Therapy

One of my friend’s messaged me, she asked how I was, I told her about the MRI and how scared I was – and she immediately offered to come with me. Even though it’s a different town. I’m so happy and appreciative of this. I didn’t expect anyone to drop anything and come rushing to my side, but I did expect friends to message me and ask how I was. I’m often seen as the ‘strong’ person, I’m assertive and usually very confident. But right now, I’m scared. I’m scared, vulnerable and feel very alone. I don’t trust my body, I feel so tired and sad.

Last night I barely slept, I was so scared that I was going to die in my sleep. I’m worried for my children, that would scar them for life. I’m probably being overly dramatic, but I just don’t know anything anymore. I’m ashamed to admit to being vulnerable. And I’m facing my fear head on. Crying when I need too, and speaking out loud about it.

Today I sat with my counsellor and let everything tumble out. My disappointment at the lack of support, my pain over Steve not giving a damn and my fears about the loss of control over my own body. I think this is one of the few sessions where I let my emotions rule. Usually I intellectualise everything in a bid to avoid the hard stuff. But I’m way past that now. It’s actually very freeing to say and feel whatever floats to the surface.

I’ve had a couple of jobs from applications ages ago come through and offer an interview. I’m still going for those. I can’t put my life on hold while I wait for test results. I need something else to focus on. I had all these plans, to get a job I loved, to eventually change my house and get a new car. I wanted to be living and succeeding. I was also using the gym to lose weight and get fit. But after the seizure, it felt like everything was slipping out of my hands. My body betrayed me. And then no one helped to pick up the pieces.

It feels like it’s one battle after another. I’m growing tired and disheartened.

I just want this MRI to be over and then to be told there’s nothing wrong with me, it was just a blip. A fall out from pushing so hard to get a job and pushing myself at the gym. Then I can find a healthy balance and take it as a warning.

But I feel valued by two of my very good friends, my therapist has offered support out of hours and then of course my CPN offered to come with me. I guess I’m not such a bad person.

Advertisements

Alone

I sat with my CPN today and cried. I felt so alone and so afraid for my health and my future.

I’d posted about the cardiology appointment on Facebook and received the obligatory public responses. Expressions from well wishers. But how many of these people contacted me privately and offered support? None. It was a stark reminder that I don’t have any true friends. My manager from my volunteer job text me and offered to go to the MRI with me! She’s my boss and even she offered more than anyone else.

I realise that I’ve continued to have high expectations of Steve. I always thought that he’d be the one that would always be there for me – as I would for him. But I’m continually disappointed. This health scare has really made me realise that he feels absolutely nothing for me – im merely existing in his world to look after the kids. I guess this is the final shove I needed to sever all of my emotional ties. I’ve decided to make the custody arrangements more streamlined. I won’t come up to the house anymore – it’s really causing me too much pain. And I won’t sit and wait all night for Steve to come home. So we’re doing ‘week about’ that is a week each in turn. And on my week, they’ll stay with me at my house. This won’t cause Steve any inconvenience, he’ll just have his mum come down. But I have to acknowledge that when they’re not with me, it’s nothing to do with me. It’s going to be hard (for me) but we need more consistency and I need defined boundaries. The weekend gone I stayed at the house because I was too scared to be alone. But it was clear that I was an inconvenience, Steve simply didn’t want me around.

I talked through all of this with my CPN, I talked about my fears, I talked about coming to a realisation about Steve, I expressed my sadness that I was so alone. Even my CPN offered to come with me to the MRI! So I guess I’m not totally on my own.

I’m seeing my counsellor tomorrow and I’ll go over this grief again. I’ve spent too many years bottling up emotions- that’s half my problem. It feels painful yet powerful to cry.

My children need me and they are my reason for being. But I’m so very tired of life. I’m sick of fighting all the time, I feel like my life is completely pointless. Even my own body is falling apart and is unknown to me.

Cardiology

I’ve just got back from the hospital for my cardiology appointment. I had an echo done and now I’m wired up to a portable heart monitor that I need to keep on for 24 hours.

The tech doing the echo wasn’t able to tell me if anything seemed off. But he told me about a few cases like mine. One guy his heart didn’t beat fast enough when he was exercising, one woman needed a pacemaker and another woman had epilepsy. All he said were fixable. Epilepsy is my worst fear. Next to a brain tumour I guess.

I’m having an MRI next Friday to look at potential neurological problems.

I’m impressed with how quickly the public system is moving. Hopefully it means I’ll get some answers sooner rather than later.

I’m a terrible claustrophobic, but the hospital staff have informed me that I can get a prescription for sedation from my GP. I’ve already made the appointment!

Last night I slept on Steve’s couch. I just couldn’t shake the feeling of doom, and fear of being alone and having a seizure. I guess I hoped Steve would be sympathetic and show me some compassion. He didn’t. I was left to lay on the sofa crying most of the night. It was nice to wake up in a house bustling with activity as my kids got ready for school though.

Facing something potentially life changing like this alone is a really terrifying prospect. Not least as I juggle PTSD which makes any medical processes feel even more invasive.

I feel like my life is on pause at the moment, and I’m restless and anxious.

Miserable

I saw my counsellor today and had a good cry about my fears surrounding the seizure. Living alone is so hard. I feel scared to sleep in case I don’t wake up, I’m scared I could pass out and knock myself out and literally no one will know until Steve needs me to get the kids. That’s all I am to him, a 24/7 nanny. He has no regard for my wellbeing at all. I’ve had to sit the kids down and explain what a seizure is and what to do. I feel a tremendous amount of pressure.

I’ve had a phone call from a cardiologist, I’m going in on Friday this week and Friday next week to have my heart monitored. I’m surprised they’re looking at my heart first. I’m sure nothing came up on the trace in the hospital. At least if it’s my heart it’s not a brain tumour. Steve will be disappointed, I’m sure he’s banking on me expiring soon, his family and him will dance on my grave.

How does it get to that? Your husband and best friend not giving a shit.

Last night I drove home in a terrific storm, thunder, lightening and wind. My worst fears. I could hardly see out my windscreen. I just hate this. All of this.

I can’t imagine things ever getting better for me. I’m struggling financially, my job hunt will have to wait until I find out what caused the seizure, I feel like I have nothing.

I was offered a great teaching job in China. It’s so tempting to say fuck it all and head over there. Actually enjoy my life for once. But now I have this health thing, it’s definitely off the table.

I took H to the dr today, he needs to have some blood tests done. Obviously he’s my priority now. I hope at the very least I can be there for my son.

Gym

Yesterday is going down in history as a REALLY bad day! I’ve had some bad days, but this really took the biscuit. I was at the gym, on the treadmill almost finishing my stint on it, when next minute I’m lying on the floor in the recovery position not knowing what the hell was going on. I found out later in hospital (an ambulance was called) that I hit the floor and had a violent seizure for 30 seconds, then spoke absolute gibberish for 5 minutes. There were two lovely gym members being really gentle with me, luckily it was at a time when it was staffed, and luckily for me I didn’t seriously injure myself.

The hospital ran some tests, nothing obvious was highlighted. But I’ve been referred to a neurologist. I have to wait for the phone call. Luckily the hospital let me go, there’s no way I was sleeping in there. I had to get Steve to pick me up and take me back to the gym where my car was. I have to say, being alone and not having someone there to support and care for me felt like a kick in the guts. I only asked the gym to call Steve because I was supposed to be collecting the kids. If he had planned to do it, I wouldn’t have had them call him. I know he doesn’t care or want to be involved. I miss that terribly.

I did message some friends though and got some incredible support. I wouldn’t usually reach out like that, but I did feel so alone. And being home alone after such a traumatic day felt miserable.

This morning I woke with a shocking migraine. I’ve not had one for a while. I had to go and get some super expensive migraine medication, but it was the only one that’d get rid of it. And I’m on kid duty this afternoon.

Aside from my gym event, a lot of other stuff has been going on. We had H (6) assessed because we were worried that he wasn’t progressing academically. Turns out he’s monumentally behind his targets. It seems he might have a learning disability. I’ve seen his school principal to find out how the hell this has gone unnoticed and what they can do to support him in class. I’ve also arranged for him to see the GP because he’s so tired all the time. Just to eliminate any underlying health issues. I am really worried about my boy and feel terrible that it’s gone on this long.

I’ve had more interviews and more rejections, although the feedback from my interviews has been good, I just miss out.

It’s been affecting my confidence, it’s been hitting my finances because of the petrol I have to keep buying and the parking I keep paying for. And I’ve been feeling a bit run down. It’s stressful doing loads of interviews. I saw Ian, my CPN and he reassured me that anyone would feel tired and depressed from the interviewing and I’m on kid duty after school so the days have been long and trying. We both agreed I should take a week break and then get back into it again.

I have been catching up with friends at the weekends and it’s been really nice to have more of a social life. I’m trying not to isolate myself again.

I’m feel a bit fragile emotionally and physically. I’ll be glad to get some answers about this seizure and know how I can avoid it happening again. It’s really made me feel anxious about going back to the gym, but I’ll make it. I’ll just take it easy.

I’m doing a lot of work in counselling, I feel really committed to the process. I’m ready to really explore things and work through things.

Being real

I’m still going to the gym! People have told me I look like I’m losing weight. But I can’t see it! I’m so impatient for results. I went to see my GP to see if maybe she could prescribe some pills. Apparently there’s only one brand available in NZ and it’s dangerous with the medication I’m on. Gutted. The GP told me I can’t expect to lose weight like a normal person because of my history with medication and an under active thyroid. So the frustration continues. At least I’m enjoying my gym sessions.

I feel that after discussion with my CPN, my baseline is lower than I’d hoped. I’m actually quite a miserable person! At least I’m not technically depressed.

I’m still interviewing for jobs. I’ve had a couple of offers actually. Neither of them really appealed and I want to be sure that I’m taking on a job that I really want and feel passionate about. That said, I’m getting sick of my financial restraints. I’m struggling all the time. It’s so frustrating when Steve is living like a king and I’m here with nothing, struggling to make ends meet. I have made plans the last few weekends and although it’s been great to be social – I really can’t afford it.

But none of this is why I actually started this blog entry.

Today I had a really intense therapy session. I verbalised my shame over something’s I’ve done and the part I played with this cop that’s still under investigation. I actually talked about my shame and my disgust. I cried, I hurt, I put it all out there. My confusion, my anger, my vulnerability. My deep rooted sadness. My chest clenched so tightly with anxiety that it hurt, it literally hurt to breathe. Then I got this painful ache in my stomach. My whole body was reacting. I’ve not talked in so much detail about my own behaviour and my own shame. My therapist was pleased that I felt in a place to actually talk about these things. To start healing. Although I felt I was exposing a broken part of me, my therapist told me that it was time I honoured all these feelings and it denotes strength. I thought about that as I drove to pick up the kids. To be honest if I wasn’t on call for the kids, I would have dedicated some more time to thoughts and feelings. Which is something I usually try to avoid. I hate feeling uncomfortable. The therapist told me I should be kind to myself and I should forgive myself for thinking so badly of myself. It’s interesting that she worded it that way. Forgive myself for thinking badly of me – not, forgive myself for my behaviours.

I feel like something shifted in me today. Or at least is gradually shifting. I’m thinking about things on a far deeper level and it’s for no other reason than for myself. I want to be the best version of myself; which means facing some home truths and things that are uncomfortable.

It’s a bit like the gym, I’m doing that for me. So that I can feel good, and have my time to clear my head. Therapy is doing that to my insides. Or better yet, I’m doing it for myself.

It’s still difficult not having someone to discuss all this with. I do feel lonely but I know that Steve isn’t the person I can talk to about things. He’s not my person, and never will be. I don’t resent him as much as I have. I see how we’re such different people with such different needs. It’s hard to be angry with someone when you’re more focussed on sorting out your own life.

And that’s really where I’m at now, trying to become a more authentic person so that I can be a better mother/friend. There is so much more I need to work on, I need to grieve over, I need to move on from. I feel like I’m finally getting all the tools, I just need to do the work.

I’m taking life day by day. Trying not to over think things, trying not to waste energy on the things I can’t control.

I can’t say I’m a fully revised version of myself! Just someone that wants peace, to be true to herself and to be a great mum.