So, newsflash! I’m coping!
Yesterday I went swimming in the morning. I wasn’t really in the mood, but I put my swimmers on under my clothes and forced myself to at least float! A good way of getting clean too! It wasn’t too bad once I got in and then I got into the hot bubbly spa as a treat afterwards.
I was on edge most of the time during the day waiting for my interview. I’d had to arrange with the school to pick up the kids early. Fortunately my interview was in a room booked in a library. So I had the kids set up in the kids section, my eldest in charge and I was in a room next door. Not ideal, but I had no option. Luckily they’re well behaved and loved the books, not to mention they had their fidget spinners!
I tanked the interview. One of the women was really nice, warm, friendly. But the other seemed hard, and ruthless in her questioning. I admitted, unusually for me, that I’d struggled with depression and was only just looking at getting back into the workforce. The kinder woman, Belinda, seemed to appreciate my honesty. The colder woman, Amanda just became more ruthless, how would I cope with 8 hour days? How would I cope with autonomy? How would I cope with travel? The implication that I’d find it ‘stressful’ was really thrown at me. And I do feel that had I not have been honest about the depression, she’d have taken my professional experience as my proof of my ability to cope under stress. She also had that uncanny ability to fake smile, and respond to my questions as though I’d asked something pretty obvious.
I’m not upset or angry or disappointed.
What I deciphered from this early on was that this job wasn’t for me. The job spec differed, and the cases are too similar to what I’ve worked with before which I’d like a change from. I’m also not personally affected by Amanda’s questioning, she’s not someone I could work for and that’s all that matters.
I was relieved when it was over to see my children, happily reading quietly in the corner. Unfortunately it was rush hour traffic heading home and they were pretty tired, but it felt good to be out, to be doing something different.
This morning I could feel the familiar oppression pushing me back to bed, but I forced myself up and got the kids organised to drop off. I kept putting off getting ready for my interview but I was determined to go. So unbelievably despite my brain screaming at me to just cancel, I showered, dresses smartly and borrowed my eldest’s make up. Mine is in my car.
Parking in the city was stressful and finding the building turned into a long walk in uncomfortable shoes. I felt like an alien amongst the city workers. Like they were looking at me, judging me, recognising me as a fake. My brain was in shock, walking IN THE CITY, like a NORMAL person! For the briefest of moments I felt hopeful.
The interview was intense. But unlike being gone at like a bull dog (interestingly this role is far more superior to the other role but the women were so much more down to earth), the questions were very professional experience related. Great, except I haven’t worked for bloody ages and my brain doesn’t even remember what I was doing 2 days ago. I feel like I mumbled a bit, I felt lacking in areas and I’m not confident about this one. But that’s ok, it’s good experience and maybe I’m not ready for such an intense role yet. The fact that I showed up counts for so much more.
Unbelievably I heard from another recruitment agent about a job and an interview tomorrow. This one is within the mental health sector but I feel I’ll be on safer ground. This job is more in line with what I’d like to be doing. It’s after school but fortunately S is back so he’s looking after the kids.
This week is full on and I’m amazed that I’m still going. I’m still really anxious about Friday’s court appearance, so I can’t really switch off until Friday afternoon. As it is, this weekend we’re renting a truck and emptying the cottage ourselves which won’t be easy. There’s still no tenant to take over the lease. I’m sure the landlord is putting people off with his eccentric ways. So actually ending the lease without a new tenant could prove tricky. I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.
In the meantime, I have 2 more very important days to survive.