Miserable

I saw my counsellor today and had a good cry about my fears surrounding the seizure. Living alone is so hard. I feel scared to sleep in case I don’t wake up, I’m scared I could pass out and knock myself out and literally no one will know until Steve needs me to get the kids. That’s all I am to him, a 24/7 nanny. He has no regard for my wellbeing at all. I’ve had to sit the kids down and explain what a seizure is and what to do. I feel a tremendous amount of pressure.

I’ve had a phone call from a cardiologist, I’m going in on Friday this week and Friday next week to have my heart monitored. I’m surprised they’re looking at my heart first. I’m sure nothing came up on the trace in the hospital. At least if it’s my heart it’s not a brain tumour. Steve will be disappointed, I’m sure he’s banking on me expiring soon, his family and him will dance on my grave.

How does it get to that? Your husband and best friend not giving a shit.

Last night I drove home in a terrific storm, thunder, lightening and wind. My worst fears. I could hardly see out my windscreen. I just hate this. All of this.

I can’t imagine things ever getting better for me. I’m struggling financially, my job hunt will have to wait until I find out what caused the seizure, I feel like I have nothing.

I was offered a great teaching job in China. It’s so tempting to say fuck it all and head over there. Actually enjoy my life for once. But now I have this health thing, it’s definitely off the table.

I took H to the dr today, he needs to have some blood tests done. Obviously he’s my priority now. I hope at the very least I can be there for my son.

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