Doing things

I have been trying to fight this low. I can’t bear to feel like I did before. I joined a gym and have made myself go everyday – even though my body is painfully resistant. I can’t believe how unfit I am.

I also saw the volunteer agency to see if there was anything I could offer my time towards. There were a few suggestions, and I’ve contacted the places. Unfortunately I’ve only heard back from one and their training doesn’t start until August . I thought volunteering would be easy to organise.

Steve and I got into it last night, i ended up getting drunk. This afternoon he’s basically referred to our entire marriage as a sham and that stung. He thinks so little of me, and can barely look at me in person. It’s incredible how quickly he’s come to loathe me. I suggested we have a conversation, try to hash out our differences and reach a compromise, but he’s turned me down point blank. I guess I need to get used to it. He’s not going to change and I have to stop letting it hurt me. I worry about the children though, they pick up vibes really easily. It’s so unfair to them.

I’m still attending my Married, Separated and Widowed group. I’m determined to stay committed to this course, as it does me good to get out one night a week. And it forces me to be social – even when I don’t want to be. One of the facilitator’s offered to go walking with me this weekend in a bid to keep me active. She text this evening, so we’re going out tomorrow morning. I also have the monthly survivors group tomorrow.

Next week Steve is away so I’m up at the house. It’ll be great to spend time with all the kids and in a nice house – with a bath!

So I’m doing what I can but it feels like an uphill battle. I can’t imagine getting to a place where I’m genuinely happy and enjoying everyday.

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5 thoughts on “Doing things

  1. hi penny hope your well, it will happen, you will get to that place where your happy, small, baby steps. good luck with the gym, getting fit is a good thing! Enjoy the time with the kids next week!

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  2. good job. i have ptsd, and i have a hard time going outside. i’ve recentLy had knee replacement surgery so i will need to join a gym too. but i am doing my exercises every day, have increased reps and sets. but i hate exercise. do you have a secret that helps you go to the gym?

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    1. I wish there was a secret! I drag myself out to the gym and try to make excuses all the way not to go! The only thing is that I feel good for having been, so I guess that’s a motivator. The gym is 24 hours, so I can go when I feel like it, which also helps

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  3. Penny, I’m so glad to hear that you are pushing forward. I know it’s not easy. I know that it’s hard to make yourself go to the gym, walking with a friend & even to meetings, but I’m so happy to hear that you are. Do those things for YOU because you DESERVE it. 1/2 of the battle is deciding to go.
    And Steve.. ugh.. sometimes i believe people choose to push us as far away as possible when we end relationships by being as hurtful as possible because they simply aren’t mature enough to do it any other way. I’m sorry he’s made you feel all your time was a sham when you know it wasn’t. He’s become toxic & that’s a shame, but not your fault. It’s a reflection of his inability of how to handle the end of the relationship as it was. That’s hard… perhaps in time it will improve. Until then, you love your kids and be the best mom you can be! Enjoy those moments!
    This newness isn’t easy and takes baby steps and time. Give yourself grace and be proud of the progress you’ve made. You are stronger than you thought and doing a great job!!

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