The YMCA didn’t have any accommodation available for me and put me on the waiting list however they did provide me with a list of other places in the same sort of establishments as themselves. One of them I called and went to view today they are apartments in a slightly different city for me not too far away. Fairly scungey with the typical clientele but again I’m not fussy and I just don’t care any more all I need is a bed that I can stay and sleep in.  I literally don’t feel well enough to go househunting to put in application after application with hordes of people being rejected or hoping to be accepted for a good house so I figure this is a good stop in the interim and I will have to look after the children often but I’ll stay at the house while I do that so I haven’t got to take the children to my apartment.

I went on to the hospital after seeing these different places and had my CT scan on my hand so now I just have to wait for the results.

On the way home a trailer caught fire and I was the only person to stop and help even though I’m a female and my hand is in plaster.  This is the sort of behaviour that really reinforces my depression because it shows how more self obsessed people are and less caring of other people.

My hand hurts from all the driving today so I stopped and bought myself some wine for dinner tonight not overly healthy but I just don’t care very much anymore.

It seems the trailer is very much a metaphor for myself I am on fire and nobody is stopping to help.

Poem of mind and pain

The corridors are long and dark,

Demons linger, their meanings stark.

Passing doors where shadows lay in wait,

Full of anger and venomous hate.

There is no hope of escape,

Confronting the memories of violence and rape.

Feeling afraid and forever lost,

Her survival comes with a very high cost.

With no light to follow

or guides to rely on

She continues alone,

Her sanctuary unknown.

Dark is her enemy, the light is too strong,

Everything highlights all that is wrong.

She seeks compassion and care

she seeks comfort and repair.

She is damaged and broken,

Her fate is unknown,

deep wounds are left raw and unspoken.

Memories are nightmares and flashbacks replayed

Time still passes but the pain will never fade.

She needs to find her solace along the way,

Can hope possibly give her this day?

No one can see the madness she faces,

No one is able to visit these places.

For this is her walk deep within her mind

The atrocities and torture remain her only bind.

Although no can see the pain she endures,

And platitudes are lost over the dragon that roars.

Her mind is a maze of bitter twists and turns,

The pain is like fire leaving its burns.

Onwards she trudges in her daily fight

No one understands her, although try as they might.

She has to believe that she will get well

That demons will die,

and she will leave this hell.

For she believes that peace awaits her and she has to be strong,

She has to rise above all that is wrong.