Flashback

I had a flashback in the week. I’m not sure why. Perhaps feelings in the job of inferiority and vulnerability are making me more open to them? It wasn’t a nasty one, and I was able to handle myself (I was at work).

Despite being a mental health organisation, the team I work with offer no empathy at all or understanding around my neurosis or anxiety. They just seem to get fed up with me. I can’t do much about it and their comments just make it worse.

On Friday, despite my financial concerns, I decided I’d have some wine and pizza and really relax. I’m a bit gutted that Steve has decided to stay all weekend so I won’t see the kids for longer. This means I’m still up at his house. Because hey, might as well use his laundry facilities and keep warm here.

Unfortunately I watched a movie with a man in that reminded of someone from my past and this gave me a panic attack. I’ve not had one for a while. It was awful and probably not helped by the wine. I had no one to call or talk too. I felt very alone. I think the panic attack from the man comes from the flashback, I’m not sure I’d have reacted as strongly otherwise. It shows how these things accumulate.

I’m just feeling really down at the moment primarily with work stress. I dread the mornings and usually leave in tears. Nothing in my private life is helping, my communication with Steve is terse and usually unfriendly, as I said I’m stressed about finances and I’m still bloody deaf in one ear! I’d like to feel a bit more grounded. Of course, being able to see my babies again will help.

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