I haven’t been able to get out of bed the last couple of days. At least today I showered. I’m just so fed up and miserable with life, it’s not worth getting up for.
S has gone, coincidentally had to leave for work early Sunday afternoon so it’s just me and the kids until weds/thurs. frankly I’m not sure how I’ll cope, but I’ll have to. I didn’t realise S was going for so long. Maybe he told me and it didn’t register, maybe he didn’t- but it’d be my fault anyway.
I had asked him to drive me over the hill to the cottage to pick some clothes up. I guess I wasn’t clear enough, so that didn’t happen. My driving confidence has been shot to pieces now. But I don’t have a choice, I need to pack some more clothes, especially smart clothes for my interview and court. God I’ll be glad when next week is over for a myriad of different reasons.
I hate to drone on, but I feel ever so lonely. I wish I could see into the future, but it feels like it will be the same plodding along, trying to make it through.
I’d like to know when I stop hurting. When it doesn’t hurt to breathe. When I can have moments of beauty and brilliance and the beasts are destroyed. When does life progress to new and exciting chapters. When I’m indifferent to all that I’ve lost and appreciate all that I have. When getting up isn’t a monumental feat and sleep is a routine – not a longed for escape.
Will life ever be anything more for me?