Same old

Maybe day 4 or 5, no showering, same clothes. I’ve given up on life. I’ve certainly given up on myself. No one would believe I used to get my hair done regularly, get my nails done, care about my presentation. I’ve got long dark roots, perpetually greasy, lank hair, crooked nails, and I don’t even know where my make up is. 

I look old, ragged, tired, and I’ve lost my sense of worth. I don’t care how I look and I don’t care how others see me. I have nothing and I am nothing.

S only cares about getting me to sign the house over. So his parents can hold it and then hand it back. He’s sorted for life. And I’m pretty sure he’s seeing someone, he’s on his phone all the time, sneaking out to take calls. It’s like him and I never existed. He doesn’t show any signs of compassion or even regard me as familiar. I’m just an over stayer. I never imagined how much that would hurt. I never thought he could be so cold and callous. I don’t know him at all anymore. And I guess that’s part of the reason I don’t know myself anymore. I used to be life and soul of the party, now I’m pretty much in bed all the time. Forget friends, I haven’t made an effort at all. 

I’d say I’m dead inside but I still have deep feelings of hurt and sadness. 

I don’t know if I’ll get through this. I hope every day that a truck will hit me, or I’ll have a brain aneurysm, just something that will stop this constant misery. I don’t want to hurt my children and I know they’d be devastated, so that’s why I’m not actually doing anything myself. It would be easier if it were out of my control. Every day. I hope something will happen. My funeral would be empty, it’d be process. Because I’m a nothing. A no one. I’ve not made any differences, I’ve not left any marks.

Well, maybe the plane will go down! Not that I wish death on anyone else.

I’m really anxious about my upcoming trip. I’ll miss my children so much. To be so far from them is a scary thought. There’s no ‘jumping on a flight’ in an emergency. It takes 30 odd hours of travel. I’ve never been very far from them before.

I wouldn’t be surprised if S left me there. He can do whatever he likes while I’m out of the picture. And I don’t know him anymore. It’s like he’d slay me with a sword with a smile on his face. I know he’s always thinking and planning, but in his mind, I’m the enemy. Sometimes he’s nice to me, and it’s almost scary. I wonder where the ‘metaphorical’ punch will come. I’m not sure he’s capable of being nice to me out of any sense of residual care for me, the anger, disgust, and disdain boils over too much sometimes for me to know where his true feelings lie.

Anyway, there’s no point keep going on about my sunken marriage I suppose. Perhaps this is normal, when couples separate, feelings change 180 degrees. It just becomes a game to some.

Hopefully England will give me the respite i  need. My parents aren’t particularly sympathetic people and usually blame me for my troubles, I only hope I can push that aside and just be grateful I’m out of NZ for a bit.

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15 thoughts on “Same old

  1. True character is revealed through divorce. The ups and downs are downright difficult; however it’s what you do and think during those times that changes you into something better or transforms you into something worse or it highlights what has always been. S’s treatment of you reveals his true character. You’ve been through so much and it sounds like he doesn’t have a caring bone in his body. You may feel spent right now, but you have a life ahead. Stay focused.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am in the middle of a divorce aswell….. I am now being treated as a business deal.
    May I ask when you are traveling to the UK?

    I understand, this feeling of sadness. I understand it and I know it is real. I know it is overshadowing, it is deafening, it is blinding, it is smothering, it is soul crushing….. but it is also something that passes. You have my word on that. The feelings that you have now are the illness, they are not your soul nor your spirit. This depression is NOT YOU.
    YOU are a loving mother even when you cannot see it. YOU are a beautiful writer that can express emotions on such a deep level. YOU are a beautiful and stunning woman also on the days that you dont shower. YOU are someone daughter. YOU are a person that walks this earth, and that makes you special. I know you have trouble believing all of this now, but I truly believe it. Please remember that the image and thoughts that you have of yourself now are NOT equal to the image and thoughts your children have of you.

    You need to find yourself again, in all of this mess. You were a person before your marriage. S does not define you, you define you. Do not let him crush sweety…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow! That brought me to tears, thank you Rebecca. I’m leaving next week. I swing between relief and sadness. I guess I was defined by my relationship, we’d been together for so long. And I really thought I knew him, but maybe I didn’t and all the confusion and mess hurts more. I want to turn back the clock, but then a part of me wonders if I’d willingly choose to be so blind to someone’s resentment of me. Either way I’d be crushed. I don’t feel worthy, I don’t feel beautiful (haven’t for a long time) and I just can’t imagine ever feeling like I have a life again. Are you on the way to getting your life on track? How long do these things take? It’s been a year and a half and I’m still stuck.

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      1. I’m not there yes… I decided to end the marriage 5 months ago and just like you I am living in a country which is his, not mine. So my childhood, my family and in part my identity are overseas in a faraway land….. I totally understand the feeling of utter loneliness. My plan is to move back home after this divorce is settled which I hope is after the summer. We seem to lead very similar lives, you and I… but I dont have kids. I too was married a long time…. 17 years! The regret I have is that I did not end it sooner…. I dont regret the marriage because there were good times. I felt loved so how can I regret that? Even though S seems like a stranger to you, you shouldn’t question the love you once had. Of course he once loved you Penny. If he over the years turned into an asshole (sorry) then that is his problem and his doing. The man I left 5 months ago is not the man I married. That is his responsibility, not mine. I will not own someone elses personality change, and neither should you!

        Just like you I am currently homeless. We have run a business together which has a B&B which I am currently living in…… this is not my home and this makes my mind and soul wander. I long for my family because I believe they can help me find my identity again. They did after all know me before I ever got married …. I hope your family can do the same for you.

        I have gone through devastating depressions…. I even wrote a poem about getting hit by a truck, just like you wrote above. But right at this moment there are no trucks, no wishing for death. That is why I can promise you: you can beat this.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I miss what S and I had. We did have some great times, he was my best friend. So now I feel like I’ve lost a husband and a best friend. He was always my ‘go to’ and my cheerleader. Perhaps that’s part of the problem- I took too much. I guess it’s not so much I blame myself for how he is, but rather his own disgust of me makes me feel like I’m disgusting and I feel ashamed of what I’ve become. And I’m sad he hates me so much. God I sound so pathetic! It’s all such a mess. I know I need to return to NZ because of the children and that makes me anxious because I’ll be starting over from scratch – again. How many times can a person do that?? I have so many bad memories here. I just wish I could sleep for the next six months and when I wake up, everything is sorted for me.

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      3. Do you know that he hates you or do you think that he hates you? Because there is a big difference. Maybe there is still an ounce of goodness in him but he hides it well because he knows you have to move on? Hell, he might even be thinking he is making it easier on you by being an asshole. Maybe he is also missing what you had and when he looks at you he is reminded of the past with which he too must move on from. He was a good person once….. it might still be there, just hidden. The problem we have now is that since our marriages have ended, we can no longer expect the other person to communicate their feelings to us. They are no longer obligated to do so and it hurts like hell! Especially when this person is all we have had for years.
        Don’t focus on the bad memories because you cannot change those. Try to see them as just memories, not bad nor good. Just simply life. With all the shit we have gone through in life Penny, we deserve the good. YOU deserve good! Even if S does hate you, it is not your burden to bare. It is not your fault, it does not reflect you, in fact, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with you. It doesn’t. Even if S thinks you are disgusting, that too has NOTHING to do with you. That comes from within himself. Try to look at it like this:
        The situation you are in brings on depression which generates feelings of extreme sadness and hopelessness and hate for ones self. That is the bottom line of depression, which you suffer from. S does not suffer from depression so he reflects his feelings in a different way…. He is taking the situation out on you. It is nothing personal, it is a way (albeit twisted) of handling. You could try to look at his behavior as somewhat of an illness in some ways similar to depression: both generate feelings and emotions that make no sense but one is still stuck with them.

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      4. It’s hard to be objective. But his looks of disgust are indisputable. Plus if I touch him by accident he acts like I’ve got leprosy. He shows no compassion for how I’m feeling. It’s true what you say though, it’s not his role to communicate with me anymore. And I do find that really difficult. I still want to know what he thinks and feels, and I still want him to ask me, but it’s not his role. Being around the house isn’t helping. It’s not my home and we’re co existing but it pushes a part of me into denial. Your observations are really helpful. It can be really hard in the situation to see what’s really going on

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      5. I know, right? It is so unfair. All you want is to shower, the most basics of functions, but you cant which makes you feel more disgusting which strengthens the depression and makes it even more impossible.

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  3. I go through bouts of not showering and not caring like that. It was especially horrible when I decided to get divorced. Granted, it was me that was leaving and I think that helped. I’m not sure what your situation is.

    Having your kids to keep going on for is something. Even though you’re going to be so far separated, you’ve still got something to live for. Hold on to that when you’re feeling at your lowest. It can really help.

    But all of this, that’s not you. Depression does that to people. Separation does that to people. Compound that with being separated from your kids by such a distance, that’s going to take a toll on anyone. What you’re going through isn’t something small. It’s huge, and the fact that you still function well enough to share your thoughts like this is huge. Believe it or not, that’s quite an accomplishment when you’re feeling so low. Sometimes remembering that even the little things show incredible strength can help.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you xx I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore and if I’m making ‘rational’ decisions anymore. It doesn’t feel like I’m accomplishing anything. Keeping this blog is really hard to be honest, but it’s my only outlet

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