I’m acutely aware that February is pressing down on me, the month of the anniversary of the rape. I’ve decided this year not to find out the exact date. As every year I face the same dilemma, to confirm the date or not. Confirming the date hasn’t made any difference and my brain refuses to remember the exact date, so I’m going with my brain’s desire. I saw my CPN today and warned him that February would be difficult, and fortunately I have a psychiatrist appointment on the 26 January so I can get some planning in place mentally. It’s awful because I spend January dreading February, in a state in February and then it ticks over to March.
I can feel myself becoming more emotional, but I refuse to let my fear wear me down. I’ve gotten into good practice walking the dog every night, and I feel much better for reconnecting with my friends, something I plan on keeping up.
I finally saw the kids today and the whole day turned to shit. I waited at Steve’s house as he’d text to say they were going out, then that they’d be late. When they arrived back, J was the only one that talked to me! It’s like I didn’t exist. Steve had bought them bits for their rooms – more stuff I can’t do, and they were engrossed in sorting out their rooms to accomodate the new stuff. I sat on the couch and read a magazine, pretending the whole thing wasn’t hurtful. Next minute, Steve and the girls were playing a card game! I didn’t get asked, there was no consideration of the fact I was there waiting. I just felt crushed. So I announced I was leaving. I just KNEW Steve would text something to either guilt trip me or pass blame and sure enough that text arrived ‘why were you so moody with the kids?’ – I couldn’t even be bothered to get into it. He will never know what it’s like to be left out so frequently.
I came home miserable and opened up a bottle of wine. I rarely drink (especially alone) but I just wanted to unwind and watch some movies. Get rid of this icky feeling. To be honest I still can’t escape how this whole thing has made me feel. But tomorrow Steve is going camping at a friend’s house, so I’m spending the night up there in his kingdom. So who knows? Maybe the kids will notice me? Maybe Steve can lose his reign for the night.