Alone

I sat with my CPN today and cried. I felt so alone and so afraid for my health and my future.

I’d posted about the cardiology appointment on Facebook and received the obligatory public responses. Expressions from well wishers. But how many of these people contacted me privately and offered support? None. It was a stark reminder that I don’t have any true friends. My manager from my volunteer job text me and offered to go to the MRI with me! She’s my boss and even she offered more than anyone else.

I realise that I’ve continued to have high expectations of Steve. I always thought that he’d be the one that would always be there for me – as I would for him. But I’m continually disappointed. This health scare has really made me realise that he feels absolutely nothing for me – im merely existing in his world to look after the kids. I guess this is the final shove I needed to sever all of my emotional ties. I’ve decided to make the custody arrangements more streamlined. I won’t come up to the house anymore – it’s really causing me too much pain. And I won’t sit and wait all night for Steve to come home. So we’re doing ‘week about’ that is a week each in turn. And on my week, they’ll stay with me at my house. This won’t cause Steve any inconvenience, he’ll just have his mum come down. But I have to acknowledge that when they’re not with me, it’s nothing to do with me. It’s going to be hard (for me) but we need more consistency and I need defined boundaries. The weekend gone I stayed at the house because I was too scared to be alone. But it was clear that I was an inconvenience, Steve simply didn’t want me around.

I talked through all of this with my CPN, I talked about my fears, I talked about coming to a realisation about Steve, I expressed my sadness that I was so alone. Even my CPN offered to come with me to the MRI! So I guess I’m not totally on my own.

I’m seeing my counsellor tomorrow and I’ll go over this grief again. I’ve spent too many years bottling up emotions- that’s half my problem. It feels painful yet powerful to cry.

My children need me and they are my reason for being. But I’m so very tired of life. I’m sick of fighting all the time, I feel like my life is completely pointless. Even my own body is falling apart and is unknown to me.

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2 thoughts on “Alone

  1. Many of us have been there, so I like to think that we’re not really alone. That doesn’t help at all, I know. I’m annoying that way. So helpful. But I have been there, and it’s tough. Hugs because it is painful and you don’t deserve that.

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