I’m really fighting back against this low. I’m determined not to spiral into the horrible, black abyss I’ve been in before. Today was another example. I woke up but didn’t want to get up at all. It wasn’t just tiredness, it was a complete unwilling to take part in my life. Fortunately Steve has been away a lot recently so I have the kids – which I love. They were my motivation for getting up this morning, but it still felt like trudging through mud.
My friend and I did the yoga class last week and really enjoyed it. Today, I really didn’t want to go, I just wanted to drop the kids off and crawl back into bed. The strength of this feeling is like a magnet. But I dressed in my gym gear and drove to yoga, determined to just give it a few minutes at least. For the first 10 minutes I hated it. My body wouldn’t comply, I was tense, anxious, kept thinking about how I could just have stayed in bed. But gradually I got into the yoga – although I’m not bendy at all, my yoga days are well behind me.
I had a quick coffee with my friend, even though I’d never have imagined being out in public earlier.
I didn’t want to go on to the gym, I reasoned that I’d done my hour of yoga – but thought about how previously I’ve felt better for going, even when I really didn’t want too. So I went and had a fantastic workout, I’m getting stronger and I’m speeding up on the old treadmill. I left sweaty and with shaking muscles but dead proud of myself for my achievement.
I think I’m on the right anti depressants at last. They really act as a buffer. And fighting against my cumbersome body must be paying off. Although physically I haven’t changed which is really annoying.
Tomorrow I’m back at my volunteer role and I’m supposed to attend this special Easter luncheon. Mingling with different people from the organisation. I’m dreading it. Absolutely dreading it. But I will go, I’ve made that commitment to my boss and myself, even though I’ll be incredibly anxious.
In small steps I’m taking part in my life. It’s not easy and my internal monologue is still full of self loathing, doubt and anxiety. I ‘catastrophe’ every event/communication that I have. Some habits are harder break then others.
As for Satchel, she just keeps getting worse, her metaphors are cringeworthy, and she just rambles on aimlessly desperate to impart her knowledge of the Buddhist way of living, if I even mention stress or anything I want to get off my chest – she immediately stops me to meditate. It’s very off putting and unhelpful. I’m still on waiting lists for other therapists, but I also chased up my old counsellor and put it to her boss that I couldn’t afford the usual charge but wasn’t having much luck elsewhere. She said she’d talk to my counsellor and see what they could do – I never imagined I’d be able to do that. It feels embarrassing and shameful to basically beg for cheaper sessions.
Anyway, I’m off to pick up the kids and then make them all a lovely dinner (although they probably won’t like it!) but taking the time to prepare nice dinners for them feels like another way to show my love for them. Rather than putting frozen nuggets in the oven all the time – although that’s ok of course! And I still resort to that at times!