations.

My eldest C had horse riding and my other children wanted to go roller skating. I was happy to take C and then meet Steve and the kids at roller skating. I longed for the ‘normal’ family outing. Instead the complete opposite happened – as I’m sure you could have predicted. C fell off her horse, once I knew she wasn’t hurt I began a tirade of vitriol towards the horse she was on. My daughter was upset by my comments. She told me I ruined good things for her and that’s why she didn’t like me taking her horse riding. What could I say to that? I have let my own daughter down with my anger.

I was angry because I was scared for her. I couldn’t catch her, I couldn’t save her, so instead I placed all of my powerlessness at the horse. Plus the fact the damn horse did cause my daughter to fall!

So we drove on to roller skating. Her, refusing to talk to me. When we arrived H wanted to skate but my fears clawed at me straight away, the roller skates weren’t made especially for young children, there was no helmet, no pads! My little boy would be vulnerable. I think by this stage Steve saw me as a total nuisance.

I wasn’t needed. I was just a taxi, this was Steve’s show and I was encroaching. I didn’t belong.

Why did I have these ridiculous expectations? Why can’t I learn? This is not my family anymore. We’re not a unit. I am mother on my time, nothing more.

My friend S has continually been by my side, trying to keep me focussed on reality – I cannot appreciate her enough.

I left the skating ring. I didn’t want to physically turn away from my children, but I realised that this wasn’t my place. They had Steve and he was more than enough.

I got some wine and lie miserably on my couch. Images of England and what happened barking at my heels, my hidden fears about my health, the sense of loneliness and the pain. Reality fucking hurts.

The positive things to come out of this is that as we discussed I have taken some control over my death (if that was happen). I sat and wrote everything out. My wishes, the practical aspects, access codes. I saved it as a draft email. I won’t send until I’ve completed my letters to the children. But I know I have at least made things easier and there is less to worry about. In doing this I realised all of my outgoings, so I’ve had to face up to this and make some serious changes.

The week about starts next week as Steve isn’t travelling. I’m deeply saddened that it’s come to this. I grieve again for the home I’ve lost and the sense of partnership I imagined for myself. But I realise I can’t emotionally sever ties until I start removing myself from ties.

Tonight I feel a sense of relief that the week is all but over. I’m so grateful to the friends I’ve come to realise are true and can reach out too. But I’m so sad, so lonely and so fed up with myself (more than Steve is – which is saying something!).

I felt so much lighter after our last session and wanted to get down everything that’s happened to make some sense of it. To fill you in and get your much appreciated feedback.

If I don’t hear from you tonight (and that’s ok!) I’ll see you tomorrow,

Much love

Had the MRI

I’ve had the MRI. It was bloody awful. The hole was tiny and I could reach up and touch the top. I felt squished inside. And I had a bloody cage thing over my head. It was hard not to get into a panic attack, but my friend was able to sit in with me and she held my hand. Without her, I couldn’t have done it. I cried, I panicked and the headphones didn’t drown out the horrible noise.

Interestingly though, my body was under huge stress but I didn’t have a seizure. I really thought I might. My heart rate was extremely high while I just sat and waited, it would have shot up during that experience. I hope this is a very good sign.

The drive home took hours because it’s a long weekend and there was a crash. I just wanted to get home! Even to this horrible place I call home.

I’m going to watch a movie and then have an early night.

Anything else can wait.

Therapy

One of my friend’s messaged me, she asked how I was, I told her about the MRI and how scared I was – and she immediately offered to come with me. Even though it’s a different town. I’m so happy and appreciative of this. I didn’t expect anyone to drop anything and come rushing to my side, but I did expect friends to message me and ask how I was. I’m often seen as the ‘strong’ person, I’m assertive and usually very confident. But right now, I’m scared. I’m scared, vulnerable and feel very alone. I don’t trust my body, I feel so tired and sad.

Last night I barely slept, I was so scared that I was going to die in my sleep. I’m worried for my children, that would scar them for life. I’m probably being overly dramatic, but I just don’t know anything anymore. I’m ashamed to admit to being vulnerable. And I’m facing my fear head on. Crying when I need too, and speaking out loud about it.

Today I sat with my counsellor and let everything tumble out. My disappointment at the lack of support, my pain over Steve not giving a damn and my fears about the loss of control over my own body. I think this is one of the few sessions where I let my emotions rule. Usually I intellectualise everything in a bid to avoid the hard stuff. But I’m way past that now. It’s actually very freeing to say and feel whatever floats to the surface.

I’ve had a couple of jobs from applications ages ago come through and offer an interview. I’m still going for those. I can’t put my life on hold while I wait for test results. I need something else to focus on. I had all these plans, to get a job I loved, to eventually change my house and get a new car. I wanted to be living and succeeding. I was also using the gym to lose weight and get fit. But after the seizure, it felt like everything was slipping out of my hands. My body betrayed me. And then no one helped to pick up the pieces.

It feels like it’s one battle after another. I’m growing tired and disheartened.

I just want this MRI to be over and then to be told there’s nothing wrong with me, it was just a blip. A fall out from pushing so hard to get a job and pushing myself at the gym. Then I can find a healthy balance and take it as a warning.

But I feel valued by two of my very good friends, my therapist has offered support out of hours and then of course my CPN offered to come with me. I guess I’m not such a bad person.

Alone

I sat with my CPN today and cried. I felt so alone and so afraid for my health and my future.

I’d posted about the cardiology appointment on Facebook and received the obligatory public responses. Expressions from well wishers. But how many of these people contacted me privately and offered support? None. It was a stark reminder that I don’t have any true friends. My manager from my volunteer job text me and offered to go to the MRI with me! She’s my boss and even she offered more than anyone else.

I realise that I’ve continued to have high expectations of Steve. I always thought that he’d be the one that would always be there for me – as I would for him. But I’m continually disappointed. This health scare has really made me realise that he feels absolutely nothing for me – im merely existing in his world to look after the kids. I guess this is the final shove I needed to sever all of my emotional ties. I’ve decided to make the custody arrangements more streamlined. I won’t come up to the house anymore – it’s really causing me too much pain. And I won’t sit and wait all night for Steve to come home. So we’re doing ‘week about’ that is a week each in turn. And on my week, they’ll stay with me at my house. This won’t cause Steve any inconvenience, he’ll just have his mum come down. But I have to acknowledge that when they’re not with me, it’s nothing to do with me. It’s going to be hard (for me) but we need more consistency and I need defined boundaries. The weekend gone I stayed at the house because I was too scared to be alone. But it was clear that I was an inconvenience, Steve simply didn’t want me around.

I talked through all of this with my CPN, I talked about my fears, I talked about coming to a realisation about Steve, I expressed my sadness that I was so alone. Even my CPN offered to come with me to the MRI! So I guess I’m not totally on my own.

I’m seeing my counsellor tomorrow and I’ll go over this grief again. I’ve spent too many years bottling up emotions- that’s half my problem. It feels painful yet powerful to cry.

My children need me and they are my reason for being. But I’m so very tired of life. I’m sick of fighting all the time, I feel like my life is completely pointless. Even my own body is falling apart and is unknown to me.

Cardiology

I’ve just got back from the hospital for my cardiology appointment. I had an echo done and now I’m wired up to a portable heart monitor that I need to keep on for 24 hours.

The tech doing the echo wasn’t able to tell me if anything seemed off. But he told me about a few cases like mine. One guy his heart didn’t beat fast enough when he was exercising, one woman needed a pacemaker and another woman had epilepsy. All he said were fixable. Epilepsy is my worst fear. Next to a brain tumour I guess.

I’m having an MRI next Friday to look at potential neurological problems.

I’m impressed with how quickly the public system is moving. Hopefully it means I’ll get some answers sooner rather than later.

I’m a terrible claustrophobic, but the hospital staff have informed me that I can get a prescription for sedation from my GP. I’ve already made the appointment!

Last night I slept on Steve’s couch. I just couldn’t shake the feeling of doom, and fear of being alone and having a seizure. I guess I hoped Steve would be sympathetic and show me some compassion. He didn’t. I was left to lay on the sofa crying most of the night. It was nice to wake up in a house bustling with activity as my kids got ready for school though.

Facing something potentially life changing like this alone is a really terrifying prospect. Not least as I juggle PTSD which makes any medical processes feel even more invasive.

I feel like my life is on pause at the moment, and I’m restless and anxious.

Miserable

I saw my counsellor today and had a good cry about my fears surrounding the seizure. Living alone is so hard. I feel scared to sleep in case I don’t wake up, I’m scared I could pass out and knock myself out and literally no one will know until Steve needs me to get the kids. That’s all I am to him, a 24/7 nanny. He has no regard for my wellbeing at all. I’ve had to sit the kids down and explain what a seizure is and what to do. I feel a tremendous amount of pressure.

I’ve had a phone call from a cardiologist, I’m going in on Friday this week and Friday next week to have my heart monitored. I’m surprised they’re looking at my heart first. I’m sure nothing came up on the trace in the hospital. At least if it’s my heart it’s not a brain tumour. Steve will be disappointed, I’m sure he’s banking on me expiring soon, his family and him will dance on my grave.

How does it get to that? Your husband and best friend not giving a shit.

Last night I drove home in a terrific storm, thunder, lightening and wind. My worst fears. I could hardly see out my windscreen. I just hate this. All of this.

I can’t imagine things ever getting better for me. I’m struggling financially, my job hunt will have to wait until I find out what caused the seizure, I feel like I have nothing.

I was offered a great teaching job in China. It’s so tempting to say fuck it all and head over there. Actually enjoy my life for once. But now I have this health thing, it’s definitely off the table.

I took H to the dr today, he needs to have some blood tests done. Obviously he’s my priority now. I hope at the very least I can be there for my son.