Kids away

So my ex husband has gone on holiday with my children. He’s rented a house (with a pool) and they’ve all gone for nearly a week.

To say I’m gutted is an understatement. It was bad enough when he took them to Napier, but at least it was their grandparents over Xmas time. This is another not so subtle stab in the chest that we’re no longer a family. Although he did had the audacity to say that when he gets back his friend is hosting a party with guests pitching tents and he’d rather leave the kids with me then because he’ll ‘be sick of them’ by then. So I’m really just a glorified nanny to him, to step in and take over when he needs me. To bugger off when he doesn’t. I hate being in this situation which I’m guilty of putting myself in because I’m obviously keen to see my children. I feel really upset that he didn’t offer for me to join the holiday – is that wrong of me? I’d have dearly loved to hang out with them outside of town and I know how much they love pools. It’s not like Steve and I wouldn’t get on of an evening, we both like the same tv shows. But I think he did this on purpose to reinforce a boundary. Perhaps it’s another reminder that I needed. Not this his constant cruel and callous attitude towards me isn’t enough but this is a tangible display of having different lives. I’ll never be able to provide such lavish holidays for the kids, which makes me feel like a miserable failure. Their dad will always be the one with the expensive gifts and big holidays. How am I supposed to compare?

The weather is shocking with an unrelenting storm hitting the North Island (and is it wrong of me to say South Island with a smile -where they are). It’s constant rain and winds. It’s been like it over the Xmas period and ever since. To be honest, I don’t mind the rain and lower temperatures, I’m happy to curl up and read. It’s hard to get stuff done in the heat. That said, I’ll be pleased to see some sun when the kids get back, so I can take them out to the beach and pools.

I’m feeling really miserable at the moment with the kids gone, so I’m just going to wallow in it. This separation stuff does not get any easier.

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