Tipping point

Interestingly the last few days have been surprisingly better. A few ‘shifts’ have happened.

Firstly, I was due to have the kids at my place but there was a power cut, no heat, no light so I felt it best we return to the house. I slept on the couch because Steve was leaving early the next day. They all watched a movie and I didn’t feel like it, so I curled up in a bedroom and read a book. I can’t explain the feeling, but I suddenly knew I had to get out of there. I mumbled excuses about having to buy a bottle of water from the garage. I drove a few seconds down the road and then pulled over and cried like I’ve never cried before. I sobbed, I wailed, I howled like a wounded animal. My entire body shook, i could feel this terrible pain, in that moment I could completely understand why people become addicts because I could have easily done anything to avoid the pain, but I trusted by body. I instinctively knew it was something I had to do. I don’t know how long I sat there for. I managed to get it together enough to go to the garage and buy some water but I was sobbing the whole time. I didn’t care what anyone thought. Back in the car, again i only got a little way and the whole thing started again.

By the time I got back to the house I felt drained and hollowed out. They were finishing the movie and heading to bed. I curled up on the couch and soon came the heart wrenching sobs. I managed to hold back on the wailing but the sobbing was just as gut wrenching, I played some music on my phone to cover the noise. I felt the pain the same intensity and gripped the blanket in agony.

I think I was finally grieving. I do cry easily at times, but I’ve never let go like that before. I always stop myself, scared that if I let go I might not stop or it might hurt too much. Clearly I’d reached my tipping point. I grieved for a number of things, my marriage, my health, the stuff in England, how my life is. Just everything that hurts and feels out of my control.

The next day I felt numb, but without a doubt I knew things had shifted.

A friend of mine that knew I was struggling with my house came and did a blessing on it! It was really nice of her and although I’m in two minds about it, I’m trying to stay open minded. I really love that she did that for me.

I got a new car as mine was too expensive to fix. It’s a cheap little piece of shit but I absolutely LOVE it!!! I haven’t owned a car like it before, it’s very raw but I really love it! And it’s so economical. It’s been well looked after too for its age.

I saw the new psychiatrist and she’s convinced my seizure was caused because my dose of anti depressant is far too high. The maximum dose is 400mg, I’m on 650mg. I may have my answer! She’s slowly reducing it with a view to changing it, I’m ok with that.

I’ve got a busy weekend. I had the kids over last night and I took them out for dinner, it was really lovely. We’re just going for a walk now. Then I’m catching up with different friends. I feel really grateful.

And I have two interviews on Monday! Fingers crossed!

Advertisements

Bleh

Today I looked up DIGNITAS I wanted to know if they’d take ‘clients’ that were mentally at the end of their tether. I felt I’d meet the criteria quite well considering my exhaustive list of medications, therapy and prolonged low mood. But apparently it’s only for people with a terminal or extremely painful physical illness. I suppose in assessing me they’d probably decline my application on the basis that I have four children. Yes, I get that makes me selfish etc.

I’m not particularly suicidal in as much as nothing really appeals to me. I’ve tried overdosing and even medical professionals were surprised I lived, so clearly that isn’t going to work. Hanging, no way I don’t want to choke to death – it can take 10 minutes! Slashing wrists, ouchie, and I don’t have a bath. Jumping off a building – how terrifying would those last few seconds be? And jumping in front of a train, I’m not sure id have the guts (pardon the pun) besides it’s not fair on the driver. Now, if I lived in the good ole US of A, I’d have access to a myriad of weaponry and could shoot myself. Easy. People do it by accident over there all the time. But I’m not there. And we don’t have a gun problem in NZ.

I know why I’m miserable, it’s my own fault and kind of a chemical imbalance too, I’m not entirely to blame. The week has been extremely emotional, stressful and as my CPN said, I’ve had two major life changing events in a week. To cope with the emotional fall out, I stayed on Steve’s couch. I stayed at the house I love, with my kids, with the light and the noise and the warmth. And I know at this point a majority of people will moan, roll eyes, and say, why do you do it to yourself? But I felt I was satisfying a deep need to feel safe, secure and amongst the love of my children. I really don’t like my house, the kids don’t like my house, so it’s easier to just stay up there – which I do every time Steve goes away which is usually 1/2 nights per week.

I couldn’t really squeeze another night in, Steve was already getting fed up (bearing in mind he’s also had to be my taxi since my car is stuffed, and as he said, ex husband’s don’t usually do this stuff). I’m relegated to my house. It’s a very cold drafty house. I had to drag an incredibly expensive to run heater into my bedroom last night because even dressed up like I was in Alaska hardly took the edge off and the bloody long walk to the toilet which might as well be outside (it’s a weird add on next to the laundry, like someone forgot) was a march of death. Well, I guess hyperthermia might kill me off. It’s pretty obvious why the kids don’t like my house. And fair enough too.

What am I doing about it? Well, I’m keeping an eye out on the rental market. I can’t bear the thought of another move, but I can’t stand to see my kids look like they’re coming to Alcatraz when they come to mine. I was in such a hurry to secure a home when I got back from England, I wanted something before my parents left. I jumped at the first house offered to me. I shouldn’t have done that. Realistically I could have just stayed at a motel until the right house came along. But it’s just another regret to add to my long list of regrets. Being winter there’s slim pickings, being Wellington there’s a lot of people looking, and the landlords can pretty much charge whatever the hell they want. I met the last tenant that lived here – she was pushed out because the landlady wanted to sell ($100k over RV – which is insane). She didn’t get the sale, no surprise and then I came along to pay a $70 increase in rent! Obviously if I’d known that too, I wouldn’t have been so stupid to eagerly sign the paperwork.

I’m just kind of exisiting really. To take the loneliness and sadness out of today, I’ve read my kindle pretty much all day, taking a break to go to the chemist to get ibuprofen for a headache because I’ve been reading my kindle all day.

I’m a bit lost really. Steve told me I should go back to England. I have to say that was really cutting. Obviously if my children weren’t here I wouldn’t be here. Those 4 months in England were hard without my children. I’m not sure I could move there indefinitely. But that was his advice, bugger off. Of that, I can only dream…

The update

Well I’ve decided to update my blog now – being as my bloody car has broken down at the hospital! And it’s a really cold wet day too.

The call was pretty intense, a lot to process, but she was really nice and although I’m shocked and saddened by what I learnt on the call, I’m glad it’s over. I don’t want to write too much because it’s still something I need to work through.

The results are in. Firstly the MRI showed a few too many ‘white spots’ apparently you get one for every year, but I’ve got more. I need another MRI in one year to check the growth. It’s indicative of MS.

He didn’t diagnose epilepsy because he said my first incident (I call it fainting) can’t be proven as a seizure because no one saw it and I don’t remember anything. But he said the symptoms I experienced were more in line with a seizure then fainting. I’m glad it’s not confirmed. Two seizures is a diagnosis of epilepsy. He’s put me on anti seizure medication which doubles as a migraine prevention medication – yay! He said he thinks the fact I was on the treadmill was coincidental, not the cause. And I’m booked for an EEG which will take at least 2 months and won’t really confirm anything because I’ll be on medication by then. And I see him again in 2 months to check in.

So that’s my day so far. I’m supposed to have therapy today, which I really need, but it depends if my car can be sorted.

I’m exhausted and cold, but so pleased it’s all over

In a pickle

Today is just a total cry fest. It’s been extremely emotional. I think there’s a lot of reasons for this. And I’m trying to acknowledge my feelings.

I sat and wrote out two letters to my children – in the event of my death. I have two more to go but it’s extremely emotional. I think I may have mentioned that I’ve organised things and left detailed instructions as a way to take control over dying. It’s taken some anxiety away. Not that I plan on dying any time soon, but a health scare does make you question your immortality. It was suggested by my counsellor and it’s been helpful.

I’m anxious about the call tonight from England. Hearing details, going over old ground, questioning myself and tormenting myself over my role to play.

I’m anxious about tomorrow. The most likely answer will be that the seizure was random, they don’t know why, they don’t know if I’ll have another one. Which isn’t helpful at all. And I hate the thought of trying to live life normally with the threat of collapsing in the back of my mind. Epilepsy is another possibility. I initially was terrified about that. But I guess like all illnesses, it can be treated with medication, and there’s no reason why I can’t live a normal life. Finally it could be a brain tumour. I can’t dismiss the idea out of hand, I do suffer with chronic migraines, I feel faint at times and I get blurred vision. Although as I’m writing this down it seems even more unlikely! My anxiety this last week made me think I was having a heart attack! And I’m bound to feel every little thing in my body and let it compound into something bigger. Other than that, I can’t think of any other possible answers.

A good friend once said to me, the opposite of love is indifference. I realise I go through a real cycle with my separation. I hate Steve, I want him back, I grieve the loss, I wonder about us getting back together, I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m rejected, I’m angry with myself, I go over old ground. This is not indifference. I have often used the term ‘indifference’ when describing his reaction to something. Steve is indifferent towards me. I can barely make him even angry anymore. He simply has no interest. Clearly he got there a lot quicker than I did. He’s presumably done his cycle and come out the other end. I’m still in the cycle, but have finally accepted Steve’s position. And it hurts. A lot.

So today I’ve been reading my books quietly curled up on the sofa with a blanket.

I’ve realised I’ve made some significant errors. When I left the skating rink the other day, I should have stayed. It wasn’t about me, it should have been about my kids. On the holiday Monday I felt sorry for myself because I missed my kids, and in my mind it was Steve’s week, therefore I couldn’t see them. Wrong. Steve wouldn’t have minded if I’d have taken the kids out or had them down at mine. I was creating my own drama and heart ache for ‘principle’

I’m making significant errors in judgement at the moment. I don’t know if it’s a period I’m going through, the stress I’m putting on myself, or I’m just an idiot.

I just need to get through the next couple of days. Come what may.

Group

I went to the group session today and it was a complete waste of time. The group was dominated by this crazy arse woman that talked about her life, making a Steven Segal movie more believable. It was non stop. I eventually spoke up because it was clear everyone had tuned out, but I think the facilitator wanted to bring her under control more gently. Whatever. I used the time to browse rentals on the net. I really hate this house. It’s freezing cold, it’s layout is odd and there’s just not the room for my 4 children. It’s one of reasons I was always going back to the house. To escape my own home. I actually dread going back.

My good friend has come over and she is in complete agreement. It’s just not got a very nice vibe. But it has served its purpose, I needed a house quickly before my parents left and this was here. Hopefully being winter I’ll have less competition looking for a new place.

I had coffee with my friend at her place after group to debrief, it’s become our routine now. She could tell I was really down. I said I longed to return to the house, to the lights, the noise, my children, the warmth and broke down and cried as I seem to be doing constantly lately. She keeps reassuring me that this will pass. At the moment it’s hard to stay positive. I’ve had to stop the gym, stop looking for work and worry constantly about keeping my heart rate down. Why do I keep being beaten down?

I’ve taken to leaving the tv on at night, on a music channel. I can’t stand the silence and this seemed a good way to make the nights more bearable.

I just have to wait until Wednesday- then I should get answers and be able to resume trying to make a life for myself.

I am letting myself feel the pain, the sadness, the despair. It’s all uncomfortable but I can only heal from it by going through it. And I’ve spent too much of my life ignoring what’s in my heart. So whilst my physical world falls apart and my physical health is questionable, my mental and emotional well-being is being acknowledged. As long as I don’t go down again. That would be really bad.

And Steve continues to thrive and love his big, full life with no regard or compassion for me at all. It’s amazing how quickly some people can shut off. I wish he had half of my problems – that might be more humbling to him. But he’s destined to walk on water.

Life. Sucks.

The email

To my counsellor

The MRI was as panic inducing as I expected. In fact I anticipated a seizure as a result of the huge stress on my body. Had it not been for  a friend holding my hand – I couldn’t have done it. The hole was so small and the noise just terrifying. But I am relieved it’s done. I’m also relieved that I didn’t have a seizure – this is surely a positive sign?

I heard on Friday night that the cop in England was found guilty. He will have a record and be unable to work for any police force, corrections, security type roles.

I’m still struggling with it. The guilty thing was decided which indicates he was in the wrong and I feel vindicated. Yet another part of me thinks that he is so less worse then the rapist. He was only ever nice to me – even when he was commanding. He manipulated me in such a way that he made me feel safe, even when he made me feel ashamed and dirty. How can that be? I hoped that Steve might see the ‘affair’ in a different light, that is, there was no black and white. But he has moved on/no longer cares. This outcome is something you and I need to discuss in more detail. Also, the investigating officer is calling me on Tuesday night to explain in detail what it all means and in her words ‘to ensure I have good support in place.’

It’s certainly been a roller coaster of emotions. The betrayal of good friends, the stress of the MRI, the results of the investigation and also learning that Steve is not and cannot be my ‘go to person’

Yet I still learn nothing. Today (Saturday) I longed for my family, for my role as mother and yes I admit I longed for a partner to bear part of my burden. I didn’t consider my fragile emotional/mental state. Instead ploughing on with my expectations.

My eldest C had horse riding and my other children wanted to go roller skating. I was happy to take C and then meet Steve and the kids at roller skating. I longed for the ‘normal’ family outing. Instead the complete opposite happened – as I’m sure you could have predicted. C fell off her horse, once I knew she wasn’t hurt I began a tirade of vitriol towards the horse she was on. My daughter was upset by my comments. She told me I ruined good things for her and that’s why she didn’t like me taking her horse riding. What could I say to that? I have let my own daughter down with my anger.

I was angry because I was scared for her. I couldn’t catch her, I couldn’t save her, so instead I placed all of my powerlessness at the horse. Plus the fact the damn horse did cause my daughter to fall!

So we drove on to roller skating. Her, refusing to talk to me. When we arrived H wanted to skate but my fears clawed at me straight away, the roller skates weren’t made especially for young children, there was no helmet, no pads! My little boy would be vulnerable. I think by this stage Steve saw me as a total nuisance.

I wasn’t needed. I was just a taxi, this was Steve’s show and I was encroaching. I didn’t belong.

Why did I have these ridiculous expectations? Why can’t I learn? This is not my family anymore. We’re not a unit. I am mother on my time, nothing more.

My friend S has continually been by my side, trying to keep me focussed on reality – I cannot appreciate her enough.

I left the skating ring. I didn’t want to physically turn away from my children, but I realised that this wasn’t my place. They had Steve and he was more than enough.

I got some wine and lie miserably on my couch. Images of England and what happened barking at my heels, my hidden fears about my health, the sense of loneliness and the pain. Reality fucking hurts.

The positive things to come out of this is that as we discussed I have taken some control over my death (if that was happen). I sat and wrote everything out. My wishes, the practical aspects, access codes. I saved it as a draft email. I won’t send until I’ve completed my letters to the children. But I know I have at least made things easier and there is less to worry about. In doing this I realised all of my outgoings, so I’ve had to face up to this and make some serious changes.

The week about starts next week as Steve isn’t travelling. I’m deeply saddened that it’s come to this. I grieve again for the home I’ve lost and the sense of partnership I imagined for myself. But I realise I can’t emotionally sever ties until I start removing myself from ties.

Tonight I feel a sense of relief that the week is all but over. I’m so grateful to the friends I’ve come to realise are true and can reach out too. But I’m so sad, so lonely and so fed up with myself (more than Steve is – which is saying something!).

I felt so much lighter after our last session and wanted to get down everything that’s happened to make some sense of it. To fill you in and get your much appreciated feedback.

If I don’t hear from you tonight (and that’s ok!) I’ll see you tomorrow,

Much love

Had the MRI

I’ve had the MRI. It was bloody awful. The hole was tiny and I could reach up and touch the top. I felt squished inside. And I had a bloody cage thing over my head. It was hard not to get into a panic attack, but my friend was able to sit in with me and she held my hand. Without her, I couldn’t have done it. I cried, I panicked and the headphones didn’t drown out the horrible noise.

Interestingly though, my body was under huge stress but I didn’t have a seizure. I really thought I might. My heart rate was extremely high while I just sat and waited, it would have shot up during that experience. I hope this is a very good sign.

The drive home took hours because it’s a long weekend and there was a crash. I just wanted to get home! Even to this horrible place I call home.

I’m going to watch a movie and then have an early night.

Anything else can wait.