Its my high school sweet heart’s birthday today. We’re Facebook friends. We don’t talk to each other, just the odd ‘like’ on comments. Way back when, everyone thought him and I would marry. We ‘dated’ as you do in school, often split up and then made our way back to each other. We were odd bods, which seemed to intrinsically link us. Where others saw him as frankly a bit crazy (a candidate for manic depression), I understood his ebbs and flows. His moods, and his little routines. And I think in that, he felt safe to be himself with me. Although he often chased the girls that were known for giving a bit more in the relationship physically, so to speak, he would often seek a respite with me. Perhaps that’s because I was pretty damn crazy myself! – And as for the all of the politically incorrect statements I’m throwing around, I’m referring to our time in school. Back then, labels weren’t applied, just observations. He wasn’t my first kiss, that was DL. A local boy who went to the same first school and then secondary school as me. I did think I was in love with him at the time. I remember him dancing with Samantha at a school disco to the Bangles and I cried like a baby in my heart-break. DL was also a larger than life character, he dabbled in some professional acting, and I believe does some acting now. But DL and the first love that I refer to, AB, didn’t get along. Perhaps their ego’s were too big for each other.
DL and I kissed in a cupboard for chairs one summer afternoon in a local village hall. I was so terrified, but so excited. We were dared to kiss. When the kiss happened it felt so forced, I didn’t feel all ‘floaty’ as I would have expected. I suspect he had kissed a lot of times before me. I was 13. I still picture it perfectly. The room, the chairs, the lingering dust, the warmth of a summer’s afternoon, the other kids daring us. It makes me smile. Of all of the boys, DL was a great person to share that moment with. A cherished fragment in a young life.
I never gave any thought to my first time sexually. It wasn’t something people talked about. Even AB chasing the other girls hadn’t considered sex, just even a look or a touch! – that’s his words!
Perhaps in a different world, AB would have been my first time. Beneath his boyish humour and manic ticks, he was sweet and gentle. We took many walks around the fields near his house, and not once in all of those times did he try anything. I always managed to feel safe around him. Even when he kissed me it never felt like a promise. Perhaps we were never meant to be more than a dance of what could have been. Certainly I have no doubt if we had have ended up together, it wouldn’t have lasted. We both share the same moods and egos. Both too passionate about our stances to back down. We would have come to hate each other. Both of us need someone calm, consistent and patient to counter our imbalance.
But life would have been better had I have chosen the person. If it was planned. And not necessarily even like in the movies, with the roses, candles and bed made by the fire.
This morning I went constantly into panic attacks. My son was sleeping soundly in the bed, so I had to go into the bathroom and try to get a grip. Then I got back into bed, drifted off to sleep and the same thing happened. I don’t know what triggered me. I guess a dream I had. But clearly a lie in this morning wasn’t going to happen.
Already triggered, I decided to unblock HIM [the rapist] on Facebook and look at his profile. See if anything significant in his life had happened, make sure we didn’t have any friends linked. I wouldn’t usually do this, S has always done periodic checks for me, but it’s not his place anymore. I need to bite the bullet. Of course with Facebook settings as they are, I couldn’t see much. Seeing his photos and I felt an odd shut down. In my mind his image is set to back then. His mouth, eyes, his demeanour is still clear in my head. So the photos are hard to place. I didn’t look for long, I didn’t want the revised image burned into my retinas. I didn’t want any image to cause me distress. So I didn’t find anything of interest. Unfortunately now with Facebook I have to wait 48 hours to block him again. So I live in fear of him seeking me out, I’m counting down those hours.
Seeing AB’s birthday was a reminder though of some of the better times in my young life. Some of the possibilities that could have been. But of course I feel sad, painfully sad for the loss of having a special memory for my first time.
S has decided to extend his stay in Auckland for another week. So I’m up at the house. I don’t have time to process any thoughts or feelings, and fighting this mood is difficult as I’m on call all the time. S has also not left much in the way of funds, which is really stressful for me. I had arranged for a babysitter to come on Sunday for a couple of hours so I could enjoy the women’s only swim, but I’ve had to cancel that, I can’t afford the babysitter. I’m a bit annoyed that the one thing I enjoy I can’t do.