I saw an English series today that was really triggering. A girl was raped and the perpetrator and his friends seemed to think they had done nothing wrong. As usual when I see things like this I wonder what the rapist thinks when he thinks about me – if indeed he does. Does he feel victimised? Does he brag about taking someone’s virginity? Does he justify his actions that night? What does he tell his daughters? How will he keep them safe? What’s his moral compass when it comes to them? Does he feel guilt? Does he think he had a lucky escape where the law was concerned?
I was reduced to tears. The white hot blade of pain stabbing at me, as usually occurs when I’m triggered to think about it.
My life will never be the same. I recall the rape suite where I told my story. I recall the sterile, cold Family Planning centre where I got the morning after pill. Faceless professionals. The AIDS test, the vaginal swab. The coldness and the emotionless processes I followed.
I will never get closure. I will never get to face him in court. The justice system is weak.
I will carry this on for the rest of my life. Sometimes it lays dormant beneath the surface. I can almost breathe without the feeling of dread and self hate. Sometimes, like now, it bubbles to the surface.
Despair. Self hate. A pain that never ends. A shame that never goes. Self disgust that wraps its tentacles around me.
I will never be fully free of what happened. I will never forgo the panic attacks, the moments of paralysing fear.
I am marked. By him. Forever. And it sickens me.
My friends have talked me into going on Tinder. They’re desperate to see me move on and be happy, or just have some fun in the interim. But my heart isn’t in it. No one is going to become my life partner. I’m just not ready and nor will I ever be. I don’t miss sex, I only miss affection, but not to the extent I’ll start dating. Dating requires trust and a genuine desire to get to know someone. I simply don’t have either.
My world is my children. All of my love and energy goes into them. I cannot imagine a man feeling the same about my children, aside from Steve.
So I’m on it, but I’m not enjoying it. And frankly I won’t bother meeting anyone. You simply can’t recreate 13 odd years of a relationship.
Work of course takes up a large amount of energy. Ive had some really positive feedback for once, from clients. I wouldn’t get it from my boss. And my boss still seems to dislike me. The environment is tough. Being busy helps alleviate some of that, but the job itself is so draining. And I feel like I’ve missed so much of my children.
I’m still doing the running. I hate it! But I’m always glad afterwards! I felt especially proud of myself last Saturday for pushing myself so hard and achieving my goals. First time I’ve felt proud of myself for a long time. It’s weird not being able to share that with anyone.
I have a friend staying with me temporarily. It’s both a blessing and a curse. It’s nice to have company and someone to chat to in the evenings. But she’s rather messy! So I’m torn between missing my space and enjoying having someone around.
I still desperately need a holiday. But I’ll never be able to afford that.
My life seems to have hit a plateau. I’m neither displeased or excited.
I have terrible pangs of sadness at times still. I hate those periods of insufferable pain. I wonder if it’ll ever end?
This weekend I did a psychodrama workshop. Initially I was skeptical and didn’t want to get involved. I was with two of my friends, which really helped.
On the Saturday, a flash of inspiration struck me and I created my own psychodrama, which I let occur naturally. So many emotions came out. I cried a lot. It was very powerful. The audience was moved, and because of that, I was constantly chosen to appear in their dramas!
I found the workshop incredibly useful. It’s given me some closure on things and although I know I still need to work on it, I created alternate endings which gave me a sense of control.
After the workshop on Sunday afternoon, my friends came back to my house. And we drunk lots of wine!
Today is the first day that I missed my running. It’s been really hard but I stick with it. When I woke for my 5.30am start, I was still a bit drunk! So I knew I couldn’t drive. My body feels stodgy and sluggish and I miss the ache from the exercise.
I’m feeling a bit low still. My job is really draining and I’m constantly under a lot of stress. I just don’t enjoy it, but I won’t leave until I find something else. Preferably part time, my children really need me. We’ve had some issues with the 11 year old and I feel she’s just lost her way. I worry about her and would like to be around to spend more time with all of them. As it is, the nature of my job means they’ve been at Steve’s more – and I really miss them.
So there’s some more growth and things to process, but there’s a lot of guilt at the moment around the kids.