I’ve been trying to fight it, but the low is beginning it’s suffocating embrace. I’ve put it down to my past and the anniversary but time is passing and I’m not getting any better.
I saw my counsellor today, Satchel, and she’s heavily into Buddhism (I don’t care about her religious preferences) but it means the therapy always goes off on a tangent about what Buddhists think/do. The last session and this session I couldn’t face the pain of talking about confronting things, so I let her waffle on. She seemed oblivious at times that this was a counselling session. I think a good counsellor would bring out what I’m thinking about and give me space to work through it. But I’ve never been very good at facing the pain, so I have good distraction techniques and as she likes to talk, it’s worked out for me. Although then I walk away and feel cheated, that’s on me I know. But now there’s so room to open up, I feel like we’ve become a student/teacher dynamic.
My grief over my marriage is huge, the enormity of all I’ve lost, the sense of loneliness, the feel of being out in this void. I have no direction. I’ve lost my best friend. Memories keep floating up, of which we’ve accumulated lots, and it just fills me with this intense pain. I miss my home, I miss being part of a family. The kids prefer the house naturally and have voiced that they don’t like mine. I don’t like mine! I hate returning to my dark little house, leaving behind my family and the warmth of the house. It feels like a waking nightmare.
Steve has fully moved on. His career is really soaring, he loves his job and has a great social life. He’d probably say he’s doing better without me. Perhaps that’s true.
I also saw my CPN, I was completely honest. I told him I considered stopping my medication (as previously that’s pushed me into a mania) and I’d give anything for that energy. I’ve also considered taking all of my medication and ending it all. To my surprise he said he understood, it made complete sense that I’d want to get away from the depths of my depression. I appreciated his response. Not panic or judgement, just acceptance. He said he’d speak to the psychiatrist and get some advice. He’s recommended the usual cures. Not staying in bed, getting exercise, good ideas but I’m seriously lacking the motivation. I’m literally only getting out of bed to see the kids. Without them, I’d be stuck in bed and would have long since given up.
My CPN did email me and my anti depressant is going to be increased. I’m doubtful that it would have any effect, but I’m willing to try it.
I can’t stand another low like before. It was that which sent me to England in the end.
I just don’t see much point in anything anymore. Aside from my children obviously.