Trials and tribulations

So the dog trial has ended rather abruptly.  After destroying my house yesterday while I picked up the kids, today I left him him the garden while I dropped the kids off and he smashed a window, trying to get back into the house.  He’s fine, but now I’m facing a glazier bill.  At least my landlord was OK about it.  Definitely should have trusted my gut with this one.  If the owner is stark raving bonkers, chances are, the dog won’t be of sound mind either.  I will try the SPCA next, as hopefully they’ll have a better history.  But one thing is for sure – I’m not rushing!

The kids will be devastated, but not as upset if the dog went for them at some point, and who knows, that could be next, if glass won’t stop him?!

My ex husband has been really annoying.  I wanted to take my 11 year old to the Rag N Bone man concert, but he’s deemed it inappropriate.  Its not at all, we love his music.  I think its a power trip for him.  Like the other day he told me exactly how many nights I had the kids so far because he’s reporting it to the IRD – therefore if I don’t have 50%, I’ll owe money.  But he’s not considered that I have only just moved house and started a new job! So I’m not sure what all this is about.  Maybe to get at me over something?  He’s been saying things to kids about me, even though I’ve not done that, and even defended him when he swore at me over the phone in front of the kids. I’m literally just trash to him and I can’t understand why he hates me so much.  Unless he’s worried that I want to get back with him and he’s trying to set boundaries, like an electric fence.  But I miss companionship, and I miss the old him, but the new him is horrible and I could never love that.  So unless he changes overnight, my feelings are in the past.  I don’t want to meet anyone else though, I need to get myself adjusted into the single life and not relying on anyone.  I have too many issues to work through.

I still have the occasional wobbles.  Like today, I could feel getting up was really hard and  I had to fight the whole time to get ready and get the kids ready. I don’t know why I have this, but I don’t like it.   Each time scares me.  Hopefully when I see my CPN on Friday, my medication can be increased.

Time is racing along and it won’t be long until xmas.  So glad I’m working over xmas, I hate the depression that inevitably sets in when xmas approaches.  Even though its summer here, it makes so difference to my mood.  In fact, a gloomy xmas is preferable because then at least there’s less pressure to do something and act a certain way.

Work tomorrow, which I’m kind of dreading.  Not sure why. My confidence has slipped, but it might do me some good to get back into it again.  Although I’m stressed about paying for parking!

Trials and tribulations, aye?!

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Glitch

So, the job is mostly OK but I worked a night shift the other night, 9pm – 7am and it was hideous.  I felt sick and so tired I was seeing double, I would never usually drive feeling like that, but I was desperate to get home and decided that the train wouldn’t be much safer in the state I felt in.  It screwed up my medication regime, ruined the day because I couldn’t keep my eyes open, so missed out on time with the kids, and even today, following on, I’ve not felt well.  Night shifts are really hard for people anyway, but throw a mental illness into the balance, and its a recipe for disaster.  I’m a bit annoyed because I was supposed to be working today (even though I didn’t feel like it) drove all the way into the city, had to find a parking space and then there was an issue with the roster, so no one was expecting me.  And I’m apparently still supposed to be monitored until I can be trusted to go it alone.  I took the opportunity to leave and have continued to rest all day.

I had a mood shift earlier in the week, I suddenly broke down in the shower and sobbed. I felt like my entire life was a joke, the car battery had died that died that morning, I adopted this dog (on trial) from a complete psycho (I didn’t know that until too late) and I am stressed about finances.  It all seemed to catch up with me, and I felt terribly lonely and sad.  It scared me that my mood could plummet like that after a period of stability.  I made an appointment to see my CPN this Friday, and tried talking to my ex about it.  Naturally that ended in disaster.  I can’t seem to get my head around the fact that he literally doesn’t care.  His only interest in me was getting to sign the house over, other than that, I am someone to be tolerated because we have kids together.  I had hoped for a friendship, as we have known each other for so long, but he continues to put me down to the kids, and treat me like the lowest demoninator.  I did reach out to friends, they were receptive and reminded me that I had been through a lot the last few weeks and it was to be expected that I’d have wobbly days. That made me feel better.  On the whole I was beginning to regret coming back to NZ, despite getting a house and a job and trying to stand on my own two feet.  But I think with everything just got overwhelming.  And being single there is no one to share this vulnerability with.  A cuddle and some reassurances would be nice, but I cant imagine sharing my life with anyone else.  Its almost too hard to contemplate being able to trust and love anyone else.

The kids have been awesome.  J in particular is awesome with the dog. She has such a natural ability with animals. I hope she will become a vet nurse and tap into that skill and natural ability.  I don’t know how I could have juggled a job and training a new dog.  He’s pretty cool, he’s one year old, so not so puppy which I wanted, but the woman that had him before was so mentally unstable, I’m worried about the upbringing he had.  He has been amazing with the kids, very patient and gentle, but I feel myself guarded.  I’m also guilty of comparing him to my last dog, who was awesome, and who I tried to find on my return back from England, but couldn’t locate him.  I miss him a lot.  It is nice to have a dog around the house again, I feel more secure and its forced me to take walks that I usually avoid doing.

My landlord has been great and installed security lights around the front, so I feel better about that, plus its easier when I get back from a night shift.

I am worried about my health in the long term with these unreasonably long hours,  I have decided to be honest about my concerns – although NOT mention my mental health but rather my capacity to work such a long night shift, with a drive home in the morning,  It simply isn’t safe, plus I’m hardly performing at my best past 1am and can’t concentrate.

So aside from glitches, things continue to be OK.  I wouldn’t say I’m operating at 100%, I have stresses and concerns and I feel particularly sensitive.  But hopefully I can iron these things out.

Having the kids stay at my house has been really nice.  They seem to love it here and I’m so relieved I can accomodate everyone. Just!

Update!

The job continues to go well and I’m proud of myself for my accomplishments. Financially it is hard, I haven’t been paid yet but I declared my income to the benefits office, which saw it sliced in half, and with the rent at the higher end of the spectrum, I think it’ll be tough to scrape by. But I much prefer to be working than living on benefits.

My mental health remains stable, although my sleep has been greatly affected and I’m absolutely exhausted. There is some anxiety surrounding the night shifts, but hopefully it’s just a case of getting used to it.

Steve has been away, so I’ve been looking after the kids and I have to say that all together it’s been a tiring week, and I work weekends too, so it’s of no benefit to me that it’s a long weekend.

It’s been good though, catching up with the kids and reestablishing my role with them.

I’ve been able to do a grocery shop, which I’m having delivered so that I can rest on Saturday prior to a night shift. It’ll be nice to have food in, and have my home feeling full. 

I’m seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow for the med review and I’m sure they’ll be surprised at what I’ve accomplished. I can’t continue with therapy at the moment because I can’t afford it. But hopefully in time I will be able to resume occasional sessions.

So, all is well and continues to stabilise for me 😊 what a long road it’s been!

Car! Sorted!

So now I officially own my own car. It’s a zillion years old, but hey, it’s all mine! And although finance was tempting to get a nicer car, I have grown up enough in the last year to know that adding to my financial pressure will ultimately affect me in a really bad way. The less stress the better.

My first week of work is done. Two assessments, passed both. Another one on Monday. It’s nice to feel tired from actually doing something! And I enjoy the work, the team are really nice.

The ‘separation agreement’ is now signed and official. The divorce is another $211, and I’m not particularly keen to get the ball rolling on that right now. Again, it’s pressure and upset I don’t need.

Tonight we’re going out as a family for my daughter’s 11th birthday dinner. It’ll be nice to all be together, things between Steve and I continue to be amicable and I’m pleased with the place we’re at. Although I still miss my husband, I’m not completely useless at life as a singleton. In fact I continue to get stronger and more confident. Let’s just hope it stays that way. My mental health continues to be a source of anxiety, like things are going so well, so where’s the price I need to pay? I’m seeing my psychiatrist next week, so it’ll be good to have a review and make sure I’m on track. I’m also seeing the benefits office to declare my part time income. I get really nervous about these things, I don’t want to screw the system (it’ll only backfire on me) so I’ll be able to get everything up to date.

So;

Job – sorted

House – sorted

Car – sorted 

Now I just need to get money actually IN my bank account so I can start saving and get some extra bits for my Home (dining table, knickknacks, etc). I did go to the charity store and get some more cutlery for a few bucks! I surprise myself!

Good things!

So my parents left today, but I saw them last night. It was still emotional even though things have been rocky here. Luckily it won’t affect the kids. But I’m still indebted from my time in England.

In other news, I’m LOVING my job training! I’m feeling very positive about that. Although it’s been a shock to the system! I’m knackered!

I’m LOVING my home. It’s all in place, and feels like home. Of course I miss the house I had with Steve – it was our ‘dream’ house after all. But I have to remind myself it’s just bricks and mortar at the end of the day (technically aluminium!).

The kids are with Steve’s parents in Napier, which is great for them, my children deserve to be spoilt and I have neither the money nor time at the moment. My eldest is here at the house, she’s just living on her laptop talking to school friends! 

So at the moment, contentment resides. I honestly NEVER imagined getting to this point. I seriously thought my life was on a continually bad plateau and that perhaps I’d been the worst person in a former life! My mental health does concern me, but I’m doing the only thing I can do, take my medication, get sleep and wait until the psychiatrist comes back from holiday. I’m terrified of plummeting, but I’m hoping the job satisfaction and feeling of having a ‘Home’ keeps me balanced.

Oh, and I can use the 24 hour police gym!!! So I save on membership and can actually start trying to get healthy again!

Falling into place

So I didn’t get a reply from my parents which upset me even more, then eventually they emailed steve to ask when their horse riding was. I was so gutted, I thought I’d sounded reasonable in the email and open to discussion. They ended up turning up at my house on Saturday to find out about the horse riding. Clearly discussing the email and it’s meaning was not an option for them. Dad wouldn’t look me in the eye and they seemed defensive. I am glad I saw them though, I’d have hated to have left on a bad note. Especially after England.

They left shortly after and they did turn up for horse riding – but then drove off again. Ah well, my issue is mine alone and I have to deal with it. At least my children won’t miss them.

My house is looking great! Everything is in its place – I just need a dining table now – but there’s no hurry. It really feels like a home and I love it.

Steve, as per our agreement is going to buy me a car next week, just a cheap runaround. As the rental goes back on Tuesday – I’ll miss having a car for a few days!

I’m glad things are civil with Steve. And I’m so happy that my kids love my house.

So I start my new job next week!  Very exciting! I wasn’t sure I’d get it because I have that traffic conviction, and I need a full police check but they were ok about it and I’m really looking forward to working again. It’s part time – up to 20 hours a week, which is exactly what I was looking for. And as my house is near the train station, I can train in!

Feels like things are falling into place. That makes me nervous! But I’m trying to remain optimistic – there should be ‘pay back’ for my good fortune!

Parent drama 

So I had therapy yesterday and in this session I discussed my feelings of disappointment that my parents are not making any effort with my children. I decided to confront the issue with an email which I’ve pasted here as I feel in retrospect that I was unfair – and the kids have agreed with my point – which discussed it. My relationship with my parents has always been tumultuous at best, but I really thought everything would be different in NZ. Sadly they have reverted to their old ways. I’ve not had a response so they’ve not even attempted to change their behaviour or discuss the situation;

Hello

You may have been surprised by my outburst and I don’t want you to think a, it was just a bipolar thing or b, I don’t appreciate what you have done for me.
In England you were both fantastic and I appreciated your support, financial and emotional. I’m really glad you came back with me. However, the reason I felt strongly that you should leave is because;
1, when I asked dad about the lawyer his immediate response was ‘that’s all we need’ and seemed put out that your plans were affected

2, you’ve not asked to spend ANY time with the kids and I felt I had to ‘force’ you to come to horse riding. I realise 4 is hard work but you could have taken it in turns to take 1 or 2 at a time 

3, there’s no point in saying you don’t want to ‘get in the way’ I’m back in NZ now and you guys have limited time with them

4, Ella was looking forward to her ‘birthday dinner’ which I suspect would never happen. And I’ve told you they’re going on Sunday.

5, I’ve heard you wax lyrical about your day trips and lunches out and not once have you asked me or the kids to join in. I realise it might be an ‘expense’ thing but the kids would have loved a trip to the park or the beach

6, I’ve had next to nothing in money, the WINZ pay out was minimal because of stand down times and only a few days were included. I have managed to feed the kids, but barely – although I appreciate that’s not your problem – it’s been stressful

7, I went to a therapy session but I was called before the session had even finished because there was no milk and the kids were to quote, ‘very noisy’ and I felt rushed to get back which subsequently made me anxious.

8, I’ve had to assume immediate, full time care of the kids with no support. I’d loved to have spent some more time doing the house, or perhaps just getting a coffee after my therapy session, some form of back up, but instead I’m juggling it all, while trying to manage my mental health and new medication 

9, Barb and Terry weren’t going to get involved over the school holidays because they assumed you’d want to spend time with the kids, but I realise you wouldn’t have coped for even the Monday, so they’re going earlier. Where I know, despite how I feel about them, they dote on the kids and will take them out, feed them, show an interest 

10, another example was dad not being particularly interested in seeing Moonie’s school

You may think I’m being unreasonable and I repeat, I know what you’ve done for me and I appreciate it. But I also know that if my kids needed me (with or without their own kids) I wouldnt give a damn about the country, I’d do everything possible for them. You repeatedly stated that this wasn’t a ‘holiday’ and yet you seem begrudged when I’ve asked for help. 
I don’t want to end on bad terms, it was really great connecting with you in England, and you’re more than welcome to stay at my house on Saturday night. I’ll stay at Steve’s so I can spend the night with the kids. After all it’s the least I can do for you after you accommodating me for 3 months and paying for my accomodation in NZ.
Perhaps I’ve expected too much of you and perhaps I should have been clearer about the sort of emotional support I’d need. But I know that when you stayed with us in NZ previously and Darwin, you were far more interested in sightseeing then spending quality time with the kids. That’s ok, I shouldn’t have anticipated anything else. We all have limits after all. I certainly have mine.
I’d like to thank you again and hope you continue to enjoy this beautiful country. And the weather stays nice for you. I’ve explained all of the above to the kids so they understand where I’m coming from and they can understand my frustration. But won’t think badly of you, just acknowledge that your relationship is different.
Hopefully see you around, if not, I love you both very much and thank you.