Leaving NZ

I’ve managed to use the last of my money and scrape enough for a UK flight. One way. I’m going to miss my children desperately. They’re my only reason for living. Without them, I’m nothing. 

But I can’t carry on down this path of destruction. I have lost everything and I have nothing else. I can’t see a way out of the storm and I’m so tired. I hope that being home I can rest, I can grieve and I can find myself again. I’m failing as a mother all the time now. I can’t keep letting my kids down. One day, I want them to be proud of me. At the moment it hurts to breathe. I can’t imagine ever enjoying life again.

So I leave next week. The warewolves in NZ won’t be able to get me there, although I have plenty of demons I need to excorcise in the UK. Strangely that seems easier to comprehend right now.

I will return to my babies when the time is right. I have not given up on NZ. But right now, it’s not my home. I’m miserable and I’m not niave, that will follow me home. In fact for at least the first few weeks I know I’ll be inconsolable. But it’s a tidal wave of grief that needs to be felt and nurtured.  I don’t belong anywhere. But at least I can find solace in where I originate from.

I don’t know if it’s the right or the wrong thing. I can’t trust my judgement, I can’t handle decisions. I’m overwhelmed and over wrought. But I’m doing the only thing that makes sense. I’ve hit so many blocks, there comes a time when picking up and starting over no longer works, even for the strongest. Something needs to give. I only hope with all my heart that a few weeks away will give me some peace and the ability to find my fight again.

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6 thoughts on “Leaving NZ

  1. You are going back to the beginning. I believe that can be truly cleansing for mind, body and soul. It will take time, of course, but it is where your roots are. Where you became the essence of you, before the horror and torture of your life as it is now set in. Most of us get to experience purity and innocence as children…. maybe you can find your inner child again?
    I wish you well Penny.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I really want to give you a big hug and tell you that you are a beautiful worthwhile person and a loving caring mother. I hope you have people in the UK who can look after you as well as let you be. Much love. Ann

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  3. It sounds like you’re going through quite the challenging experience. I wish I could offer you more than the hope that things will soon be better. I know you’re distressed about leaving your babies, but sometimes that’s the best thing you can possibly do. You need to take care of yourself before anything else. I’m wishing you all the best.

    Liked by 1 person

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