I handed my notice in. It was a difficult decision because of my financial situation and because I do actually enjoy the job, just not the environment, but my mental health is too important and I’m just too miserable.
Today was my first day back following sick and annual leave. I absolutely dreaded it. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist first, and had emailed my boss to that effect. This morning I walked in at 10 and she ripped into me about how I should have been earlier, I told her that I’d said I had an appointment. She obviously hasn’t read the email properly. I thought, here we go. I’ve just come back from sick leave and the first thing she does is jump down my throat in front of everyone. I’ve since learned that my other colleague has also handed her notice in. Now she’s only got one team member left, so it’s going to be difficult for her. With the high turn over and current situation, you’d think questions would be asked. The CEO has also resigned, so I’m not sure how this company will survive. That’s not my problem obviously!
My psychiatrist has put me back on Effexor – the brand, not just a generic. I’m hopeful that this will improve my mood. It’s been a tough few weeks, I’m barely functioning. Today was a real test going into work. I resisted it the whole way. My anxiety was through the roof. The next two weeks are going to be really long.
Steve has taken my children away for a short break. I was devastated when they left. I feel like I should be there. It sickens me to miss out on their experiences and memories. I hate not being in a family anymore.
I did take the kids camping, but I’m not sure that they really enjoyed it. I think they’re too used to their luxuries. My eldest asked to be taken home the next day, and the others just seemed to be enduring it for my benefit. And it was really hard for me. Obviously I had to fight the urges to just lie down and do nothing. It’s really hard having a large family and terrible depression. I cried my eyes out after I’d dropped them off. Another sign I’m failing them as a mother.
I’m not sure what I’ll do next. I’m going to look for part time work. I’ve really lost my way at the moment. I’d love to be able to travel again. That’s where I was happiest. But I couldn’t leave my children.