While the kids have been away, it’s been tempting to just sit and wallow in self pity. Instead I’ve made a concerted effort catching up with friends – and it’s been fabulous! I forget how kind, warm and accepting my friends are. In my head I get such anxiety about perceptions and things to talk about. I fear I’m a bad conversationalist, boring company. That friends will judge me harshly and try to get out of seeing me again. It’s not a reflection on them, but my own paranoia and self doubt. Instead I’m left wondering; why did I leave it so long? It’s been great to have adult company, share stories, share experiences. There’s a glimpse of the old confident, capable person.
I even took a drive out to check out a different outdoor pool for when the kids get back. I’m not great anymore at driving out of my comfort zones, and I relied solely on google maps, but I loved having a swim on a hot summers day. Beat sitting around feeling sorry for myself. And I wasn’t self conscious because I was enjoying the pool, I wasn’t worried about what other people were thinking. And that’s a lot of my trouble, I get caught up worrying about what other people think.
Tonight my friend suggested I look at volunteer work while I look for the ideal part time job. It hadn’t occurred to me, so I think I’ll look into it. That may also help my self confidence and allow me to gain different experience.
I am still missing the kids terribly, and I still harbour resentment towards Steve for creating these new memories and experiences with the kids without me. I’ve had mixed responses from friends, some feel I’m right and it’s understandable some think it’s obvious he’d take the kids away without me and I should just accept it. I think both of these perspectives are right. But obviously for me it’s emotional so of course I’m entitled to feel left out, resentful and it’s another kick in the guts from Steve. Facing them all when they get back will be difficult. I don’t want to hear about their holiday. I’d rather just forget this period of time occurred. Not seeing my friends though! I need to make more of an effort to maintain contact with people.
I’m not sure what I’m doing tomorrow, but I’ll try and keep busy.