So I’m feeling like even more of an inconvenience at my job. Today just wasn’t worth going in. I arrived, typed some stuff out, no one knew what to do with me, I was sent on a long lunch break, culminating in being sent home. While I was in the office I caught some looks and the odd comments, it’s very uncomfortable.
Yesterday I blew my stack at Steve. I was dismissed early again from the office and I text him straight away to let him know I could pick up the kids thinking I was saving him a trip back from the office. He sent me a shitty message about it not being ‘feasible’ to work around my last minute schedule. I wasn’t so much angry at him as I was being in this shitty situation. So I called him shouting and he shouted and we went around in circles. I ended up seeing him later as I picked up the kids and I apologised and broke down and told him how hard this job was, how stressed I was, how hard the weekend had been. I know he’s not particularly interested, but I’m just a pressure cooker at the moment.
I am worried about my mental health, it’s hard to maintain self care when everything else in my life is out of whack. I am genuinely unhappy in this role. I dread going to work in the mornings and feel completely miserable when I finish. My boss is such a prize bitch. I really can’t do anything right. It’s destroying my confidence. I’m still hoping it’s teething issues and will get better. But right now it’s draining and really impacting me.
It’s awesome having the kids back from Napier though. They stayed with me last night and it was lovely. Fortunately I start late again tomorrow so they’re staying again tonight. I love having them back. It gives me something really positive to focus on.
I’ve worked with bitchy people before but this is a unique situation as there’s only the four of us, I’m not allowed to really talk with other people in the building as my boss doesn’t trust them, so I’m stuck with these women, and I have to listen to their shit all day. What’s worse is that my boss doesn’t trust me or seem to regard me as a professional, so unless she’s holding my hand, I can’t make decisions or do anything of my own accord. I have to be spoon fed in her time. If I move too quickly as I have done, she absolutely blasts me and it leaves me feeling tiny and incompetent. I’ve never been made to feel like that before.
I just feel like I need to keep trucking through this and hopefully it will get better