Therapy

I saw my therapist which helped a lot. It felt like ages since I’ve seen her. I was able to talk about the job and witches I work with and the stress I feel. I was also able to talk about the flashback and panic attack. She takes this to be a sign that I’m healing – that my body is processing things. I got emotional at times talking to her but it felt good to finally have someone that I could pour out my heart too.

This weekend I’m supposed to be getting the company car so the expectation is that I’ll be out of the office more. This is what I was hoping for. I find being in the coven all the time really draining and stressful. It’s the constant negative energy that I can’t keep batting away and pretending it doesn’t affect me. I realise that part of it is my own paranoia, and my own self doubt, but they have definitely rail roaded my confidence with their comments. I saw a new client the other day and I full blown didn’t believe I had the capacity to conduct the meeting. I’ve had doubts about myself before, but never to this extreme. And this has come from the constant; ‘if you can’t do (whatever it is they’re talking about) you can’t do the job’ repeatedly way of training me, and knowing that everything I say or do is repeated back to the boss who then grills me over it. Or being told to do things a certain way, I do it that way, the boss tells me it’s wrong, then who ever told me in the first place agrees with the boss, giving me the feeling of being thrown under the bus. So while I can account for my own paranoia and self doubt, there’s also a lot that hasn’t helped.

Hopefully being on the road will help, although in saying that, there’s a lot of control and paranoia around the company car from the boss! so I’m not looking forward to that either!

I’ve had the kids most of the week which has been fantastic. It’s really helped give me something to look forward to and helped ease getting up in the morning. I’ll be with them all next week as Steve goes away again next week.

I’m seeing the psychiatrist next week to discuss this new medication which I think is making me quite restless. Presumably it’s helping my mood as I’m not experiencing any major mood changes and my tearfulness is in keeping with the stress of the job. Although having said I’m quite irritable as well but that might also be the job stress as well.

I’m going back to the survivors group next month and also a support group for people with mood disorders, both at the start of August. I would like to reengage with my peers and hopefully get some advice.

Hoping August will be a better month!

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Job woes

So I’m feeling like even more of an inconvenience at my job. Today just wasn’t worth going in. I arrived, typed some stuff out, no one knew what to do with me, I was sent on a long lunch break, culminating in being sent home. While I was in the office I caught some looks and the odd comments, it’s very uncomfortable.

Yesterday I blew my stack at Steve. I was dismissed early again from the office and I text him straight away to let him know I could pick up the kids thinking I was saving him a trip back from the office. He sent me a shitty message about it not being ‘feasible’ to work around my last minute schedule. I wasn’t so much angry at him as I was being in this shitty situation. So I called him shouting and he shouted and we went around in circles. I ended up seeing him later as I picked up the kids and I apologised and broke down and told him how hard this job was, how stressed I was, how hard the weekend had been. I know he’s not particularly interested, but I’m just a pressure cooker at the moment.

I am worried about my mental health, it’s hard to maintain self care when everything else in my life is out of whack. I am genuinely unhappy in this role. I dread going to work in the mornings and feel completely miserable when I finish. My boss is such a prize bitch. I really can’t do anything right. It’s destroying my confidence. I’m still hoping it’s teething issues and will get better. But right now it’s draining and really impacting me.

It’s awesome having the kids back from Napier though. They stayed with me last night and it was lovely. Fortunately I start late again tomorrow so they’re staying again tonight. I love having them back. It gives me something really positive to focus on.

I’ve worked with bitchy people before but this is a unique situation as there’s only the four of us, I’m not allowed to really talk with other people in the building as my boss doesn’t trust them, so I’m stuck with these women, and I have to listen to their shit all day. What’s worse is that my boss doesn’t trust me or seem to regard me as a professional, so unless she’s holding my hand, I can’t make decisions or do anything of my own accord. I have to be spoon fed in her time. If I move too quickly as I have done, she absolutely blasts me and it leaves me feeling tiny and incompetent. I’ve never been made to feel like that before.

I just feel like I need to keep trucking through this and hopefully it will get better

Flashback

I had a flashback in the week. I’m not sure why. Perhaps feelings in the job of inferiority and vulnerability are making me more open to them? It wasn’t a nasty one, and I was able to handle myself (I was at work).

Despite being a mental health organisation, the team I work with offer no empathy at all or understanding around my neurosis or anxiety. They just seem to get fed up with me. I can’t do much about it and their comments just make it worse.

On Friday, despite my financial concerns, I decided I’d have some wine and pizza and really relax. I’m a bit gutted that Steve has decided to stay all weekend so I won’t see the kids for longer. This means I’m still up at his house. Because hey, might as well use his laundry facilities and keep warm here.

Unfortunately I watched a movie with a man in that reminded of someone from my past and this gave me a panic attack. I’ve not had one for a while. It was awful and probably not helped by the wine. I had no one to call or talk too. I felt very alone. I think the panic attack from the man comes from the flashback, I’m not sure I’d have reacted as strongly otherwise. It shows how these things accumulate.

I’m just feeling really down at the moment primarily with work stress. I dread the mornings and usually leave in tears. Nothing in my private life is helping, my communication with Steve is terse and usually unfriendly, as I said I’m stressed about finances and I’m still bloody deaf in one ear! I’d like to feel a bit more grounded. Of course, being able to see my babies again will help.

Speed wobble (again)

Today has been tough. You know when I think I have my shit together, I’m always proved wrong.

The weekend was lovely. I’d had the kids, it was awesome. Then they went to Napier and I went to dinner with a couple of friends on Sunday night and it was a really good laugh. I’m very lucky. Great family, great friends.

Then today, the job.

The morning I spent in the notorious ‘Ward 27’ think ‘One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest’ with slightly better decor. I’d been dreading it because frankly I was scared. I didn’t want to get shanked with a plastic spoon, or have fecal matter thrown at me – stereotyping much? Er, yeah! But I’m nuts myself so I’m allowed. And frankly this place is notorious for a reason. But instead of being scared I was confronted with a very real reality. I was facing myself. I have been that ill. When I lived in that area I was threatened with Ward 27 often. There’s no private facility and no alternative and at times I was regarded too ill for respite. It was Steve that advocated for me to stay out of there. Had it not been for him, I’d have been in there myself. I was facing a very real reality for myself. And not only that, a future possibility, although admittedly not in that hospital as I don’t live in the area anymore, I could become unwell like these people. It’s never too far away. My instinct was to want to run away. I felt panic. I wanted to hide from it if I’m honest. But the Ward is locked down. I was effectively trapped. So I had to rely on my colleague to manage the meeting to guide me through the processes.

Afterwards I wanted to sob. I wanted to express my fears, I wanted to cry for the old me, and again I wanted to phone Steve immediately and thank him for what he’d done for me. None of those were options. I chatted a little bit about my experience but kept emotionally void.

Returning to the office I felt drained. I’m still deaf in one ear, I still have a cold, I miss my kids, I felt emotionally raw and sure enough the three women skipped off to collude together in their coven. I felt left out, fed up, miserable, alone, etc. When they returned the giggling started up and I just simply wasn’t in that mood. When they started talking about going home I said fine, I’m going then, and left. As I reversed, I nearly ran my boss over who came flailing out behind me. Not to check if I was ok, but to have a go at me for leaving abruptly and making everyone feel uncomfortable. I can’t win. I apologised. She went on a bit and I felt my defences drop. I was just too cold and too tired. In the end I admitted how I’d found the day confronting. She told me I should I have talked to her about it. I explained it was pretty hard when the three of them were hanging out. She got a bit defensive. I think we both paid lip service at this point. I left – on I think, good(ish) terms.

As Steve is away I’ve come up to the house. It’s warm, I’ve snuggled under a blanket, had the heat pump on, watched his big tv, had a bath, now I’m in his big bed. It’s a hotel. It’s sad that what was my house has become a ‘treat’ but at least I don’t view it as ‘home’ anymore. Steve has really killed that off for me. I had hoped he’d offer some sort of support today, yes I stupidly and naively text him and no of course he didn’t reply. He’s not even with the kids apparently, he’s probably shagging some high earning suit in some posh hotel somewhere laughing about his crazy ex wife. Why should I even care? But sadly I do, even as he loves to point out, it’s been three years! Get over it!

Anyway, I’m just sore because it’s been a long, emotionally draining day and it would be really nice to share it with someone. Still, I had a good cry in the bath, so at least I’m not bottling it up. Hopefully I can see my CPN soon and rearrange counselling to a time outside of work hours. I need all the support I can get at the moment.

Job and stuff

I think it’s really interesting that Steve mentioned I used to say all the time, I never really enjoyed that, after everything I ever did. I had lost all pleasure in everything in my every day life. I hardly remember that period at all but it seems familiar.

It’s interesting to me because I have spent the last few years being extremely sad. I have struggled with the marriage break up and all the subsequent difficulties I’ve faced alone. My mental health has been unstable and I’ve probably spent more time crying than I have at any other time in my life. But I have to say that I’ve really learnt to embrace the crying. I don’t see it as a weakness or question my sanity. I see it as a release and I just let go. It’s actually very freeing. In amongst all the grief and sadness there are many things I have learnt to appreciate and therefore enjoy. Simple things. It can be anything from a good cup of a coffee, to something one of the kids say, to driving my really cute car to something one of my good friends say. I guess when I think I’m going backwards it takes a simple comment like that to realise that’s not the case at all.

In terms of the job, I’m sticking at it. Some days are better than others. There’s been some really interesting cases, so if I focus on the clients it ignites real passion in me, I just want the freedom to get stuck in. The team seem a little bit warmer to me. Maybe it’s a time thing? I guess because I’m so open and tend to accept people, I expect everyone to do the same, so I’m bitterly disappointed when they don’t. That’s my problem really and not anyone else’s fault.

I’ve interviewed a nanny to take Harry to his tutoring on Tuesday and Thursday as I’m not going to be available. It really was a bittersweet experience. She’s lovely and I am glad to be working, but I’ve really enjoyed being such a big part of my son’s routine. I’m going to miss that a lot. I do love my boy so much.

I’ve had the kids the last few days, but now they’re off to Napier with the grandparents for the week – it’s school holidays. I’ll miss them so much. I’ll make the most of Steve’s empty house though by doing my washing and using the spa pool 😄

I’ve got this horrible ear infection which I’m starting to think will never go away. I’m completely deaf in my left ear. I’ve been on two different antibiotics. Now I’m on ear drops. It’s really frustrating. When there’s background noise I can hardly hear and I’m constantly shouting which I know is annoying everyone.

My mood is a little unstable, slightly more than usual – it’s the antibiotics. It interacts with my medication. I swing a little between my usual (crying) and then feeling extremely irritable and confrontational. I’m aware of it, fortunately it should only be temporary. I see my psychiatrist every 2 weeks at the moment and I’ve been seeing my CPN pretty much every week but he’s been on leave. I realise starting a new job is also a huge stressor, and I’m really keen to stay on top of mental health. I want to keep communication open and try to stop anything before it spirals out of control, which is easier said than done. I’m extremely stressed about my finances. My job pays pretty much the same as being on welfare, and of course by not being on welfare there’s a lot of things I don’t get discounted anymore so I’m very concerned. You can sort of see why some people can’t see the point of working. Especially when you consider tax deductions and student loan debts and child support, etc. But I’ve talked to Steve about that. I’ve gotten really good at budgeting, but I’m still lousy at understand taxes and what my entitlements are, whereas that’s his strength so I’m hoping he’ll be able to support me in terms of his knowledge.

I have a lot going on, but I’m managing. I’m taking each day as it comes. I’m finding it better to acknowledge each anxiety as it rears up as opposed to try and push it away. I’ve even kept lists of things that really trouble me and it’s amazing to be able to look at those lists a few months later and see most, if not all of the things cleared.

Update

I know why I had the seizure. An interim psychiatrist that I’d never even met, increased my anti depressants over the phone to an amount well exceeding the recommended dose and a consequence of doing that is a seizure. I only found out because there is a new long term psychiatrist in place whom I met face to face and she was outraged by my dosage and explained to me how the seizure had come about. Naturally I’m angry and upset and I’ve complained and there’s an investigation. Suffice to say I’m no longer on that medication. Really goes to show how much faith we place in these doctors, when they’re not always worthy of such trust.

I now have a job, as a mental health advocate. Sounds fitting. But to be honest I’m doubtful. The hours are very long, the pay isn’t good and I’m not sure about the team. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so grateful to have a job, not working is very depressing not to mention I’m sick of the financial stress, but I’ve definitely jumped at the first offer and rather than feeling excited at this opportunity, there’s a lot of trepidation. But I’m trying to stay open minded. Admittedly it’s not been the best introduction. Two days away in Auckland at a company meeting, so a room full of strangers and the obligatory ‘team exercises’ which is enough to fray anyone’s nerves. Plus it was ‘expenses reimbursed’ and the trip was kind of thrown at me so there was no budgeting for it so it really left me screwed and having to go cap in hand to Steve which is always really demeaning. The women in my team are the kind that like to giggle over penis jokes 🙄 I know, right? And there’s just some things I can’t fake no matter how hard I try to fit in.

And it’s coming up to school holidays and I was really looking forward to hanging out with the kids. We’ve had a great school routine going, and I’ve enjoyed taking Harry to his tutoring twice a week, I’ve been really involved with them. Don’t get me wrong – I know parents have to work and I know they still can be involved with their kids!! Its just I’ve been so removed from them with my own issues, it’s been great to be well enough to be such an integral part of their routine. I’ll really miss the little things and I get the feeling this job is really demanding as low paying jobs always seem to be. Steve is already away a lot of the time, so it’s important at least one of us can be there regularly.

I don’t know, we’ll see. I haven’t established a routine yet, so time will tell and there’s no point in stressing now. As I say, I am genuinely glad to be back in the workforce again.

Things between Steve and I remain like a roller coaster. Sometimes I think we’ve nailed a good relationship. And more specifically I think I’ve personally negotiated my own feelings about our separation. But then something happens and it’s like I’m back to square one. The hurt and confusion, the loneliness and dread. Not knowing how to move forwards. I’m told that’s fairly normal after a break up. But really I’d like to be given set time frames and resolutions!

I’ve totally relaxed over my house situation. I’ve stopped trawling the adverts for a new place. I think because I’ve had the kids over so much I’ve started to relax more. I’ve moved the furniture around, bought more heaters, got some blankets for the living room and the kids enjoy coming over, it feels more homely. I’ll still periodically check out rentals but definitely not like before. I’m not desperate. Because Steve’s house doesn’t feel like home anymore that’s been a huge shift for me. I was up there this afternoon but that’s the first time for a while. It doesn’t have the same appeal. It’s still a luxury, but no more than staying in a hotel. I know it’s not mine and I actually don’t care anymore. Besides, when you look at it, there are many, many cracks and imperfections, there are sad signs of neglect and no one wants a home that’s neglected. Eventually I’ll probably see the house as a metaphor for my marriage but at the moment I’m still wearing the rose tinted glasses. And that’s ok, I’m aware of it. I own that. And I believe that will change in time. It has to, because what I feel and what I know to be true are two very different things. Certainly when I compare old Steve with new Steve, they couldn’t be two more different people.

Well I’m hoping to have an early night as I have an early start tomorrow. I’m quite anxious about it as to be expected. I have my second eldest daughter here with me as her school is a short walk away from me so it’s really nice to have the company and I think she really enjoys the independence. So it’s a win win.