Waking up

Ok, so I’m feeling the low big time again. I spent the weekend in bed, I mean, screw it. I’m  in a house I’m not welcome in, and I don’t have the inclination to ‘pretend’ that I’m ok. Although S was constantly asking if I was in a ‘mood’ – I swear that guy has had his sensitivity chip removed. Just because he’s all happy and good with life, doesn’t mean I’m heartless like that too. It is a REAL struggle for me. Both the depression and the grief.

This morning he took the kids to school, so I stayed in bed. Again, screw it. What reason do I have to get up? 

I’ve not gotten 2/3 jobs I interviewed for, no surprise. Just waiting on the third rejection. So I foresee a future on benefits. That should bother me, but I’m not really a contributing member of society and I’m not likely to be.

I see my friends have all but given up on me. I rarely get messages, I’ve not been invited out since god knows when, despite being there when friends have needed me. That’s fine, it’s not like I’m good company anyway.

Hopefully when I move into my flat I can just pale away into non existence. The kids don’t need me and S can’t stand me. So I’d rather just slink away and be left alone.

I hate my life. It’s absolutely pointless. Maybe one day I’ll be lucky enough not wake up one morning.

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2 thoughts on “Waking up

  1. I hate to see you struggle so with this depression and see your pain so real. I wish something lightened the load, but I so feel your load these days. I wish I could offer more than words to say that I understand your pain… and I’m praying for peace

    Like

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