So I’ve secured a house! I can’t believe my good fortune, actually it terrifies me. Surely with something good comes something bad??

Paperwork is signed and I’m seeing the benefits office today to get help with the bond. I’ve done everything off my own back so far and I can’t begin to explain how much of an uphill battle it’s been.

I’ve sorted my utilities, now will be the big move from storage, which Steve has agreed to help with. 

Obviously I’m sad (again) that the house I owned with Steve, I’ll never live in again, but in time I’ll come to accept that. And Steve has asked me to look after the kids while he’s away, and I can do that at the house (as mine probably won’t be ready). So I get my kids for longer and get to enjoy the perks of the house!

My new home is small, older and in a nice neighbourhood. It seems quiet and is within walking distance of the train station. These are all huge pluses for me. The landlady seems really nice too.

I’ve gone about sorting the utilities, which felt nice to name a Home, as opposed to this motel.

My concern is a car. I’m using my parents rental, but they go soon so I’ll be without a car and I need one for work and driving the kids around. Steve has promised to help with that, but he’s promised a lot of things and not delivered, and my parents seem to have exhausted their reserves. They seem quite stressed about the outgoings piling up. I feel awful for putting them in that position. I feel quite useless and like I’ve failed them. But I hope in time I can redeem myself.

So today is benefits office and then therapy. Hopefully they will help lend me the money for the bond.

Then this evening I get my two youngest for the night, which will be awesome because I miss them terribly.



Life has been extremes as I anticipated but it’s gruelling and tiring.

I have looked at lots of rental properties (all awful). I have seen my lawyer, that tore my life apart, and I had an appointment with Work and Income which was extremely demoralising.

I’ve done everything I possibly can, keep applying for work, house hunting, got my benefits sorted, but I still feel like I’m drowning. I love weekends with the kids, they really keep me going.

New medication seems to be helping somewhat, but I’m anxious. I need them to work.

My parents are still doing the best they can, but I think they’re feeling the financial strain and will be happy for me to be sorted.

Two nights ago I got drunk (alone) on cheap plonk. I had very strong urges to self harm, I gave all of my sharp things to my parents- even my medication. It’s the first time I’ve been honest and done something preventative. I guess I’m kind of proud of myself for that. I’m sad that I got to that level. I hope it was just the wine, which is why I avoid drinking too much and why I won’t be doing that again.

Today I’ve finalised some more paperwork for work and income and am trying to rest.

Tomorrow I have therapy and more house viewings.

I’m just keen to get into a routine now. This all feels so temporary but in a scary way. I feel close to a panic attack often, as I have so little control over my future.


Am I disappointing my family (parents). Yes. 100% Gone are the ‘Europe xmas breaks’ we used to buy them, gone is my capacity to accommodate them in my own home, thus them only needing flights. I am now reliant on them financially and I would say emotionally but they’ve never been very good at that side of things. Every cent my father spends is another black mark against me. He can barely control his irritation. And to be fair, in his retirement, looking after a daughter that’s pushing 40 is a lot to ask.

So far I’ve enquired about numerous properties (competition is hot), made my benefit appointment and a slot to see my therapist, I’m still applying for jobs and may well have secured one – won’t know for sure for a little while. This has been me being proactive and not waiting for things to happen for me.

I’ve had my medication changed and feel much more positive about the regime. It’s just a shame that dr was temporary.

But my parents, they don’t seem to see it. Or maybe it’s all just not happening quickly enough. I still want to spend hours languishing in bed, I still feel low, my anxiety is shocking, sleep isn’t much better – but I’m trying desperately to organise my life.

Tensions are so fraught though, and arguments keep popping out – but you can tell they’re only mild releases of pressure. A big blow up feels imminent.

I feel quite alone in this struggle. I’m enduring another tidal wave of grief and sadness after seeing anything remotely mine in the house been chucked out. I understand Steve was being practical. And it’s just ‘stuff.’ But it’s a stark and shocking reminder that the house is nothing to do with me. That I don’t have a place there. I have no home. Yesterday I broke down and cried. I felt I could have cried for hours to be honest but with the kids around, I kept it hidden. They’re so happy to see me again, I don’t want them to think I’m unhappy.

I’ll have Harry and my daughter here in the motel tonight to sleep. Although it’s not very nice here, I’d like to spend more time with them.

So the struggle is ongoing, I’m really putting everything into putting my life in order. I think my parents just can’t understand me, the situation and the complexities of it. Although I’ve tried my best to explain. Something’s people only get it when they’re going through it themselves.


So after the gruelling flight from the UK we were stranded for a while in Auckland because of a burst oil pipeline. By this stage we were all tired and grouchy and desperate to get to bed.

My Dad has continually ignored my advice (which he asked for!) in terms of flights, car rental and accommodation. So it was no surprise that picking up the car was a hassle, having to call them, get shuttled to a random warehouse and being presented with the smallest car in the universe!

Tempers frayed and we all ended up rowing on the way to the motel. Which is hideous!! I’ve never stayed anywhere so bad! But of course, I can’t complain about that as well! And I’m not paying so I need to keep my complaints to myself.

Yesterday I saw the kids, which was awesome, I’ve missed them so much. Steve was far more amiable then I thought he would be, so it looks like we’ll be able to come to a compromise. I don’t want to be too complacent, you never know what can change.

Today I’m seeing my community psychiatric nurse, as I can’t see an actual psychiatrist until mid October! Ridiculous. But at least I can get my meds sorted out. I’m taking my parents with me, I think it’s important they understand my illness properly. I can see they’re getting angry with me because of my anxiety and constant depression – but I’m doing my best.

I can’t see my lawyer until next week, so that will help finalise things with steve.

I have an appointment with the benefit office next week (first one available) so I can sort out my benefits as I currently have no income and rely solely on my parents.

I’ve even been in touch with my therapist and made an appointment to see her in a week so I can continue with that.

So I’ve been fairly pro active. The biggest thing now is to organise a house.

I feel a bit better about things, but again, I won’t be complacent! And I can feel things are tense between my parents and I. My dad won’t insure me on the car for some reason and it’s caused me so much stress because once again, I’m beholden to them. Plus, I can’t get the kids and we won’t all fit in the car.

Small things, I know I can’t let myself get wound up about it and hopefully seeing the CPN today which highlight the issues I have a bit better.

But yep, sure am happy to be with my babies again!!

Last night

So it’s my last night in the U.K. I said goodbye to my sister which was far more difficult than I imagined. I cried all the way back from her place 

We’ve really reconnected and I’m really grateful for that. I’ll miss her terribly.

I’m looking forward to seeing my kids obviously but prior to that I have this god awful flight to contend with. My anxiety is bad anyway but it manages to encompass all of my fears; crowds, claustrophobia, lack of control.

I’m hoping to keep myself sufficiently drugged on both legs of the flight (going via Dubai again). Annoyingly my dad has booked with Emirates that I think is one of the worst airlines, but he’s paying so I can’t complain!

Naturally I’m incredibly anxious about the stress when I arrive in NZ. There’ll be a lot to plan and organise and no doubt fight for. I know I’m far from strong enough, but I can’t put off seeing the kids any longer, I miss them and even though I’m a useless mother, they need me.

I will miss England terribly. I’ve dearly loved my time here. Even with the crappy weather! It’s been fantastic to be amongst my friends and family and connections have become far deeper. I realise I’m very blessed and wish with all my heart I’d not taken it for granted in the past.

If I had a choice I wouldn’t leave, but I have to make good with what I have.

I’ve also found out that a psychiatrist won’t be available until mid October!! That’s a painfully long wait when I’ve been on the wrong medication for so long. I was hoping to get it sorted pretty much as I arrived as it’ll take a while for the meds to work.

So the England chapter closes. I know there’s more I should have done, more people I should have seen, but I’m just glad that I’ve had this experience.


So my dad has booked the tickets and I’m beyond excited to see my babies again. It’s been too long and much longer than I anticipated. I keep imagining their faces, their warmth, even the way they smell. I won’t be able to get enough of them.

The hurdles that I have to deal with on my return are what are keeping me awake at night. I’m so glad my parents are going to be flying with me and have booked accomodation for us. That’s a huge weight off of my mind. But I have so much to organise in the short time they’re with me, seeing my lawyer, organising my medication and worse still, organising my own accomodation in the long term. I keep having terrible anxiety attacks and I’m barely sleeping. I feel deeply suicidal because I don’t know how I’m going to be strong enough to deal with all the shit, especially how Steve will inevitably treat me. I feel so vulnerable, so alone, so afraid of my uncertain future. But having my parents by my side in the start will help immensely. My focus is on my children and their love and excitement to see me back.

I am both relieved at the booked flights and equally terrified. There is something to be said for the ignorant sanctity I have been indulging in back home. Although I’ve obviously had guilt and uncertainty, the immediate concerns could be thwarted by delay. Now everything is speeding towards me like a jump from a tall building and I know this landing is also going to hurt.

I’m scared of my unknown future. I’m not strong like I used to be. Nothing is the same. And somehow I need to conjure the strength to organise everything in the short time that I have my parents both emotionally and financially. And I worry about the toll on them. They don’t have deep pockets, they’re old and deserve their peace. Not hurtling towards a car crash situation that’s geographically the furthest point away with a large potential financial burden.

I feel like I’ve let everyone down. I’m no longer the daughter to be proud of, the mother to be proud of and the woman to be envied because I had it all. I’m broken and I have nothing. I am nothing and I’m completely without direction. 

Aside from the warmth of my children – that is all I have to cling to.


Everything is beginning to feel too much now. I’m at the mercy of my parents booking a flight, thanks to Steve reneging on sorting my flight out. And they just seem to be taking ages about it! But I don’t feel able to apply pressure because ultimately they’re the ones paying. 

Don’t get me wrong. I’m loving being in England, and I’ve gotten close to my sister again which is fantastic. My friends continue to be an amazing source of support. 

But my children need me, and I fear that the longer I’m away, the more damage Steve can do. Plus my medication needs to be reviewed desperately and I can’t get that done here – not through lack of trying.

Yesterday my Mum did an amazing ‘Xmas dinner’ and it was fantastic to have my family around and Mum’s legendary roast dinner! But as the day progressed I felt more aware of how much I miss my children and how awful the real Xmas is going to be if Steve is hell bent on keeping me from the family home. I ended up in floods of hysterical tears and spewing my guts up. Not from alcohol either! I’d just got myself into such a state and I felt so bad for Mum.

Today I’ve spent squirreled away in my bedroom. Everything just feels too much to cope with. I feel caught in this horrible limbo and there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight. I’ve got no money so I’m stuck, and unwilling to see friends because I can’t pay my way. I’m anxious about my phone bill and the storage costs that need paying. I need to get my benefits sorted in NZ but I can’t do that from here. I’ve been applying for jobs constantly but it’s hard to beat the competition when I’m still in the UK.

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. I’m lucky to have my parents looking out for me and for having a home here. But really, it’s time for me to go back and ‘face the music’ and it’s been time for a while, but alas all I can do is wait. It’s adding to this feeling of powerlessness.