I saw my therapist which helped a lot. It felt like ages since I’ve seen her. I was able to talk about the job and witches I work with and the stress I feel. I was also able to talk about the flashback and panic attack. She takes this to be a sign that I’m healing – that my body is processing things. I got emotional at times talking to her but it felt good to finally have someone that I could pour out my heart too.
This weekend I’m supposed to be getting the company car so the expectation is that I’ll be out of the office more. This is what I was hoping for. I find being in the coven all the time really draining and stressful. It’s the constant negative energy that I can’t keep batting away and pretending it doesn’t affect me. I realise that part of it is my own paranoia, and my own self doubt, but they have definitely rail roaded my confidence with their comments. I saw a new client the other day and I full blown didn’t believe I had the capacity to conduct the meeting. I’ve had doubts about myself before, but never to this extreme. And this has come from the constant; ‘if you can’t do (whatever it is they’re talking about) you can’t do the job’ repeatedly way of training me, and knowing that everything I say or do is repeated back to the boss who then grills me over it. Or being told to do things a certain way, I do it that way, the boss tells me it’s wrong, then who ever told me in the first place agrees with the boss, giving me the feeling of being thrown under the bus. So while I can account for my own paranoia and self doubt, there’s also a lot that hasn’t helped.
Hopefully being on the road will help, although in saying that, there’s a lot of control and paranoia around the company car from the boss! so I’m not looking forward to that either!
I’ve had the kids most of the week which has been fantastic. It’s really helped give me something to look forward to and helped ease getting up in the morning. I’ll be with them all next week as Steve goes away again next week.
I’m seeing the psychiatrist next week to discuss this new medication which I think is making me quite restless. Presumably it’s helping my mood as I’m not experiencing any major mood changes and my tearfulness is in keeping with the stress of the job. Although having said I’m quite irritable as well but that might also be the job stress as well.
I’m going back to the survivors group next month and also a support group for people with mood disorders, both at the start of August. I would like to reengage with my peers and hopefully get some advice.
Hoping August will be a better month!