So, the job is mostly OK but I worked a night shift the other night, 9pm – 7am and it was hideous. I felt sick and so tired I was seeing double, I would never usually drive feeling like that, but I was desperate to get home and decided that the train wouldn’t be much safer in the state I felt in. It screwed up my medication regime, ruined the day because I couldn’t keep my eyes open, so missed out on time with the kids, and even today, following on, I’ve not felt well. Night shifts are really hard for people anyway, but throw a mental illness into the balance, and its a recipe for disaster. I’m a bit annoyed because I was supposed to be working today (even though I didn’t feel like it) drove all the way into the city, had to find a parking space and then there was an issue with the roster, so no one was expecting me. And I’m apparently still supposed to be monitored until I can be trusted to go it alone. I took the opportunity to leave and have continued to rest all day.
I had a mood shift earlier in the week, I suddenly broke down in the shower and sobbed. I felt like my entire life was a joke, the car battery had died that died that morning, I adopted this dog (on trial) from a complete psycho (I didn’t know that until too late) and I am stressed about finances. It all seemed to catch up with me, and I felt terribly lonely and sad. It scared me that my mood could plummet like that after a period of stability. I made an appointment to see my CPN this Friday, and tried talking to my ex about it. Naturally that ended in disaster. I can’t seem to get my head around the fact that he literally doesn’t care. His only interest in me was getting to sign the house over, other than that, I am someone to be tolerated because we have kids together. I had hoped for a friendship, as we have known each other for so long, but he continues to put me down to the kids, and treat me like the lowest demoninator. I did reach out to friends, they were receptive and reminded me that I had been through a lot the last few weeks and it was to be expected that I’d have wobbly days. That made me feel better. On the whole I was beginning to regret coming back to NZ, despite getting a house and a job and trying to stand on my own two feet. But I think with everything just got overwhelming. And being single there is no one to share this vulnerability with. A cuddle and some reassurances would be nice, but I cant imagine sharing my life with anyone else. Its almost too hard to contemplate being able to trust and love anyone else.
The kids have been awesome. J in particular is awesome with the dog. She has such a natural ability with animals. I hope she will become a vet nurse and tap into that skill and natural ability. I don’t know how I could have juggled a job and training a new dog. He’s pretty cool, he’s one year old, so not so puppy which I wanted, but the woman that had him before was so mentally unstable, I’m worried about the upbringing he had. He has been amazing with the kids, very patient and gentle, but I feel myself guarded. I’m also guilty of comparing him to my last dog, who was awesome, and who I tried to find on my return back from England, but couldn’t locate him. I miss him a lot. It is nice to have a dog around the house again, I feel more secure and its forced me to take walks that I usually avoid doing.
My landlord has been great and installed security lights around the front, so I feel better about that, plus its easier when I get back from a night shift.
I am worried about my health in the long term with these unreasonably long hours, I have decided to be honest about my concerns – although NOT mention my mental health but rather my capacity to work such a long night shift, with a drive home in the morning, It simply isn’t safe, plus I’m hardly performing at my best past 1am and can’t concentrate.
So aside from glitches, things continue to be OK. I wouldn’t say I’m operating at 100%, I have stresses and concerns and I feel particularly sensitive. But hopefully I can iron these things out.
Having the kids stay at my house has been really nice. They seem to love it here and I’m so relieved I can accomodate everyone. Just!