Fighting intrusive suicidal

Thoughts. How easy would it be to step in front of a train? I’ve checked the train table, I could be there in time. I wouldn’t have to face the new year. I could leave the kids with good memories. There’s nothing keeping me here. My life is miserable and hard work.

I don’t know what keeps me here.

I feel like I need to hold on. But for what? Nothing is clear.

Advertisements

Home

I’m home now. It’s late, and very dark (more than usual, the street lights are off). It adds to the crushing feeling in my chest. I just left the bright lights and warmth of my children. It’s so nice to go to bed in the same house and wake up in the same house as all of them at the same time. I miss my family. Even Steve was being really friendly and more like the old him. We fell into our usual patterns and it felt easy.

I’ve long since deleted Tinder. I’m not ready to date or see who’s out there. I’m too focussed on my family. I just cannot see myself with anyone else. And I have no sexual desire anyway.

Steve is taking the kids to Napier tomorrow. They’ll be gone until 3rd of January. I’ll miss them painfully. Although this year I intend on seeing the new year in as opposed to sleeping through it. I don’t know what the new year brings – but it has to be better for me.

I’ll probably divide my time between my house and Steve’s. Primarily because my washing machine is broken and I don’t want to keep paying for the laundromat over Xmas.

This has been a good Xmas. My depression has been more manageable- or rather I’ve learnt to manage it better. I had a couple of times when I longed to stay in bed. But I think a lot of that was sadness, sadness that we’re not a real family anymore. But I loved being with the kids and being more functional. I’m sure they enjoyed us all being together. I took them to see a movie today and Steve came along too. We’ve not done any family things, despite my trying to initiate that. I think it’s good for the kids to see us getting along.

So now I’m all alone in the dark on Boxing Day.

I have work tomorrow unfortunately. I’m just going as back up to a colleague who has a dodgy client. Hopefully I won’t get any calls!

So this has been my Xmas. Overall I’m happy with the way things have gone. I hope next Xmas will be easier though.

Xmas

So here we are at Xmas. The kids are happy and spoilt rotten by their dad as usual. I’m here as a spare part. It’s a bit awkward really. I’m just tidying up and trying to be an invisible guest to Steve. I’m reminded of Xmas past when we were a real family. My heart aches for that. Steve, as usual, couldn’t care less. He’s tolerating me for the kids. He did buy me presents, exactly what I asked for. I’m very grateful but I miss the old days when thought went into it. I bought him some port and some records, I knew he’d love that. My record player for his birthday was a big hit as much as it pains him to acknowledge that I still know him and gifted him something he really wanted.

The kids are so happy with their presents which I’m really happy about

I’m not sure how I’ll cope with another Xmas like this. But it’s important to the kids that we’re all together. Maybe it’ll get easier next year. It hasn’t got any easier in time so far.

They’re all going to Napier after Boxing Day. I’ll miss the kids, but I intend to enjoy my time alone. Although, technically I’m still working. I’ve only got stat days off.

I’m still undecided about my study in the new year. I’m hoping I’ll have a clearer mind in the new year. I have no idea what the new year holds. I’m too scared to think about it!

I did it!

I did it!! I ran the 5km! I never thought I would!

I’ve had such an insane week. I drove up to Hamilton the other day, it’s a 6 and a half hour drive. I’d been shortlisted to study at a university there. I had to undertake an exam and an interview. I called in sick for work and my boss was insanely pissed off – if I’d been genuinely sick, I’d have been pretty pissed off!

I drove back the following day, Thursday. So that’s a lot of driving in 2 days!

I went back to work on Friday, when the university called to say I’d been offered a place!

I’m not sure if I’ll take it, it’s a long more of a commitment than I anticipated on this program – unlike another university that’s a 4 hour drive away. The courses are distance learning, but there’s still an expectation to spend some time on campus. Even more for the one in Hamilton.

On Friday I then had to drive out quite far to a client that was really temperamental. I had to give her some news and she threw a mug of a coffee and started screaming. It was pretty intense. And of course, my boss was too busy to speak to me!

I got home on Friday drained. I didn’t think I’d last the 5km today – but I did!

So much has happened recently, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. I need to take some time to process it. I wish I could have stayed in Hamilton for longer.

Update

I’m on my last week of the 8 week running program. I’ve absolutely amazed myself by running 4km. The goal is 5km on Saturday. I’m still not confident but I’m going to give it a good shot. I’ve worked hard at this.

I had a rough weekend. I signed up for self defence, which was being run by women for women. It should have been a safe space. But I was triggered so badly. The idea of shouting really pushed me over the edge. I used my voice but was ignored, why should these self defence tactics make any difference. Plus we talked about strangulation. I was fine with the theory but I wasn’t ready to do the practice. I ended up locked in a toilet stall having a panic attack. When I finally got it together I snuck out to get my bag and leave. A friend caught me on the way out, she hugged me and reassured me. It felt nice, I could have sobbed on her shoulder all afternoon, but I was scared of upsetting the women. So I took my bag and fast footed it to the car. I cried hard driving home. I had to ring Steve in the end because I couldn’t get a grip. He was very understanding- unusually so actually. He knew I’d been doing this and suspected this would happen. I took comfort in his support and made it home. I was incredibly hyper vigilant- jumping and crying at every noise. The exhaustion though was overwhelming. I napped on and off. I felt so drained mentally and physically. I’ve never known anything like it. I was really too tired to have my boy over, but I missed him so much. Playing lego all evening was pretty hard, but I didn’t want to spoil his fun. The following day I had a wicked migraine. My son watched movies while I lay in bed hoping it would go. Suffice to say I felt like a terrible mother.

I’ve had some rough nights since then. Hopefully it will taper off. In retrospect I never should have taken that on. I have enough going on, I should have realised this would trigger me.

My job still sucks. I’m tired of the politics and pettiness. My boss goes on leave from December 21st, I can’t wait. It’ll be nice not to have her breathing down my neck. My official leave isn’t until 14 January. I can’t wait. I desperately need a break from this job environment. I’m still applying for other jobs but it’s tough going. Particularly with the time of year.

I’m really hoping to enjoy this Xmas. Traditionally I’m always unwell at Xmas. I can feel the low creeping in but I’m trying hard to fight it. I want to be there for the kids. There really is nothing quite as sad as sobbing miserably on Xmas day.

As the running program finishes this weekend, some new friends I made and I are making our own running club. I think it’ll be easier to stay motivated with people. I’ve also signed up to some runs around the area, including Round the Bays, which is quite an infamous run event here.

I am worried about my financial situation. As I suppose everyone is. At least Steve and his family can spoil the kids. I’ll never be in a position to do that anymore.

Fingers crossed for Saturday!