So I’ve just come back from the course. I could feel my irritation levels were really high. I felt like a kid in school about to rebel (only in this instance it was just not putting my phone on silent). I knew why I felt like this, it was both out of my comfort zone and confronting. People were really open with their emotions. I found it really hard hitting. Obviously I feel sorry for them but I have so much of my own pain and trauma that I’m barely able to confront. I realise they are stronger for feeling and expressing their emotions. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to do that in a healthy setting.
About an hour in I felt absolutely exhausted. I wondered how I was going to last.
I’m glad I went because I pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I sat in a group of strangers all after the same thing, closure.
Am I taking on too much? Quite possibly. But the next course isn’t until September, so I might as well start it now.
Driving back to the house I felt a deep sense of sorrow. I am sad for myself. And why not? No one else is going to be.
It might turn out that this group isn’t for me, so I’m going to go next week and give it a good shot.
Tomorrow I’m catching up with my CPN.