Feeling low

I feel really down. I can’t decide what’s the contributing factor. I’ve been getting up at 5am three days a week for this boot camp and I’m absolutely exhausted. I hope I get used to the early starts. My boss has taken on a new advocate and she happens to be my other colleague’s close friend, so they’re giggling and hanging out and by default my boss loves them both so I’m the odd one out. They all went to lunch today #awkward. I just seem to lurch from one uncomfortable situation to another. I’m really fed up. And I miss Steve. I’m lonely and I miss the closeness. It comes in tidal waves and I’m riding another wave. It really hurts that he doesn’t care at all and has happily moved on. I’m pretty sure he’s seeing someone now too. I know I shouldn’t care, but I do. And I know he’s changed and I don’t really like the revised person, but my mind wanders back to the old him. The old us. I feel bruised and raw.

I’ve not had my counselling sessions recently because we’ve not had childcare when my appointments are. I’m going tomorrow so hopefully I can process some of this stuff. There’s no point talking to friends – no one gets it. I feel alone with it all.

A few days ago I nearly had a panic attack. I was triggered by something on a program, completely unexpected and that’s added to my feeling of misery and loss of control.

The trouble with the early starts is that I can’t have my son stay over. I miss him so much. I tell myself it’s only for 8 weeks. Luckily Steve is away tomorrow so I’ll be staying at the house. They all want to go trick or treating. I can’t stand Halloween but I’ll have to drive the kids around so they can get their sweets! I’ll be exhausted- I have training and counselling tomorrow. But I want my kids to have a good time with me.

It’s all very disjointed but I wanted to write out what I was feeling. I hate the feeling of a pressing low and I’m not sure how to stop it because everything feels so overwhelming.

Update

My job continues to tick along. I meet quite a few different people. Some are incredibly interesting and very humble. Others seem to be so entitled and obsess over the smallest of things. Not too dissimilar from me. I’ve always obsessed over the smallest of fractions. It makes me wonder just how happy I’ve been in my life to let somethings affect me so much.

I hate the separation. I hate missing the familiarity of Steve, the companionship and the affection and certainty that comes with a long term relationship. But I’m closer to the kids. I appreciate every second I spend with them – I can think of nothing better than spending the days and nights with my children. Of course it’s draining and stressful, especially when I’m juggling my job, but they are the absolute epicentre of my earth. Maybe I took them for granted before? Maybe I relied too heavily on Steve to look after them? I’m always there when he has his work commitments. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.

I’m back at the gym – which was a huge feat for me. I was genuinely scared that I might bring on another convulsion. But I can’t keep living in fear. Admittedly I did join a different gym. Start fresh. And it’s not far from the office, so I’ve been going in before work, but if I have the kids, I can go in during the day. So far it’s worked out really well. It’s still a hard slog to go there. I think of a million different reasons not to go; but I put on my gym gear and force myself. I never regret it afterwards. In the spirit of my health and fitness, I’ve joined a ‘couch to 5km’ group. I’ve not told anyone except Steve because of the logistics. It’s a very early start Mon, Weds and Sat. So early in fact on the weekdays that I have to drive 40 minutes into the city, back home to shower and swap to my work car and back out again. It’s a huge commitment, not to mention cost, but I reason that it’s only 8 weeks. I can do it. Can I? I hope so. I’m very anxious about it. I start next week – and again, I’ve already thought of a million different reasons to get out of it. It’s sheer determination to change the rut that I’m in that encourages me.

My counsellor asked me the other day; am I pleased with myself? Am I happy with where I am. But I don’t feel I’ve done anything to warrant feeling proud. Each day is a grind that I survive. I wouldn’t say I’m particularly happy either. But was I ever? I can’t think back to a time in the last few years where I stopped and thought – I’m genuinely happy. It’s been about survival for me. And some days have been better than others, but there hasn’t been a defined period of contentment. That’s not because of the separation – it was before then. The benefit of losing everything is seeing the bigger picture. And I’d genuinely like to go to bed and smile. Sure, time with the kids is awesome, but at night I ruminate over everything little thing. Was I a good enough mum? I stress about work all the time. I wonder when I’m going to cop the next bad mood from Steve. Things still aren’t great between us. The reason being; it defies my expectations. I want a relationship of sorts with Steve, but he’s not willing to participate. Instead there’s this uncomfortable dialogue and unpredictability of sometimes getting along, sometimes having a slanging match. I try not to get sucked in, but old behaviours are hard to break. I can’t control his behaviour, like I want him to show me more respect, so I have to learn to control my reactions and change for myself the impact on me. It’s actually really hard to do that. It’s amazing how much power we can give people.

My medication has changed radically. Some things recently I changed (after seeing the GP). I’m really more in control of my medication. I’m seeing a new psychiatrist in a week, sleep is still an issue. My new exercise routine hasn’t changed that. I obviously need chemical input, I just need something that’s cost affect and works. My CPN has left which I’m quite gutted about. I had a lot of respect for him – even being a man! I’m supposed to see this new woman but I’ve put it off. I don’t feel able to establish trust with anyone else at the moment.

So life continues for me. Not particularly interesting. I’m trying to grow as a person and a lot of times I think I am. Usually it’s interaction with Steve where I end up doubting myself.

Maybe this new fitness program will bring about some positive change.