Update

I know why I had the seizure. An interim psychiatrist that I’d never even met, increased my anti depressants over the phone to an amount well exceeding the recommended dose and a consequence of doing that is a seizure. I only found out because there is a new long term psychiatrist in place whom I met face to face and she was outraged by my dosage and explained to me how the seizure had come about. Naturally I’m angry and upset and I’ve complained and there’s an investigation. Suffice to say I’m no longer on that medication. Really goes to show how much faith we place in these doctors, when they’re not always worthy of such trust.

I now have a job, as a mental health advocate. Sounds fitting. But to be honest I’m doubtful. The hours are very long, the pay isn’t good and I’m not sure about the team. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so grateful to have a job, not working is very depressing not to mention I’m sick of the financial stress, but I’ve definitely jumped at the first offer and rather than feeling excited at this opportunity, there’s a lot of trepidation. But I’m trying to stay open minded. Admittedly it’s not been the best introduction. Two days away in Auckland at a company meeting, so a room full of strangers and the obligatory ‘team exercises’ which is enough to fray anyone’s nerves. Plus it was ‘expenses reimbursed’ and the trip was kind of thrown at me so there was no budgeting for it so it really left me screwed and having to go cap in hand to Steve which is always really demeaning. The women in my team are the kind that like to giggle over penis jokes 🙄 I know, right? And there’s just some things I can’t fake no matter how hard I try to fit in.

And it’s coming up to school holidays and I was really looking forward to hanging out with the kids. We’ve had a great school routine going, and I’ve enjoyed taking Harry to his tutoring twice a week, I’ve been really involved with them. Don’t get me wrong – I know parents have to work and I know they still can be involved with their kids!! Its just I’ve been so removed from them with my own issues, it’s been great to be well enough to be such an integral part of their routine. I’ll really miss the little things and I get the feeling this job is really demanding as low paying jobs always seem to be. Steve is already away a lot of the time, so it’s important at least one of us can be there regularly.

I don’t know, we’ll see. I haven’t established a routine yet, so time will tell and there’s no point in stressing now. As I say, I am genuinely glad to be back in the workforce again.

Things between Steve and I remain like a roller coaster. Sometimes I think we’ve nailed a good relationship. And more specifically I think I’ve personally negotiated my own feelings about our separation. But then something happens and it’s like I’m back to square one. The hurt and confusion, the loneliness and dread. Not knowing how to move forwards. I’m told that’s fairly normal after a break up. But really I’d like to be given set time frames and resolutions!

I’ve totally relaxed over my house situation. I’ve stopped trawling the adverts for a new place. I think because I’ve had the kids over so much I’ve started to relax more. I’ve moved the furniture around, bought more heaters, got some blankets for the living room and the kids enjoy coming over, it feels more homely. I’ll still periodically check out rentals but definitely not like before. I’m not desperate. Because Steve’s house doesn’t feel like home anymore that’s been a huge shift for me. I was up there this afternoon but that’s the first time for a while. It doesn’t have the same appeal. It’s still a luxury, but no more than staying in a hotel. I know it’s not mine and I actually don’t care anymore. Besides, when you look at it, there are many, many cracks and imperfections, there are sad signs of neglect and no one wants a home that’s neglected. Eventually I’ll probably see the house as a metaphor for my marriage but at the moment I’m still wearing the rose tinted glasses. And that’s ok, I’m aware of it. I own that. And I believe that will change in time. It has to, because what I feel and what I know to be true are two very different things. Certainly when I compare old Steve with new Steve, they couldn’t be two more different people.

Well I’m hoping to have an early night as I have an early start tomorrow. I’m quite anxious about it as to be expected. I have my second eldest daughter here with me as her school is a short walk away from me so it’s really nice to have the company and I think she really enjoys the independence. So it’s a win win.

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