I had an interview yesterday afternoon, the company works around mental illness so it would be something I’d be passionate about. But there were 5 candidates and frankly I just think I wasn’t experienced enough. I struggled to come up with examples of historical work place incidents again and the air got thicker and I shrank more and more. The interviewers pens scribbled less, and I knew at times I’d lost members of the panel. Again, it’s hard not to feel bad about it. I haven’t got what it takes – I can’t fake it. That’s just the truth of the matter. I am starting to feel the crushing realisation that I might never work again, and am finally making steps to apply for disability. Something I’ve avoided for so long because I didn’t want to admit my position. I’ll still send my CV out but I’m not positive at all. I’m not even sure what I want to be doing anymore.
S is making it so blatant that he doesn’t want me around. I can’t even begin to express the toxic environment at home. I feel like such an unwelcome houseguest. I’m trying my best to avoid him. I had hoped to move into a flat on the weekend so I could be out of his way but he needs me Tues-Fri next week. What’s the point in paying rent if I’m going to be here?? He hasn’t even asked, just assumed I’d be ok looking after the kids.
This morning I had to leave early for court and I was using his car, he went nuts saying it sounded really bad ‘since I’d been driving it.’ Actually I’ve told him before it sounds bad, but he told me he had it serviced (even though the check engine light is continually on). He was so shitty with me and then told me it was a mess inside. His car is usually full of litter which I tidy out because it bugs me, there’s no litter in it, so I’m not sure why he made that comment. I felt attacked and useless again. On a morning where I definitely didn’t need it. He demanded I ‘drive straight back.’
The guy hates me like an enemy. An enemy he’s being forced to endure. It’s a difficult thing for me to process. But I refuse to break down and cry.
Court was its own nightmare. People were there with really serious charges, I was told by a duty solicitor that mine was ‘minor’ I’ve still ended up with a traffic conviction and $100 fine. Lucky the fine wasn’t too much, but a conviction is surely a conviction?? Traffic or otherwise. I have no idea how this is going to impact me. I’ll need to speak to my lawyer.
Afterwards I’d hope to secure my flat, I was shown three. One with windows almost against a wall so it was pretty dark, and the others so grotty and smelly. I’m waiting until Monday to view another one that’s come up, but this one is a studio. What does it matter? Without my kids I’m only going to lie on the bed all the time any way.
At least this week is over and I’ve survived it. I’ve certainly seen more action then I have in ages, which is kind of good considering how much I slept before.