The day before I fly out. It seems unreal that this time next week I’ll have been in the UK for a week. It’s a beautiful sunny, warm autumnal day here in NZ and I keep wondering if I’m doing the right thing. But the feeling of ‘starting over’ AGAIN, house hunting and moving seems impossible. So it’s not that I’m happy and settled here. I’m just enjoying being around the children. But living in this house isn’t a possibility. 

Last night was lovely. S was away, the kids tidied their rooms and we all sat and watched a couple of movies. It was really amazing and evenings like that make me wonder why the days are so painfully hard. 

There’s a long gap between my arrival to Auckland and my departing flight. Im really anxious about it. I have hardly spent much time out of bed, so being in the loud and busy airport for hours it’s really anxiety provoking. Plus I’ll be devastated from leaving my children, so lots of time for regrets to settle in.

The only aspect of the flight I’m looking forward to is that at least in the air, nothing can be done. That is, no phone calls, no depressing mail, nothing I have to face and handle like I do on a daily basis here.

S has already arranged for his Mother to come here while I’m away. I feel like he blames me for the rift between them (she never approved of me), and he’s forgotten how difficult she was. It’s like every negative thing in his life, every bad thing was because of me. He blames me for the separation, even though he told me he didn’t love me and told me repeatedly that our marriage was over. I just don’t understand him at all. But as I’ve said before, he is happy, so I guess in some way I was making him miserable. It’s just amazing how he was able to stop loving me so quickly and start resenting me so passionately.

I know I drone on about it and I shouldn’t. It’s one of the reasons, well, the main reason I need to get away. I need to clear my head of this stuff. It’s so confronting dealing with it every day. 

I don’t know how compassionate my family are going to be. Considering they think ‘mental illness’ is really something easily controlled and more a state of mind. Their response to my feeling anxious (about other stuff) already has been ‘well don’t be’ as if anxiety can be stopped. And I know they’ll struggle to understand my unwillingness to get up and function. I’ll be considered ‘lazy.’ But it’s a risk I have to take, because I’m not getting anywhere alone. And I’m hoping in amongst all the negative stuff, they’ll show some caring.

I’m looking forward to seeing my best friend. She’s heavily pregnant, so I’ll be excited to be there for her. She swore she’d never have children, so this was quite a shock! And she gets me, so at least I won’t feel totally isolated. 

I’ll just be glad to be on that departing flight so I can close my eyes and take my head off. Although I know it’ll start a fresh lot of tears.


6 thoughts on “Packing

  1. I am so happy to hear from you before you leave for the UK! I truly believe that this will be good for you. It has to because what you are in now just isn’t working. You are not leaving your kids Penny. That is not how they will see it, they will just simply see you going to see your family. Which takes courage to do something for yourself. My mother did that when we were young and I now wonder if it was because of depression which I know she was suffering from. She could first go visit when we were teenagers because of money…. she came back relieved. I wished for her sake she could have done that when we were kids. I know she needed it.

    And just the fact that you are getting away from S for a while is a big deal! We are not suppose to be around our exes this much….. it is destroying the way we view ourselves and I am totally speaking first-hand experience here. I am smack in the middle of it…. the judging eyes, the constant reminder that I have destroyed everything, the ‘how dare you do this to me’ looks throughout the day….. all of it. We both deserve better! So much better!!

    I do not deserve these looks because I did nothing wrong. You dont deserve those looks because you did nothing wrong. It really is that simple. But I know that on the days where I feel depression looming (like yesterday) I just assume that he is right. He has been deciding for 17 years over my behaviors and thoughts and to let go of that is harder than I expected.

    He has no right to look at you with disgust. You are a beautiful and stunning woman, mother, friend, daughter and human being that walks this earth. Do not let him take that from you, your self-worth. S is not in control of it, you are.

    And sure is something how you mentioned how your family will think of you as ‘lazy’ because your depression will hinder you from normal functions….. About a month ago I was in Belgium visiting my family who have zero understanding so every time they brought up my lack of doing I said quite loud “I dont need to do anything, I am on vacation”. It shut them up for a while. And even though my family can be difficult and loud, just spending time with them, the people that knew me before my marriage, has mended some cracks in my heart. I hope your family can do the same for you.

    (and I am still astonished how similar our lives seem to be…. broken marriage, living in faraway lands, disapproving looks, mind-numbing depressions, sexual abuse and families that dont get it)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You make so much sense to me! I need a friend like you HERE! Everything you’ve said to me I would have said to you, but you know living it is entirely different. Because he has been all I’ve had, I’ve got no measure, so if he sees me as this huge disappointment, this great weight/burden, then clearly I must be. I used to be able to talk to him about how I felt and he genuinely cared and tried to understand. But now when I talk, I’m basically told it’s all my fault and I get the sighs and the ‘I’m not doing this’ – which succeeds in making me feel worse. It’s like no approach I take works, no matter how carefully I tread. I don’t know why I keep feeling the need to get something from him, perhaps I need to know that he still cares or that our 13 years together wasn’t wasted. But it’s gone hasn’t it? And I need to accept to. I think my trip will be mostly grieving. I need to learn to move. It’s just a shame I’m so far from the kids to do it, but then it wouldn’t be good for them to see me really let go. I hope I do get something from this trip. I hope I do come back feeling stronger. You’re right, being around people that knew me before the marriage will be useful. I was so incredibly full of life, full of energy, positive and outgoing. Even if I can taste a hint of that, I’d be happier.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m so glad I make sense to ypu cos I sometimes wonder if I’m just rambling on without making sense 🙄. I often dont follow my own advice on these issues….. Sometimes i just allow the pain to take over. But I guess that is OK too sometimes, no? And grieving sounds just about right! Marriage can be seen as a person. … When People get married they are suppose to become one, no? So you are grieving the passing if a person….. saying goodbye to lost love is so difficult. …


  2. i know I am late and this is an old post now. You had your trip and I am so glad it went so well. Sometimes we just have to take care of ourselves, the kids will miss you but it will be good when you are well, they’ll really appreciate that then.


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