Life has been extremes as I anticipated but it’s gruelling and tiring.
I have looked at lots of rental properties (all awful). I have seen my lawyer, that tore my life apart, and I had an appointment with Work and Income which was extremely demoralising.
I’ve done everything I possibly can, keep applying for work, house hunting, got my benefits sorted, but I still feel like I’m drowning. I love weekends with the kids, they really keep me going.
New medication seems to be helping somewhat, but I’m anxious. I need them to work.
My parents are still doing the best they can, but I think they’re feeling the financial strain and will be happy for me to be sorted.
Two nights ago I got drunk (alone) on cheap plonk. I had very strong urges to self harm, I gave all of my sharp things to my parents- even my medication. It’s the first time I’ve been honest and done something preventative. I guess I’m kind of proud of myself for that. I’m sad that I got to that level. I hope it was just the wine, which is why I avoid drinking too much and why I won’t be doing that again.
Today I’ve finalised some more paperwork for work and income and am trying to rest.
Tomorrow I have therapy and more house viewings.
I’m just keen to get into a routine now. This all feels so temporary but in a scary way. I feel close to a panic attack often, as I have so little control over my future.