I have been trying to fight this low. I can’t bear to feel like I did before. I joined a gym and have made myself go everyday – even though my body is painfully resistant. I can’t believe how unfit I am.
I also saw the volunteer agency to see if there was anything I could offer my time towards. There were a few suggestions, and I’ve contacted the places. Unfortunately I’ve only heard back from one and their training doesn’t start until August . I thought volunteering would be easy to organise.
Steve and I got into it last night, i ended up getting drunk. This afternoon he’s basically referred to our entire marriage as a sham and that stung. He thinks so little of me, and can barely look at me in person. It’s incredible how quickly he’s come to loathe me. I suggested we have a conversation, try to hash out our differences and reach a compromise, but he’s turned me down point blank. I guess I need to get used to it. He’s not going to change and I have to stop letting it hurt me. I worry about the children though, they pick up vibes really easily. It’s so unfair to them.
I’m still attending my Married, Separated and Widowed group. I’m determined to stay committed to this course, as it does me good to get out one night a week. And it forces me to be social – even when I don’t want to be. One of the facilitator’s offered to go walking with me this weekend in a bid to keep me active. She text this evening, so we’re going out tomorrow morning. I also have the monthly survivors group tomorrow.
Next week Steve is away so I’m up at the house. It’ll be great to spend time with all the kids and in a nice house – with a bath!
So I’m doing what I can but it feels like an uphill battle. I can’t imagine getting to a place where I’m genuinely happy and enjoying everyday.