One of my friend’s messaged me, she asked how I was, I told her about the MRI and how scared I was – and she immediately offered to come with me. Even though it’s a different town. I’m so happy and appreciative of this. I didn’t expect anyone to drop anything and come rushing to my side, but I did expect friends to message me and ask how I was. I’m often seen as the ‘strong’ person, I’m assertive and usually very confident. But right now, I’m scared. I’m scared, vulnerable and feel very alone. I don’t trust my body, I feel so tired and sad.
Last night I barely slept, I was so scared that I was going to die in my sleep. I’m worried for my children, that would scar them for life. I’m probably being overly dramatic, but I just don’t know anything anymore. I’m ashamed to admit to being vulnerable. And I’m facing my fear head on. Crying when I need too, and speaking out loud about it.
Today I sat with my counsellor and let everything tumble out. My disappointment at the lack of support, my pain over Steve not giving a damn and my fears about the loss of control over my own body. I think this is one of the few sessions where I let my emotions rule. Usually I intellectualise everything in a bid to avoid the hard stuff. But I’m way past that now. It’s actually very freeing to say and feel whatever floats to the surface.
I’ve had a couple of jobs from applications ages ago come through and offer an interview. I’m still going for those. I can’t put my life on hold while I wait for test results. I need something else to focus on. I had all these plans, to get a job I loved, to eventually change my house and get a new car. I wanted to be living and succeeding. I was also using the gym to lose weight and get fit. But after the seizure, it felt like everything was slipping out of my hands. My body betrayed me. And then no one helped to pick up the pieces.
It feels like it’s one battle after another. I’m growing tired and disheartened.
I just want this MRI to be over and then to be told there’s nothing wrong with me, it was just a blip. A fall out from pushing so hard to get a job and pushing myself at the gym. Then I can find a healthy balance and take it as a warning.
But I feel valued by two of my very good friends, my therapist has offered support out of hours and then of course my CPN offered to come with me. I guess I’m not such a bad person.